And now, I present to you, the single greatest news lede that will ever be written. Oh Florida, don’t ever change.
BERVARD COUNTY, Fla. [sic] — The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail. [WFTV]
Well good for him. He was just havin’ a little fun, gropin’ chicks, puttin’ burritos down his pants — you know, the yooouge. Boys will be boys, amirite? “Is that a burrito in your Captain America costume, or are you just happy to see me– Oh. I see. It actually is a burrito. And no, I don’t want to taste your sour cream– okay, I take that back. It’s actually quite refreshing.”
I dub thee “Dr. Gropey McBurritopants.”
UPDATE: But wait, there’s more!
On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.
The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.” The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station.
Well sure. I say let he who’s never stashed the ol’ Derringer burrito in his boot cast the first stone.
-Follow FilmDrunk on Twitter, Fan us on Facebook
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/Bugs-Florida-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/david_o_russell_tranny-groper-150x150.jpg)
He was after her taco.
I’m no Captain America, but I called my dick the “pito burrito.”
He didn’t pass “Go.”
He PUT the burrito down his pants? I guess he was worried about protection and wanted to make sure he was wearing condiments…
Huh, that’s totally a bird rapist move there. Which FD’er lived in the dick state again…?
“Pork? No, it’s a bean burrito. I meant do you want to pork?”
C-Tates did the same thing, but the burrito was fresh out of the microwave and he burned the hell out of his dick again.
Wait. Burnsy’s a doctor?
Poor guy was just trying to get Chipotlaid.
How can he not go to jail?
Was the woman’s name “Cuntsuelo” or something??
*throws garbage can lid at Pauly’s crotch*
Back across the border!
Wait, I must have it backwards…America wants to import beans?
Ya üłPåÿ , more like, pulled pork! knowmsayin’!? LOLZ! Wacka whocka whooo!
…fuck it…
A million monkeys on a million typewriters were collectively quoted as saying “fuck it, we give up” after hearing this news.
A burrito? How un-American. Next time, use a hotdog.
I’m curious, was the burrito in the front, or the back. Because that makes a biiiig difference.
Captain America ees takeen our yobs.
Meanwhile, pervy Captain Britain has a scone in his spandex.
That’s what Captain Dr. Phil McCrakin gets for having enough coin for some “chimichanga”…
Coincidentley the women he was groping was Gabourey Sidibe. What he should of done if he wanted to get her to suck his dick was stuff some fried chicken in his pants.
My ability to make a decent comment has been crippled by two things:
1.) A desire to know what type of doctor this was.
2.) Wondering if the county in question is BERVARD or Brevard.
Bean there done that.
Iron Man with a BK Buck Double up his ass was unavailable for comment.
My ability to make a decent comment has been crippled by two things:
1.) Work.
2.) Kids.
Holy guacamole!
Now maybe I’ll get girls to believe me when I say I have a Whopper in my pants.
*Throws crisp Benjamin on table*
Podiatrist. Has to be.
The burrito was carne ASSada.
Why didn’t he go to jail you ask? Well, if you are damn fool enough to let a dude dressed as Capt. America with a gigantic bulge in his pants get close enough to grope you, you deserved it.
My guess is that he is a Nutritionist.
Brevard county is between Daytona Beach and Palm Beach on the Atlantic side. Cocoa Beach is in that county.
He’s obviously a Bulgeologist.
* Throws crisp $2,000 Peso bill on table*
Would you like any hot, mild or super soldier serum?
You could tell it was a breakfast burrito because it came with two huevos.
That headline is the one thing that exemplifies how easy it would be to make CLUE the greatest game of all time.
Was he a furry Captain or non-furry Captain? THIS IS IMPORTANT.
Question for the ladies: Is seven enchilada cock?
Attention Joss Whedon – stop telling Nathon Fillion he is a doctor.
He is an Internal Medicine Doctor in Palm Bay, FL.
He went to Medical School at UMDNJ, New Jersey and Residencies at Loma Linda University School of Medicine, California.
Can I nominate a comment from a different uproxx thread? Kind of like a booby prize thing?
Where’s Fuzzy Captain America at to defend his honor?
I say yes, JHC.
New up.
Awesome update.
So he kinda wobbled his leg and it slid down his leg into his boot?
Nice.
B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BUT WAIT! IT’S GETS BETTER!
That makes it a Bootrito.
Burritoes?
Stinkfoot.
Wouldn’t it be Captains America?
My burrito is always in my boot. If I tie it around my leg, it cuts off circulation.
Derek Smalls would be proud.
Capt. was hoping to ring some girl’s Taco Bell.
I’ve read that burrito foot is a side effect of the restless leg syndrome drug Miraplex.
At least Red Skull used a zucchini.
Two up!
That’s nacho typical way of picking up the ladies.