The Tribeca Film Festival and American Express recently sponsored a “My Movie Pitch” competition asking aspiring filmmakers to film their one-minute movie pitch, the winner gets his or her idea financed. More importantly, Asylum recently went digging for some of the worst of the contest entries, and they. Are. Godd*mn. Amazing. Above, you can watch the pitch for “Gesundheit.”
“First think: what’s the one thing that everyone has done in their life? And that’s atchoo, sneeze. In this movie, that’ll get you killed. Um… I mean, it’s crazy… It’s gonna take place around March, April, so it’s gonna be, like, allergy season… people are gonna start sneezin and dropping. Like flies. …It’s like a complete disaster movie, but this time… it’s kinda biological.”
“GESUNDHEIT: This time… it’s kinda biological.” Speedbag my tits, that is a fantastic tagline. That tagline is so good it could raise Don LaFontaine from the dead. Meet me after the jump for more.
I’m pretty sure this guy just adapted his idea for website where you rate contractors into a movie pitch, but if he acts the whole thing out with cats, I’m into it.
Ten bucks says this guy is a FilmDrunk commenter.
[Asylum has a couple more good ones, plus a "Vote for the Worst" contest]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/01/thumbup-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/frotcast-126-joe-sinclito-movie-pitches-lax-bros-skyfall-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/03/Weinstein-Tie-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/03/Selleck-waterfall-present-150x150.jpg)
Pamela Lawrence is about to sue a shitload more people.
I don’t know about killing people, but sneezing was definitely a hazard to Vince’s underwear’s health yesterday.
Gesundheit indeed.
That Gesundheit pitch sounds exactly like a movie idea I had one time. I was called “Test Fart”. I thought of it while I was on an airplane sitting next to this really old guy.
Whatev hater! Gesundheit sounds alot like The Happening and that fuzzy turd got made into a feature film. You just lack vision, dude.
J, I know we were talking about two totally different things but I’m still gonna apologize for getting my Reeboks on your Ding Dong.
“Dor sho gha!” A morbidly obese Iowa man is driving to work and gets cut off in traffic by a trashy Juggalo in a rusty Geo Metro with those hatchetman stickers all over it. The morbidly obese man snaps, rams the dinky car off the road, goes to strangle the clown driver to death, only to discover there are TEN MORE JUGGALOS inside.
The day is won when the morbidly obese man defeats them with cutting insults that employ proper grammar and pristine sentence structure.
My pitch is called “First Pitch” and it’s about Obama growing up to be a slow-pitch softball superstar.
I don’t remember my first pitch, but the first time I had to catch, ugh, different story.
My Hilary Clinton biopic was going to be called ‘First Bitch’.
Fuck yes;
[poorlydressed.com]
Hey, it’s just as movie related as many of Vinky’s posts.
Eibz is gonna be so pissed that you posted a video of her.
Jirish,
More like first stitch, amiright? (to reclose your rectum)
My Movey Itch was about that time I had scabbies.
The Mighty Feklahr doesn’t understand why the sneeze takes 24 hours to kill you? Wouldn’t sneezing, abruptly dying, and falling over upon small children seated on the bus make a much better movie?
That was no movie pitch, the colored fella’ just described the end of the world. Go on, run wild like children.
I’m sitting on an embankment on a highway going through rural Georgia…
And there was a dead wild cat and a bottle of beer that had been, that had never been opened.
And I drank the beer.
These pitches are what constitutes the average American’s idea of good original film ideas. That, my friends, is why we are getting The Smurfs.
Fek,
I think it’s supposed to happen right away but it ends up taking 24 hrs because it’s based on B.P.T.
Yea I’m not sure what the doctor meant but he recommended making friends with more Chinese men. I promptly explained to him that it was not the preferred nomenclature.
Goddammit, Crappy, that was my exact first thought as well. That brother might as well have painted a red dot on his forehead and called it The Peppering.
If you were to ask my wife, who has had two kids, she’d tell you that sneezing and dying is preferable to sneezing and pissing your pants.
I’d like to create a spinoff to this ‘Gesundheit’ pitch in which a bunch of criminals are robbing the Pope and each one has their allergies triggered in different ways, causing them to be sneezed, blessed by the Pope, and die. Once in the afterlife, they all star in a fish-out-of-water comedy about just how miserable God can make Heaven for you.
“be sneezed”?
Yeah, I don’t know what the fuck that means either.
Even worse, that’s still not the dumbest part of that entire pitch.
My movie pitch would be me pitching a morning wood tent in my bed then hitting it with a pillow and screaming about keeping my vampire abstinence intact.
The guy in the second video said he was going to hire people from around the house. I think he misspoke, because I missed the next half of the video wondering if he meant their kids, or if he just has a bunch of hobos living in his house.
I came back around when I thought he said “He asks them to rape the contractors they use”….
Unfortunately, that also is not what he meant.
It would be such a better contest if everyone turned in porn movie ideas so they would have to finance one of them. Damn you aspiring people with dreams.
Try as I might I can’t think of a pitch for a porno movie that hasn’t been done.
And sadly I was 45% of the way through a script for a Reno 911 porn parody when that other news broke.
fuck