I know people will say I shouldn’t give Armond White, the troll king of film critics, more of the negative attention he so desperately craves, but I can’t help it. The guy amuses me to no end. Armond recently saw Inception, and as always, he goes against the prevailing consensus. That’s right, he’s putting the whole SYSTEM on trial.
“like Grand Theft Auto’s quasi-cinematic extension of noir and action-flick plots, Inception manipulates the digital audience’s delectation for relentless subterfuge.”
That was actually one complete sentence, by the way. I left it precisely as originally written, because as me and Armond know, capitalization is for conformists. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! ONLY YOUR THESAURUS CAN SAVE YOU FROM BEING CRUSHED IN THE MACHINATIONS OF THE SOVEREIGN PARADIGM!
Nolanoids have been faithfully awaiting a vision, and in these crystal-clear (fake) annihilation scenes,[as opposed to the real annihilation scenes Roland Emmerich shoots documentary-style, I guess...] Nolan out-Finchers Fincher and seeks Kubrickian misanthropy—but there’s a simple-minded sappiness at the heart of this cynical vision.
Cobb’s dream obsession suggests pop-culture addiction, mirroring how consumers habitually escape reality with video games and movies. But Nolan never critiques this as Neveldine/taylor did in Gamer.
It’s not a sharp a critique as Gamer! Ahahahaha, I love this guy! He may be an epic troll, but at least he’s consistent. He can’t stop talking about Neveldine and Taylor (the Crank guys). Remember what he wrote about them in his Jonah Hex review?
I previously remarked how “Neveldine-Taylor stand so lonely on the culture’s edge that their au courant ingenuity seems absolutely avant-garde when compared to standard box-office formula.” Greed is a cultural hex.
Oh God, I love that he loved that preposterously masturbatory sentence so much that he quoted himself in a review! I love this guy! I’ve heard Armond White shouts “Neveldine and Taylor!” at the point of orgasm! Which he of course calls “writhing in the throws [sic] of neveldonian orgasmatrage.”
Finally, here’s a handy chart of Armond’s likes and dislikes.
[chart by Wes Lawson, via Ebert -Thanks to Jeff for the tip]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Armond-Chronicle-car-crush-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Chronicle-Superhero-Movie-150x150.jpg)
This guy is either a big fan of or the basis for Oswald Bates from In Living Color.
Not quite as complicated a person as Armond White, I simply yell “Norbit!” at that most special of times. Fortunately, he gave that one a good review.
Seems like the sort of man who collects fat suits and farts at the table.
Your mom gave me a case of Kubrickian misanthropy so I stabbed her in the twat.
Again.
He’s probably Team Edward.
Still raises Bill Hicks’ age old question, “What do atheists cry out when they climax? Ugghhhh, chemical jets!“
A.O. Scott wants his delectation for relentless subterfuge back. Maybe.
Erswi, as an atheist, I can confirm that I still shout, “OH MY GOD” because I like to fuck Catholic school girls and that seems to help the mood.
He liked a Tyler Perry movie and cums whenever he hears/says Neveldine and/or Gamer. This man has officially passed both Ryan Seacrest and Charlie Sheen in my “Guys Whose Throats I’d Like to Step On” list.
I yell, “Your death is nigh!!” at orgasm. Really sets the post coital mood.
All Armond White is saying about consumerism and Chris Nolan’s treatment of it is “isn’t the stuff in question a little too important to say “well, YOU decide whether this is true or not..”? I feel like people from certain parts of the political spectrum are already going to be looking for any little reason to completely write this guy off — why make it so easy?”
Or, something like that.
Line up, ladies! There’s plenty of quasi-cinematic extension to go around!
I bet his favorite actress is Katherine Heigl.
How did he like Transformers 2 but not Transformers?
They’re the same fucking movie!
*Armond White puts on lip stick, tucks dick back, dances in the mirror to Benny Mardones’ “Into The Night”*
Would you quote me? I’d quote me. I’d quote me hard!
From now on, when I reach climax…I will just shout “BRAHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM”.
Because it’ll echo in the shower.
Orgasmatrage is actually a complex system of taking advantage of a price difference in…. I SAID KEEP THE SHOES ON WHORE! NO, THE PINK ONES! Did you know you can rent Armond White?
Donk, I take solace in the fact that at most, three people in the world knew what you were talking about there.
*reads list of movie likes/dislikes*
How did he not like Mac and Me?
Armond White is on Mel Gibson’s dislike list.
Hehe, couldnt’ help it. On the bright side, there’s no uppity thesaurus use or stupid foreign-word phrases peppered in there.
Well, that and the topics are completely different, there are no tentative links to bullshit ideas from crappy movies, and Armond White sucks.
He continues to state his contrarian positions to aggravate the collective mindset of Hollywood’s style mindset, thereby… fuck it, he’s a bag of ass douche waste.
In Mr. White’s defense, “Button” did suck.
Mel Gibson wants Armond White to go rape himself.
Paranoid Park is a bad movie, which means it must be a good movie, which means I should think, but then again I
*haed esplodes*
@Pauly
That’s only fair because Armond probably hates blow jobs.
1. Do they screen the films for him with a tiny pico projector in his ass so he can stay put?
2. Isn’t it legal to destroy him as he disliked a Pixar film? (How can you NOT like Wall-E? It’s like saying “eh, this breathing thing’s ok, I guess”)
Armond doesn’t think that there is a transitive statement to be made in regards to the dire state of America’s dietary health vis a vis the KFC Double Down.
The veneral fudruckery dispersed by this chap’s toothed-cockholderus is stupendous!
I’d like to see Armond White and Diablo Cody get in a fight. The winner would be whatever killed them both.
When I cum on women and they go to wipe it off, I like to quote “American Gangster”….
“Don’t rub that, you blot that! You understand? That’s Alpaca! That’s $25000 Alpaca! You blot that shit!”
The fake Armond White account on Twitter is good stuff
@ArmondWhite
I shit you not, this is Armond White’s top ten all time list:
1. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (Spielberg)
2. L’avventura (Antonioni)
3. Intolerance (Griffith)
4. Jules et Jim (Truffaut)
5. Lawrence of Arabia (Lean)
6. Lola (Demy)
7. The Magnificent Ambersons (Welles)
8. Masculin féminin (Godard)
9. Nashville (Altman)
10. The Passion of Joan of Arc (Dreyer)
A.I.? Really. Really? A.I.? We’re talking about A.I., right? Really? A.I.? The rest of the list is just cribbed from the syllabus for a freshman level CUNY film studies course, I get that. That’s acceptable. But, wow. A.I. Huh. Really? A.I. With the Sixth Sense kid? Am I confusing this with I, Robot? No? Really? A.I. Huh.
Diablo Cody was my nickname in High School. Wait.. forget it.
@ Crapbasket: Wait, what’s the transvestite statement vis a vis the KFC Double Down?
Armond White thinks Norbit is this generation’s answer to Roots.
White’s secret gay threeway fantasy is with Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.
According to Wikipedia, “His family was the first African-American family to move to a primarily Jewish neighborhood” …ever!