‘Machete Maidens Unleashed’
06.30.10
Filipinos are cool. Not only are they widely known as “the party Asians,” they just elected a president named “Noynoy”, which sounds like a charming description of third-world prostitute vagina. Hmm, this seems to be getting a tad un-PC. ANYWAY, after the jump, I’ve got the trailer for Machete Maidens Unleashed a documentary about exploitation cinema in the Phillippines from the guy who did Not Quite Hollywood. The title cards at the beginning basically set the whole thing up for you:
“From the early 70s to the mid 80s, the Phillippines was in the grip of a brutal dictatorship and under martial law. Fighting back was forbidden. Chaos was contained. Indecency was punished. There was no sign of revolution. EXCEPT IN THEIR MOVIES!”
Okay, settle down, Spaz. Luckily, the rest of trailer is nothing but clips from Filipino exploitation movies, and they look amazing. It’s two minutes of nuns with guns, midget secret agents, bare-breasted ladies and snakes, zombies, explosions, and Chuck Norris. This also describes my ideal first date.
There are very brief flashes of nudity sprinkled throughout, so act accordingly.
“Yes, darling, bare your bod.”
Aw, I bet you say that to all he midget secret agents. Now show me your noynoy.
[via Twitch]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/05/Machete-Maidens-Peeing-Guy-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/02/freaks21-150x150.jpg)
There are very brief flashes of nudity sprinkled throughout, so act accordingly.
*transports weapons across state line to kidnap underaged children and sell them into slavery*
Long live the midget secret agents tag!
I really don’t know how you’d expect Miss Machete to stay on a leash for very long. #RookieMistake
You had me at bare-breasted. That made me think of bear-breasted. Wait, what are we talking about?
Every time I hear the Phillippino language, I think of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m pretty sure I saw at least 19 Scooby Doo villains in that clip.
The way it Flip’d from clip to clip made me ill.
Ordering Domino’s Pizza is the only way to avoid the Phillipines’ new president.
There are very brief flashes of nudity sprinkled throughout, so act accordingly.
*puts on trench coat and gets ready to hit pause*
If they had that midget super agent riding the, uh, “bat guy monster” like Falcor, that may have been the most epic thing ever.
“ATREYUUU…BARE YOUR BOD!”
FACT: Weng Weng grew up to become Wilmer Valderrama.
Whoa! Rooster just came! Luckily he was on the other side of the counter makin’ the fries.
I don’t know, I just feel like the whole Nuns-Getting-Killed-By-Shotguns gag is SO hackneyed.
*Takes drag of clove, draws naked lady in Moleskine*
Oh, but Japan won’t be happy about the Philippines trying to steal its crazy crown.
I was appalled by the tag of midget secret agent not having a link to knight and day.
At about 1:07, did I catch a glimpse of Gary Busey? All that other stuff plus the Juicy Busey equals happy in my book.
*Tosses tiddly-winks in attackers face, carries on with day
Ok so far Ive seen Pam Greer talking shit about cutting some dudes cock off, a midget jumping over a canyon on a minibike, and Lee van Cleef. I would let this movie fuck my ass while I sucked it’s dick. No homo.
Flips also off people who fuck up Sinatra songs. This article deserves at least four Pulitzers.
[www.nytimes.com]
For Your Height Only is the tiny secret agent film and is soul-shakingly awesome. It has a review up here:
[www.badmovies.org]
I thought I had the only copy.