Christopher-Nolan-ChristianBale

Christopher Nolan (Dark Knight/Memento/etc.) might be the smartest person in Hollywood.  (James Cameron is pretty smart too, despite his belief that every movie needs a super-evil villain who drowns puppies and drinks baby blood). Nolan recently spoke with the LA Times about the 3D phenomenon, and in typical smartypants fashion, he didn’t use the phrase “immersive experience” or “thrill ride” once.  In fact, I may need to translate.

“The truth is, I think it’s a misnomer to call it 3-D versus 2-D. The whole point of cinematic imagery is it’s three-dimensional. … You know, 95% of our depth cues come from occlusion, resolution, color and so forth, so the idea of calling a 2-D movie a ’2-D movie’ is a little misleading.”

Translation: “Non-3D movies already create the illusion of depth, dipsh*t, that’s the whole f*cking point.”

“The truth of it is when you watch a film in here, you’re looking at 16 foot-lamberts, when you watch through any of the conventional 3-D processes, you’re giving up three foot-lamberts. A massive difference.”

Translation: “3D is too f*cking dim, yo.  A motherf*cker watching a 3D movie can’t hardly see sh*t.”

Nolan, who scored a billion-dollar success with “The Dark Knight,” is as secure as any director in Hollywood at the moment. But he made it clear Saturday night that although he was captain of his own destiny [destiny... has captains?  -Ed.], it was the studios that built the ship [the ship of destiny].

“Well, let me put it this way: There is no question if audiences want to watch films in stereoscopic imaging, that’s what the studios will be doing, and that’s what I’ll be doing.”

Translation: “I think the sh*t is whack, but if the rats like cheese, that’s what a motherf*cker gotta put in in the traps, gnome sayin’?”

Sorry I had to do that, folks, but you know how the British are.  “Bugga me norks guv, Dog’s your uncle Bobby lorrie lift.”  What are they even saying?