A friend recently sent over this film clip from Nigeria. I clicked on it, expecting another charming, low-budget romp in the vein of Chicken Madness. What I got was legitimately terrifying (save for the charming low-budgetness). Apparently, in West Africa there’s a crazy lady named Helen Ukpabio who’s very influential, and makes films to convince people of the existence of child witches. So basically, an African, not-gay version of Kirk Cameron. Also, there’s this:
Ukpabio has published her views in several books. An example is ‘Unveiling The Mysteries of Witchcraft’, in which she states that, “If a child under the age of two screams in the night, cries and is always feverish with deteriorating health he or she is a servant of Satan.”
A fact not mentioned in the book is that these symptoms are common in young children, especially in areas like Nigeria with poor health and high levels of malaria.
Mala-who? I dunno, dude, I saw the movie, I’m pretty sure it was witches.
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“If a child under the age of two screams in the night, look under the bed for Roman Polanski.”
My wife is gonna be so pissed when she finds out we hafta burn our kids at the stake.
Where are all the flies?
Helen Ukpabio? i fucked her. that explains why she portrays the Devil as a white guy in case you were all wondering.
Fifty Cent did it for the art, I guess.
Did I ever tell you about the time Vince took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally Vince takes me to a vacant lot and says, ‘Here we are.’ We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Vince yelled over the roar of the flames, ‘Always leave things the way you found em!’
OWAH WITCH TRIALS HAD MOAH HAHT THAN THEYAH WITCH TRIALS. NO ONE DENIES THIS.
This explains why our pediatrician recommended we compare my son’s weight to that of a duck.
I should have known better – when we called for the appointment, the receptionist asked ‘Which doctor?’ This was odd, as it’s not a group practice.
Still makes more sense than scientology.
Witch or not, you still needd to get that ass outside and get me a switch! Sass your grandma and you know what happens!
Feklahr, come forth!
Your new spiritual name is “My thigh hurts”. You will be cursed with an average size penis, obesity, and high blood pressure. You will sow mischief by means of questionable tax deferments, moderately racist/sexist remarks, and minor traffic violations. What? … Yes, I suppose you can masturbate whilst watching that episode where Troi dresses up like a Romulan…
When reached for comment, Helen Ukpabio was quoted saying “Ooh eeh ooh aah aah, ting tang wallawalla bingbang. Ooh eeh ooh aah aah, ting tang wallawalla bingbang.”
“If a child under the age of two screams in the night, cries and is always feverish with deteriorating health he or she is a servant of Satan.”
Yeah, she doesn’t go to TGI Fridays anymore.
Hey that’s offensive Vinky! I thought we were all in agreement about this. Change that to Nhigeria!
Roman Polanski is on board with this. He knows all about how children can put a spell on you.
Well hey there baby, you want a ride? Why don’t you hop in and put your broomstick in my trunk? Later on, I’ll return the favor.
This bitch keeps emailing me, trying to tell me my Ebay account has been deactivated. Fuck you, scary lady.
Banner Pic: Anakin Skywalker
This bitch ain’t nothin but Madame Cleo’s second cousin once removed.
Dedication to your friends and family is the key to wealth and happiness my ass!
Unrelated: MSN.com right now has an article about KStew hatin on the papparazzi in which they refer to her as “the sultry Twilight star”.
Since when is sultry a synonym for half-tard?
Sultry Kangaroo MMA?
I think they just figured that biting your lip and looking like you have heart burn is the new pucker your lips and blow.
Or they’re idiots.
Child witches compete in spelling bees.
Chris Hansen did shows on Nigerian Scammers AND Child Abuse. I’m curious as to how he let this one slip by.
I guess Pat Robertson was right about Harry Potter.
Damn you chick who wrote Harry Potter whose name I can’t recall and am too lazy to google!! DAMN YOU!!
[lights match]
It takes a village to raze a child.
My kid is more of a servant of Satin. Faaaabulous!
Madona adopted it.
If a child under the age of two screams in the night, cries and is always feverish with deteriorating health he or she probably just needs to get fed. Oh, wait…
I know it´s not funny, but I remembered this when I think of blacks and religion.
‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.’
I must have missed 60 minutes. Witchcraft? Karl, have you heard about this? Can these kids crack codes? I need those codes.
“Where are all the flies?”
They’ve ate ‘em.
You won’t believe your dangling eyeballs!
What’s worse, someone deciding you’re a witch or a sandwich?
Trick question, it’s both: A Whichwich….which I hear suck btw.
Did you guys notice Sam Jackson was the Equinsu Ocha? He’s in everything.
A childwich isn’t a childwich without the tangy zip of Ukpabio Whip!
Scary in Nigeria? Check.
Cold in “The D”? Check.
Romulans in the Neutral Zone? DOR SHO GHA!
Ukpabio: I deem thee a witch!
[kicks kidwitch down well]
Ukpabio: This is NIGERIAAAAAA!!!
Villager: Hey bitch, we gotta drink outta there!
U: Oh, sorry. I jus…
V: Sorry? Where the fuck are we going to get water now. Some kid rotting away in the well and we all dying of thirst!
U: But I had to get rid…
V: So cut the witches heart out, feed it to a dog, lop off it’s head and bury it facing East like we’ve always done!
U: I didn’t mean to…
V: Whatev! Fucking interlopers.
Satan and I agree, it’s so hard to find good help nowadays over the age of 2.
There’s only one thing that scares Nigerians more than child witches: the Sweetie Man.
Which episode of LOST was this?? F-it…. Mr. Eko wasn’t important anyhow.
All I see is scary Homer sitting in a Bart thrown.