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Quick, wake up your little brother, because I’ve got the most awkward DVD cover to show him! No, your one good eye is not deceiving you, that is, in fact, Penélope Cruz and Friendo Bardem dry humping like 9th graders on the above cover to 1994′s Jámon, Jámon. Cruz is only about 20-years-old in this movie and somebody better cock punch me quickly, because every time I look at her The Penguin’s Earth Angel starts playing out of my penis. The cover even proudly boasts that this is the “Film Where Women Eat Men & Men Eat Ham”, which I have no idea what that means, but I’ll bet dollars-to-donuts in Spanish it sounds sultry as sh*t.

Jose Luis is an executive at his parents underwear factory where his girlfriend Sylvia works on the shop floor. When Sylvia falls pregnant, Jose Luis promises her that he will marry her, most likely against the wishes of his parents. Jose Luis’ mother is determined to break her son’s engagement to a girl from a lower-class family, and hires Raul, a potential underwear model and would-be bullfighter to seduce Sylvia. [IMDB]

Hmmm, reminds me of the time my mother didn’t want me to marry that Mormon girl. I kept insisting that the Church would keep me out of trouble, but noooooo she had to still go ahead and hire that hooker from the docks to take me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

So sit back, undo those acid washed jeans and prepare for the sizzling passion that is Spanish cinema…

Key moments for consideration:

  • 0:01 – Penélope Cruz has already missed two menstrual cycles.
  • 0:21 – Dude proposes with a can lid and tells Penélope she’ll never have to work at Denny’s again.
  • 0:45 – A cute pug dog agrees that someone’s mother is a whore.
  • 1:16 – Javier Bardem tries to roofie Penélope with his own beer.
  • 1:40 – Some dude is in love with Penélope, but can’t figure out how to get through her front door.
  • 1:46 – A can of anal beads spills across the dining room table.
  • 1:58 – Same dude is now fighting Bardem and they’re both using giant slabs of MEAT like swords!
  • 2:32 – Javier Bardem performs a meat fatality.
  • 2:45 – I change my boxers for the third time today.

Trailer:

-Chodin