Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke’s next project is a “gothic horror reimagining” of Little Red Riding Hood (Red Riding Hood) starring Amanda Seyfried, Julie Christie, Gary Oldman, and the recently cast Lukas Haas.
David Leslie Johnson (Orphan) [SECRET DWARF HOOKER!! -Ed.] wrote the script, which is set in a medieval village haunted by a werewolf. [Variety]
But how will they update this for a contempo audience? Will the werewolf fight vampires? Will he embody ethnic temptation?? WILL HE HAVE CHISELED WOLF ABS????
The film is being described as a “gothic horror re-imagining” and stars Amanda Seyfried as the titular character, but a wolf isn’t the only thing she’s got to worry about– Seyfried’s character is caught in the midst of a love triangle. She’s engaged to a guy played by Max Irons, but also has a thing for Shiloh Fernandez’s character, an orphaned woodcutter. Then there’s Julie Christie as Red Riding Hood’s grandmother and Gary Oldman as Father Solomon, the guy in charge of finding and killing that pesky wolf. Haas is on board to play the village priest. [CinemaBlend]
HOORAY FOR LOVE TRIANGLES! But let’s be honest, one of these guys has to turn out to be the werewolf. Young girls aren’t going to watch a werewolf movie unless the hairy wolfman tries to f*ck the pretty white girl. Well, not “f*ck” maybe, not until they’re married. Before that, they’ll have to settle for blowing a house down.
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The good thing about Amanda Seyfried’s eyes being so far apart is that she can keep an eye on two guys at once without them ever finding out about one another.
Fanfiction is a hell of a thing.
“Grandma! What big teeth you have and I see the neighbor across the way left their gate open!”
Wolves have eyes on the sides of their heads. Maybe… NOOOO!!!
The other good thing about it Donk is that you can sling a rope on her face and you’re pretty much guaranteed you won’t blind her in both eyes.
Wait, that Red riding hood bitch was always asking for it, come on!
Apparently, they couldn’t get Hellen Mirren to play the grandmother whom the wolf eats.
Vince typed something about Amanda Seyfried’s titular love triangle and I jizzed. :(
An orphaned woodsman? They’re getting so obvious with the abstinence parable crap that they’re now casting euphemisms.
The last robin hood might have been red but it was not little at all.
The Oakley design team have recurring nightmares about Amanda Seyfried ordering Frogskins.
The love triangle is completed when Max Irons and the Orphaned Woodcutter fall in love and change the story from ‘Litte Red Riding Hood’ to ‘Peter in the Wolf’.
I can’t wait until they come out with a modern take on Goldilocks that involves her being gangbanged by the entire male population of the bear clan. Serves that bitch right for eating all their porrige and breaking their furniture and passing out drunk in their sex dungeon.
When I think of Little Red Riding Hood updates, I think of Freeway. When I think of Freeway, I think of Reese Witherspoon. When I think of Reese Witherspoon, I think of her tits. When I think of her tits, I think of that movie where she went topless. That movie is called Twilight. Now, unfortunately, when I hear of a movie called Twilight I don’t think of tits, but rather a shitty film series whose original director, Catherine Hardwicke, is now directing this re-imagining of Little Red Riding Hood.
“Hey Grandma, what an awfully big space between your eyes you have!”
Please let Seyfried’s character be named Abby Normal.
Turns out there’s a little man under that hood and he’s very ticklish.
My what big pancake nipples you have…
I’m pretty sure “over the river and through the woods” was already an allegory for sexual maturation and saving yourself until marriage.
MIZ, I’ve actually seen a prototype of the ones they’re working on for her.
Morton’s on to it, LLRRH is not a love triangle. It’s about young girl struggling with bad choice after bad choice. Like when I go to the Dairy Queen.
@Zero: I’d also accept “Flaunda Wallice”.
The wolf isn’t going to fuck the pretty white girl but he is going to eat her Grandma.
This movie is going to turn “Wolf Pack” into a verb.
If that want to get real neo-gothic, they have have Seyfried save the red hood for 1 week out of the month.
Fuck it.
AMANDA LOVE CHUNK!!! HEY YOUSE GUYS!!!
I feel ashamed for actually knowing what this is:
[www.urbandictionary.com]
Hey Ratner, 3′s a party, 4′s a crowd, quit making it awkward.
The woodsman wasn’t really trying to kill the wolf. It was all a big misunderstanding. He was just trying to fulfill the wolf’s request for some axewound.
I haven’t seen an axewound in ages…
Haha, just kidding, I love you internet.
“Good Lukas Haas will take Master to Mordor! *gollum*”
The script was really good. Very much like SLEEPY HOLLOW.
I just hope that hack Hardwicke doesn’t fuck it up and turn it into TWILIGHT.
Movies I won’t be watching: This one.
Anyways, The Company of Wolves takes a dump all over this movie.