Oh, Brett Ratner. Attached to so many projects, yet so few that actually go anywhere. Before we get into today’s news, let’s give the Rat Man a visit from the Ghost of Variety Articles Past, shall we?
- Ratner to exec produce an “edgy Snow White.”
- Ratner to direct a segment in a sketch movie in which Hugh Jackman will play a guy with balls on his chin.
- The Rat Man to produce a reboot of House Party.
- Attached to direct what was once a “black Ocean’s 11” but now has Noah Baumbach writing a script for Ben Stiller.
- Producer for a live-action Hong Kong Phooey.
- Was once attached to direct Conan the Barbarian remake.
- Producing one of two competing John Delorean biopic projects
- Negotiating to direct a Milli Vanilli biopic
- Attached to direct Youngblood, based on the comic book
- Talking about directing a remake of Beverly Hills Cop
- Attached to direct Gods of War
And that’s barely going back two years. But that’s not today’s story. Tell us, Variety, where did Brett Ratner’s wheel of dead-end turds land today?
Ratner’s producing “The Unknowns,” based on the comic created by Mark A. Altman (“DOA: Dead Or Alive”), Steve Kriozere (“NCIS”) and model/actress Monica Olsen.
Story centers around Alexis Davenport, who while living a seemingly ordinary life discovers she was actually once the highly skilled and deadly leader of a mysterious team called The Unknowns and must learn the secret of why her memories were erased and by who.
“We think ‘The Unknowns’ will be a great new comic book/action franchise,” said Ratner, who’s in preproduction as a producer on New Line’s “Horrible Bosses.”
An ordinary person who finds out she used to be a spy? You’re right, Brett Ratner, that is new. But are you sure the world is ready for an original story such as this? Maybe she could also be a tough kid from the inner city who succeeds against all odds.
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That Hugh Jackman one is actually a documentary.
Only a matter of time before TMZ gets a hold of Ratner’s sex tape with a bowl of nacho cheese dip
This film is referred to around the
Taco Bell drive-throughRatner office as Unwanted .Ohh ohh! I want to be attached to Conan the Barbarian too!! But only if he can best me in swordplay. I’m not easy!*
*yuh huh.
The Ratner Colostomy
“Looking around this diner I know that the trucker over there is the one most likely to have a dildo in his glove compartment, I know that that girl over there is only 12 but people will believe I thought she was 18 and didn’t know she had a penis, I know that the pies today will be lemon meringue and blueberry, I know that I can fondle myself for 20 minutes at this altitude before my hands start to shake. Who the hell am I?”
The only time Ratner is attached to an actual script is when it sticks to his fingers after he’s been eating donuts.
weird. just sent you a tip on ‘horrible bosses.’ i didn’t see ratner on the list, but it supports my theories.
Who has a safety deposit box full of donuts and six passports and a taco truck? Who has a secret line of credit at Wendy’s? I come in here, and the first thing I’m doing is I’m catching the sightlines and looking for some cheese fries!
Has anybody actually ever seen Brett Ratner in real life? I’m beginning to suspect that “Brett Ratner” is the pre-production equivalent of Alan Smithee.
Was her name Charlie Baltimore ?
It’s not his fault that the craft service budget for all of these projects became economically unfeasible even with Hollywood Accounting. Oh wait, yea it is.
Even if he sniffs his fingers after he scratches, it still smells like Cheetos.
I’m pretty sure Brett Ratner just does a lot of coke at parties. “Oh, yeah, I’m producing this spy thing, too, right after we finish the live-action California Raisins movie. Then I think we’re doing the Ernest reboot. Remember Ernest? That shit was funny right? Only this is going to be like a black Ernest. Not your grandfather’s Ernest, know what I mean? Edgy. Chris Tucker’s attached. Me and Chris, we’re gonna do a remake of that Eddie Murphy movie where he was a vampire, too. Shit, what was that movie called? Is it hot in here? Damn, I’m sweaty. So what was I saying? Oh, yeah, the Urkel movie. It’s happening.”
What does it say about Ratner that he regularly mentions himself in the company of Michael Jackson and Roman Polanski, and, given the choice, I’d prefer that my children spend a week in the company of either of those other two and not Ranter? (And you can take your pick on zombie Jackson or his now rotten corpse.)
Ratner was only interested in Hong Kong Phooey because he thought it was a new chain of chinese food joints.
Same with the Milli Vanilli idea . . . thought it was a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor.
Brett Ratner excuses his behavior by explaining that he suffers from Cheeseburger’s Syndrome.
teeny, when i first read this article i thought the same thing. he’s taking a page outta the tarantino coke-buzz campaign handbook.
Brett Ratner’s ringtone is a recording of his mom saying “My Brett is a good boy. And so handsome. Did you know Steven Spielberg loves my Brett? My Brett is a good boy…….”
[Pickup speed by, a man yells, "Hey Malkovich, think fast!" and throws Crappy at John, who is standing at the side of the road]
Is Ratner a Kardashian? Because he only seems to get attention by attatching himself to things/people but not really doing anything.
Oh, sure, give Ratner another comic book franchise. That’ll end well.
*remembers X-3, bawls*
The fuck happened to Nominus anyways?
Let me guess, Ratner’s “edgy Snow White”, was going to be titled “Snow Black” and was going to star Chris Tucker?
I did hear he tried to cast the Roloff family to play the 7 Dwarfs, but they turned him down because he was too creepy… and D-list.
x-3 was like a lifetime movie with a bigger budget, minus the funny rape scenes.
The Unknowns?
Just go watch The Long Kiss Goodnight.
“Crotch Fondlebomb” sounds like it would be a good gay porn stage name. Not that I’ve ever thought about doing gay porn. Stop looking at me like that. It’s not weird to think about things like that once in a while. It’s completely normal. LOOK, BRETT RATNER IS BREAKING INTO A DUNKIN’ DONUTS!
*runs and hides in closet, ignores irony*