Yo girl, let's bounce, this party hella whack.
Yo girl, I gots bad news for you, right? I’m a heroin addict, boo. I’m junkie like a mutha, suck yo d*ck for some bomb big harry, son. Yeah, that’s right, you gots to worry ‘bout the C-Tate, cousin. I be all pukin’ up in here cuz I’m goin’ through wiffdrawal, heard. Sh*t’s gonna get real up in this bitch, like my skin is crawlin’ and I can’t dance no more cuz the demons be eatin’ my soul, chuch. Yo girl, will you be there for me and help C-Tate get his schwerve back, holler for real?
Haha, just kiddin’, you dumb beeyotch. C-Tate ain’t mess with the junk, girl. I be actin’ for my new role in What’s Left of Us, based on Richie Farrell’s word book. Yo, that ain’t the Anchorman dude, baby drawers. I ain’t like the Will Ferrell, not like my man Ashton Kutcher, yo. He’s the comedy, for realz, A-Kutch ya heard!
Share some needles wif me, Deadline:
The Dear John heartthrob and G.I. Joe action figure will star in What’s Left of Us, based on Richie Farrell’s novel, which the author is adapting for the screen. Based on a true story, Tatum will play a heroin addict going through 7 excruciating days in detox. Farrell knows the subject well: he sold the documentary High On Crack Street to HBO.
Yo girl, this is the C-Tate’s big time, proper. I’mma be all like, “Yo girl, I like to thank the Academy for steppin’ off my nut sack, right? Cuz you ain’t handle Tate’s flava, naw girl. I’m like, thankful to Jesus and my mama, respek to the top. All you other whack ass actors, like Tom Hanks? More like Tom Spanks my black ass. Brad Pitt? More like Brad Ain’t Sh*t! I’m the real deal, son! RUFF! RUFF! YOU AIN’T GOT THIS STYLE, SON, WHAT!”
And like, Angie Jolie be all, Yo C-Tate I saw yo abs up on stage and I wanna grind wit you, haha. I be all like, I can get down girl, but you gots to get wit the Lucy Liu and Penelophy Cruzes, like United Nations gangbang, represent. But I ain’t adoptin’ no babies, girl. I hope you kept them receipts, ya heard?
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Yo girl, I tried to use a needle once but my arms is so ripped that the motherfucker couldn’t break my skin, Nahmean?
As this is clearly an attempt to legitimize his career and maybe nab some awards, C-Tate will spend months doing exhaustive research on Florence Nightingale.
*C-Tate walks on set, unzips his pants and pulls his genitals out*
I’m a Junkie, Eye mah junk, E!
*C-Tate laughs hysterically as petrified onlookers gawk*
Whatevs, yo. Don’t be hatin’, just start batin’. HOLLA!
I bet C-Tates loves to C-Tits.
Yo, C-Tate be hanging out wit Trent Reznor and listening to Leonard Cohen albums on da real, brah. Gettin’ all Kurt Cobain up in this shit. CLICK CLICK BOOM!
If he wants an Oscar, he’s gotta be a retarded fag in a concentration camp while kicking heroin.
You know, after reading Filmdrunk for so long, meeting Channing Tatum, Gary Busey, Terrance Howard, Nick Nolte, Rip Torn, or Lisa Rinna in real life would be a huge let down.
You know, after reading Filmdrunk for so long, meeting Roman Polanski in real life would be a huuuge lepft dooooowngg. *roofies finally kick in*
Gotta imagine shaking Bret Ratner’s hand would involve Cheeto dust, though.
You know who wouldn’t ever let you down? Ryan Gosling.
After seeing C-Tate’s love web site, I almost feel bad about these posts. But then I don’t.
I can’t understand C-tate-speak. Is there a class I can take?
That computer geek C++Tate just got a super swirly from the debate team.
C-Tate’s 12 Step Program:
1. Yo, Girl – this shit be controllin’ my lizife.
2. Yo, Girl – Give it up fo da Lord, ya hear?
3. Yo, Girl – C-Tate be ridin’ on my man C-Ryste’s shouldas.
4. Yo, Girl – I be diggin deep, yo. Shit’s ’bout to get realz.
5. Yo, Girl – C-Tate ain’t always got the right answers, nawmean?
6. Yo, Girl – Da Lord gonna clean up my shit ‘n’ shit, ya hear?
7. Yo, Girl – C-Tate be beggin Da Jesus to give him the allz clear.
8. Yo, Girl – I gots a list, and you’re at the tippy top.
9. Yo, Girl – C-Tate be sorry for that time I put it in ur butt. I wuz WHACKED!
10. Yo, Girl – I just realized I prolly shouldn’t said that last one out loud. My badz.
11. Yo, Girl – C-Tate be on his KNEES, sayin’ his hail Mizaries.
11. Yo, Girl – I be HEALED, and C-Tate be spreadin’ the word like yo legz. Hey, Girl, C-Tate’s sorry ’bout that last part.
Wigger 101?
Conversational Wigger?
African American Studies.
Conversational Wigger, you say? Is that the class taught by Professor Eric Nies?
Checks out my fly ass new tat to cover my mawfuckin trackmarks, yo…….”MONEY OVER BITCHES”…..Respec.
“Conversational Wigger: Eminem’s Autobiography”
Garey Busey’s 12 Step Program:
Step 1: Knock that shit off and focus on your peripherals.
The End.
Sure, Eric Nies… [Google] …yup.
[Glad he had to Google that]
Ma’phucken word-d-d? C-tate be checkin his traps and stackin his snaps, for real for real this time. He ain’t playin, be mowin’ chickenheadz lefts and rights like he a masheen gun dat only pump guts o’ sumthin. Oh sheeeat. He be gettin dem beezys hella faded off dem purps, then he powder up dem shredded abs with fishscale, and pour grape MD 20/20 in his belly button and shit. Next thang ya’ll knows, dem hoes be ahhschyeaaa, Clickity-CLOW: major grindeage fo reals.
While JihadGirl’s wiggerspeak is fantastic, big ups yo, I maintain that I WILL shoot in the face with rocksalt the first person who speaks ill of Burnsy. He’s like a 40oz saturated Oracle at Delphi. A blunted speaker of mystic truths.
Just throwing it out there.