After a disastrous, eventually canceled production in 1999 (chronicled in the documentary Lost in La Mancha), Terry Gilliam was finally getting The Man Who Killed Don Quixote back on track this year, reportedly picking up Ewan MacGregor and Robert Duvall to star. Well tough sh*t for him, because now WB is making a Don Quixote movie of their own, probably with Channing Tatum doing parkour tricks off a windmill. (*sad vuvuzela*)
Finish my math homework, Pajiba:
Warner Brothers and producer Joel Silver (Sherlock Holmes, every blockbuster action pic in the 1980s) are fast-tracking a Don Quixote film as an eventual tentpole picture.
And yes: Their intention is clear. They’re going to muck up the original story completely. It’s being described as a Pirates of Caribbean-style swashbuckling version of a story in which we discover that Don Quixote isn’t crazy and that there is, in fact, a fantasy world. [...] This will be to Cervantes what Robert Downey’s Sherlock Holmes was to Arthur Conan Doyle. Big, brash, and kind of dumb. The pitch is out to writers now.
“Look, everyone knows Don Quixote charged a giant that turned out to be a windmill. What our movie presupposes is… maybe it didn’t?”
…And Nic Cage is there! He finds out he belongs to an ancient clan of knighted assassins! And follows an ancient treasure map that leads him to another dimension, where lives an evil queen that must be defeated! The world depends on it, but they all think he’s crazy! And he takes along his only friends, Sancho Panza, aka Michelle Rodriguez, an explosives expert, and Dulcinea Del Toboso, a hot chick with huge jugs and swords! CURVE THE LANCE! BODIES HIT FLOOR! ROCINANTE IS A CHEETAH! TICK TICK TICK… SLUTS! (fin).
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The last time WB tried to do me this fast, we ended up with a Police Academy movie in Russia.
*Nic Cage cuddles C-Tate*
“I wish I knew how to Quixote you…”
Man, this movie is going to wreck the fuck out of some high school kids’ English grades.
On a related note: no, it’s not fucking ironic that “wreck the fuck out of” is not a grammaticaly correct phrase.
Warner Brothers should release their film the week after Gilliam’s and call it The Man Who Raped Don Quixote’s Corpse.
This will be to Cervantes what Robert Downey’s Sherlock Holmes was to Arthur Conan Doyle. Big, brash, and kind of dumb. The pitch is out to writers now.
DANCE PUPPETS, DANCE!!!
So we’ve got a bizarro Terry Gilliam version versus an explosion- and boobs-filled blockbuster version. I think we all know who’s gonna’ win this box office battle.
Poor Terry Gilliam. You truly are cursed.
Don Quixote? Why is that so familiar?
It’s almost feels like I see that name everyday, but not quite.
Donk, between this and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I think Hollywood collectively hated high school English classes.
Get moving on this, WB; it takes at least a month to completely thaw out Orlando Bloom
Oh, but, true story! When I was in high school, one of my classmates watched the 90s version of Dracula instead of reading the novel. Guess who failed that exam?
“Yo, girl, I got a windmill you can tilt at.”
*helicopters dick*
Also, “sad vuvuzela” made me laugh out loud.
Papas Rellenas?
Patty-way to age yourself there, yIntagh!
*hides a few more Werther’s Originals in His Depends*
Well, Patty, at least Hollywood and I have something in common, even if it is just a shared hatred of high school English classes. Of course, I also see that Hollywood isn’t as dedicated to eradicating the problem as I am.
Speaking of which, did I ever tell you about the time I ran a school bus off the road?
Contrary to popular belief, Fek, I’m 26, not 16.
*tapes Ryan Reynolds pictures to walls, calls BFF to gossip about boys*
And Donk, you should be fighting the real enemy: high school math classes.
The WB version will be set in “the barrio” and, through a delightful oversight at every level of production, will cast George Lopez in the Pancho Villa role. Also, yes, Pancho Villa will be a talking cat.
You’re both wrong, high school phys-ed is the issue.
** scoops Fluffernutter from the jar with fingers, wipes hands on XXXL shirt **
I tried running a school bus full of mathletes off the road, but they left from their school at 9:30 am traveling north at 30 miles per hour and I left from my house in the north at 9:45 am going 88 miles per hour and ended up in the fucking past.
Figure that one out.
If elected Student Body President I promise to eradicate all class.
[A strange glowing portal opens in ceiling. Assorted personal items, watches, rings, jewelry, begin falling through, then crappy falls trough in fetal postion covered in ectoplasm. A midget walks up and says, "This house is clean."]
I hope they have Don played in the same way Depp did Sparrow. Mumbling like a drunk with Bell’s palsy and all spastic like he has early onset cerebral palsy.
Flux capacitors, how do they work?
I bought a copy of Don Quixote about 20 years ago and not once since i bought it have i ever thought “It’s about time i read that.” So i’m not exactly waiting rapturously for any movie version either. I’d give the XXX parody a watch though.
Cervantes wrote in a kind of obsolete vernacular, like Basque (Euskadera en espanol), which, for all you nerds out there, like people who write “*sad vuvuzela*,” is the only language in Europe besides Finnish that didn’t come from the Indo-European parent tongue (that’s what she said), including English, which is spoken in England, the fact of which reminds me: “Can we please adopt the British style of punctuation regarding quotation marks, because putting them outside all the other punctuation doesn’t always make sense (cf. ‘”*sad vuvuzela*,”‘). Betcha never seen five punctuation marks in a row before, have ya?
(snaps suspenders, leans back)
Taking the Lost in La Mancha phone call must’ve been tough for Gilliam:
“What’s that? You want to make a movie about me NOT making this movie? Um, let me get back to you. I have to clear it with the investors.”
Give this project a year, and it’ll be Vin Diesel in “Don QuixXxote.”