Last night was the grand opening of Comic Con in San Diego, “Preview Night”, the first night, when everyone has their display booths up, and tickets are supposedly limited. So as crowded as it was, it will be presumably be even sweatier and more nerd packed tomorrow (that’s today, your time). They were showing previews for upcoming WB shows in the theater, but I voted that a hearty (*fart noise*) and spent my time on the exhibition floor.
How to describe preview night… well, imagine a giant theater lobby where there’s no movie to see, or an amusement park with no rides. There’s just lots of sh*t everywhere and people trying to hand you sh*t and huge lines for sh*t that the people in line don’t even know what’s at the end of. Am I in a line right now? Is this a dream? I don’t know. Ooh, a Hard Rock Cafe with no sh*tty onion rings. Another valid analogy. Wait no, false alarm, they do have sh*tty onion rings here.
See that “Warner Bros” strap on my shoulder up there? That’s for the giant Warner Bros bag they hand you on the way in. They give you a really big bag in order to hold smaller bags of useless sh*t that you will be handed. Here are some other folks sporting stylish bags:
Sorry, homes, I know a back pack when I see it.
Extrey, extrey, we got shiny bags of stuff here!
Besides collecting bags o’ crap, you can also pose for awesome pictures like this:
Who knew the dude from Mythbusters was so into Star Wars? Great pic, though. I might ask his mom there for a copy. Sweet lady.
"Quick, son, go get a picture with that slut."
That’s the other thing I was hoping to see lots of here, bored sluts handing out flyers and manning asinine promo booths. There weren’t as many as I’d hoped, but I did catch this pack of triple Leias walking by:
Triple Leia, whoaa, what does it mean??
Hey, no one has mobbed them yet and tried to get nip slip pics on their iPhone. TO THE PERVMOBILE!
"Tee hee, hi, you guys. We're super happy to be here."
Fast-forward 27 seconds…
"This was a mistake."
But excuse my negativity. I don’t mean to sound cynical. There are many sights and sounds that make it all worthwhile. These guys, for instance:
C-Tates wept. Honestly though, I love the sh*t out of that video. Was that the Macarena?! I could’ve filmed that booth all night. But speaking of videos leaking sh*t from me loving them too hard…
Let’s see… flamboyant lead singer, super nerdy drummer, shy obese goth chick bassist… This is like “high school rock band” as conceived by central casting. These guys are awesome. Eat your heart out, Cheap Trick.
Comic Con: It will COMB YOU OVER!
This guy rules.
We musn't touches the preciousss
Okay, okay, time to stop being a prick and join in on the fun. Hey, I think I see an Adult Swim exhibit over there. I love Adult Swim. It’s right up my age/gender/socioeconomic demographic alley. Is that the line?
I used to love Rascal scooter humor, but I think my sensors have been burned out permanently.
Haha, that’s not the line, silly. It’s over there, against the wall, behind those 50 other people.
Whoa, someone here likes Adult Swim WAAAAY more than I do. (When Family Guy used to be on Adult Swim)
So what’s at the end of this line, anyway?
Inside those holes were tiny exhibits, like a stuffed squirrel stripper, and a jackalope and a bunny making love. It was actually pretty funny. Maybe not 15-minutes-in-line funny, but cute. However, I don’t think they were sanitizing those peep holes. I may have contracted Nerd Flu. After that 20 seconds worth of fun, they herded us to a window where you could buy Adult Swim T-Shirts, to commemorate the experience, like Splash Mountain. I actually kind of wanted a Metalocalypse shirt, but I refused to feel like such an easy lay.
You want pervy anime memorabilia? Yeah, we got that.
Hmm, this isn’t “interactive” enough. What else you got?
Better, closer, warmer...
Hey, what are those red and white canisters?
F*CK YEAH, ANIME FLESHLIGHTS!
That one said “Deep Throat,” but they had something for everyone, including those of us who prefer our whack-off tools in “vagina.”
I think I love you, Soft Tube Cup.
The best was the guys at the booth trying to explain what these were to the teenage girls who were walking through. “You see, it’s a fake vagina that you put over your d*ck when you pretend to f*ck cartoons.”
You got any chocolate-covered pretzels in that utility belt? That would be righteous.
"Knits to keep you busy from Twilight till Dawn."
That’s right, it’s a book about Twilight-themed knitting. This is way more cruel than anything I’ve ever said about Stephenie Meyer or Twilight fans.
"I made this picture of Edward with sparkling abs in Photoshop. It watches me while I sleep."
Is it anatomically correct? Yes, but Edward Cullen is smooth like a Ken doll down there.
I think I found The Mighty Feklahr's birthday present.
G4, getting to the heart of the matter. But I think you spelled "pandering" wrong.
Okay, that's kind of cool. Check it out, it's almost like seeing it in a movie!
Sulu Cologne. Oh my, indeed.
This is the line for the Tron Legacy panel. Yes, it started the night before.
TRANSMISSION FROM THE FUTURE: I stood in this line for two and a half hours this morning. It cut off when I was about ten people from the front and I didn’t get in. Minutes later, I found out the moderator was Patton Oswalt. I’m sorry for angering you, Comic Con gods. Truce?
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I’ve nothing to say here, just really happy to have made it to the end of the page.
Psssh, if you really want to impress Him, Lince, find Him an autographed Chief O’Brien glossy.
BTK, killer Northstar outfit, Mancini. No, that deriding comment has nothing to do with His seething hatred and jealousy of you being able to go to Comic Con while He is stuck in fucking Iowa with Marlene, His mom’s broken car, and a landlord that won’t pay to fix His air conditioner!!!
if they have any fleshlight vuvuzelas I’ll take four
Why was Luke Walton there?
If He gets His list of GI Joe back issues he needs, can you look for them? Oh, and what is the going prices for “Tan Vest Luke”? (Ask if they will trade for a “long-saber” Darth Vader!)
Say hi to the Star Wars guy, Vince.
Vince high res photos of 3 leias plox!
This reminds me of a couple of summers ago when I went to bed early, slept late and still went to see The Dark Knight without having to suffer through a midnight screening. What’s so urgent, you awful nerds? You want to be first to see/hear/read whatever is this year’s thing? Fine, be first, but when it is all over with we’ll both have seen the new teaser trailer for Joss Whedon’s latest too-soon-to-find-an-audience cancellation (Summer Glau looks like E.T’s aborted fetus. Accept it.) but I will additionally have had sex. Multiple times. With women. Human women. Who look feminine. All while you stood in line debating which expansion pack more accurately achieves Klaus Tueber’s vision for The Settlers of Catan.
Mince, is that you?
Sulu cologne is perfect for the man who wants to smell like an old Gaysian.
‘Warner Bros strap on’?!
WTF!?
I’m pretty sure Family Guy is still on Adult Swim. It seems like whenever I turn on Cartoon Network after 11PM, I hear the Four Seth McFarlane Voices of The Apocalypse until I switch to TBS and watch some Lopez Tonight (you know, to ease myself down the torture scale).
Adult Swim probably sent the remaindered Frisky Dingo T’s that I desire to the homeless in Sierra Leone.
It’s a more expensive flight but the people are probably cleaner and better mannered than those at your event.
dale a tu cuerpo alegria macarena, tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria y cosa buena, eeeeeh macarena, uhu.
Is Lince’s reflection checkin’ out RPattz in that photo? (Take a look!)
Also, beware of those egg-shaped items next to the anime fleshlights! Your leg will thank Him.
dale a tu cuerpo alegria macarena, tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria y cosa buena, eeeeeh macarena, uhu
Quick talkin’ gibberish, you forshak-hut dwelling yIntagh!
The Mighty Feklahr is certain Lince is there to take one for the team and become a True American Hero when Westboro Baptist Church shows up to picket Comic Con.
Just remember, Lince…WWKD? What Would Kahless Do? (Hint: violence/bloodshed)
Vince, here’s what you do: Run up to the slave Leias screaming like a banshee, motor boat the shit out of the super pale one, and then hold up a sign that says “Out Of Line”, and make that same face.
Red on the head, fire in the hole, Bubb.
I’m so ashamed to say I would have bought Sulu cologne.
And they could sell “Smellin-of-nine” for the girlfriend.
Well, the fantasy girlfriend.
Okay, for my cat.
Alright already, the fantasy cat.
I’m so lonely.
That fleshlight would fit perfectly over my bowling-pin shaped penis.
I wasn’t being disparaging, Fek. I think the pale slave Leia ginger is hot as shit. She’s my ideal woman, actually. Mainly ‘cuz I could project episodes of Perfect Strangers on her back with my LG eXpo while I’m doing her from behind.
Cut to the fucking chase: how was the fleshlight?
Also, I assume the anime fleshlights pixelate when you penetrate them.
Thanks, Argentino, for that blast of Europop past. I can only hope we never hear it’s like again. *Saunters into stereotypically Mediterranean resort bar; then the next; then the next; for some reason has the line “Pa pa l’Americano” stuck in his head for the rest of his life*
When was David Brent a Star Trek Captain? Did he die or was he made redundant?
*Looks up and takes off headphones*
What the hell song are you guys talking about?
*Puts headphones back on*
Tu pum pum mami mami no me…..va a mata tu pum pum……..
Holy shit, does Luke have a fauxhawk?
TRON is such a fucking terrible movie, why to nerds love it so?
I think the pale ginger Slave Leia was there expressly to make all the geeks feel less self-conscious about never going outside in the sunlight.
Hey, Teenage Mutant Michael Cera, don’t be afraid to get a little handsy with the aspiring actresses working the booth. I hear they love it when you ask them about the characters they’re supposed to portray.
Yes! Yes! Oh let me taste your tears, Mighty Fek! Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mmm-yummy! They’re so salty!
Are we sure that the Rock Band quartet wasn’t Smashing Pumpkins (3.0, 4.0?)
The “Comic Con: It will COMB YOU OVER!” guy has got to be the head scientist from Independence Day.
or Oscar Bluth.
You touched that thing? WITH YOUR HAND?!?!?
No it was Dave “Gruber” Allen.
No it wasn’t.