I don’t like to bring up the oil spill here because it’s depressing as hell, but it seems the slick has finally reached the coast of movie news (see what I did there?). The EPA is now asking James Cameron for ideas on how to stop the disaster and hey, wasn’t this a South Park episode? By the way, if it’s fresh ideas you’re after, Hollywood’s not the best place to start. Okay, AP writer, serve me up an awful movie pun:
WASHINGTON – “Top kill” didn’t stop the Gulf oil spill. How about something “titanic”?
Oof. That was “Abyss”mal. I just wanted to “Shove You Down Stairs.” No, that one’s not a movie. Yet.
Federal officials are hoping film director James Cameron can help them come up with ideas on how to stop the disastrous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
The “Avatar” and “Titanic” director was among a group of scientists and other experts who met Tuesday with officials from the Environmental Protection Agency and other federal agencies for a brainstorming session on stopping the massive oil leak.
The Canadian-born Cameron is considered an expert on underwater filming and remote vehicle technologies. [AP]
Much as I enjoy ripping on James Cameron’s taste for cliché, oversimplified romance, you can’t deny that he’s an intelligent dude. And have we tried clogging the leak with bags of money and lady hair? James Cameron could be your guy.
“I have an idea. It’s kind of like a rhinoceros crossed with stegosaurus, except neon green. And it eats oil, because that’s the main source of nutrients on its planet. Hmm, one problem though, it lives on land. We may have to build it some kind of snorkel. Might be cheaper to do it CGI.”
“Get out.”
“Fine, I know when I’m not wanted. To hell with you, sky people. YAH!”
*flies off on rape pterodactyl*
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/10/KickAssFinalPoster-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/09/Avatar-Naavisexcartoon-150x150.jpg){kind=avatar}
Have they tried stuffing the hole with Billy Zane’s wigs? They have?
Why don’t we tie Katherine Heigl to an anchor and then drop her into the sea?
What, there’s an oil spill?
This is a better idea than having Michael Bay brainstorm solutions.
Two words, gentlemen. (Makes explosion noise with mouth)
I watched TDS & Colbert last night, and they had about 10 punchlines each for it. I didn’t laugh once because I see this as what it is: a fucking shitstorm holocaust that’s right in my back yard (FL).
If Katherine Bigelow goes missing and the oil leak stops, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
Things got awkward when Cameron showed up in the Gulf only to find that Kathryn Bigelow had already plugged the hole using far more subtle and talented methods.
Federal dude- Mr. Cameron, in your expert opinion, what’s the best way to handle this problem?
Cameron- Well, with problems such as this, where it’s very difficult to achieve what you’re trying to accomplish, what we do is edit that part out of the movie. Now, who do I see about that consultant’s fee payment?
Fuck asking James Cameron, they need to ask Optimus Prime!
FUCK YOU, BURNSY
But Menace, it’s our humor as Floridians that’s sustained our people for 5,000 years.
We need a ruling here. Whose dick did Chareth just step on, Burnsy’s or Kathryn Bigelow’s?
Wanna take any bets that Joaquin Phoenix goes out and tries to drink up the spill as his next publicity stunt?
*crosses fingers*
Look, I already told you guys that I masturbated to Kathryn Bigelow before (and only one time after) I found out she has a dick. What’s done is done and I wish you would stop bringing this up.
This one’s for Stinky Pete:
Have they tried scooping out the oil with John Graziano? WELL, THEN THEY HAVEN’T TRIED *EVERYTHING*, HAVE THEY???
They could combine the fairy power and make a protective tree cage over the gulf. It worked in Fern Gully.
Is there any chance we could get that hoagey / ice cream cone / hot pocket out of Vince Vaughan’s grasp and try shoving it down the well?
No chance whatsoever? Huh, well I’m out of ideas.
James Cameron has a list of ideas, each of which involves Sam Worthington, an IMAX camera, and a plunger.
Yo girl, C-Tate be takin’ up a dance off in da street to be raisin’ awareness and shit to be understandin’ oil spills. Now why don’t you hop in dat gulf and let me slick it up yo ass.
Has anyone contacted Gabourey Sidibe yet?
No, no, I don’t mean to throw her into the ocean to plug the hole you insensitive assholes. I was thinking she could siphon most of the oil to the surface…
Damn Fek, that was some tizzight reprazentn’, son.
Since it’s the Gulf of Mexico, wouldn’t the oil just bead and roll off like oil to a wet-back’s back?
It’s the Juggalo in Him, bruns.
(Truth is, I got this cousin that’s a half-retarded wigger…he does C-Tate better than all of us combined and squared, and he don’t even know it. I just channel him when I feel da need to get propa.)
Ryan Gosling suggested that we seal it with one giant hug.
I feel like we could do a FilmDrunk We Are the World here.
Vince Vaughn can just lie down on the beach and soak up vast quantities of oil with his back hair.
Vinny, check the tip line bro. No ice.
True story about my cousin C-Tard: He still makes fun of me because this one time he was showing me videos and shit on his phone, and I mistook 50 Cent for Xhibit in this one picture he had (the screen is about the size of a postage stamp, and the date was covering his FACE). Yeah, this kids from IOWA. “Damn dawg, you iggnint, don’t know who 50 Cent is! He gon’ mess you up!”
Step 1: Arrange meeting with Fek’s cousin and C-Tate
Step 2: ????
Step 3: PROFIT
You’ll have a swell time with James Cameron’s slick new undersea adventure!
They tried asking Kirk Cameron, but couldn’t really wrap their heads around praying to God to grow a banana big enough to fit into the hands of the “Oil Devil”.
If I’ve learned anything from the internet, and I think I have, the only way to stop this thing is if we all like a facebook fan page that “dislikes” the oil spill. It is also crucial for all of us to update our statuses to reflect a general displeasure with the oil spill and to urge our friends, if they feel the same way, to copy and paste this same status into their own status update.
Drunk Orson Welles suggests distilling the oil.
New up.
The director they should have gotten is Micheal Bay because they need to just blow the damn thing in on itself.
@Burnsy:
that, and our fondness for seafood and women in bikinis.
“Shove You Down Stairs” isn’t a movie, it’s the name of my back alley abortion clinic.
I personally would’ve asked George Lucas to plug up that hole with his neck or any scripts used from ’99 to ’05