I find it amusing to imagine the music from Jaws here

I find it amusing to imagine the music from Jaws here

If you’re new to Filmdrunk, there’s this game we like to play: take a cheesy movie, preferably a weepy rom-com, then recreate the plot. The rule is, you can only use expository quotes (no analysis!) from other people’s reviews.  Today’s movie is Letters to Juliet, starring Amanda Seyfried.  Ready?  Go!

Drawn to the lonelyhearts notes pinned to the courtyard wall at the Casa di Giulietta — supposedly the home of the real Juliet Capulet of “Romeo and Juliet’’ (Boston Globe)

…the broken-hearted began making pilgrimages there, tucking lovelorn letters into the wall below with “Juliet’s secretaries,”. (LA Times)

…a-behind-the-scenes team of self-appointed Italian yentas hand-writing answers to every one. (NY Post)

It’s there that Sophie [Amanda Seyfried] discovers a letter hidden behind a brick.. (Boston Globe)

…a 50-year-old missive from a Brit named Claire that — golly — no one noticed in the ensuing decades.  At least, not until the angelic Sophie arrives in Verona for a little vacay with her cute, weird fiance (Gael García Bernal; who else?), a chef who goes into convulsions of ecstasy over the local cheese. (Houston Chonicle)

With a look Sophie wishes he’d reserve for her, Victor goes through the movie pronouncing everything edible “amazing” or “incredible.” (Washinton Post)

As the ultimate foodie, his oral fixations leave little time to feign interest in Sophie’s passions. While she’s talking about her dream of being a writer, he’s losing himself in another cheesegasm. She tries to be supportive, but finally she puts her foot down: “I don’t know why you want to travel 120 kilometers to see a mushroom.” (AZ Central)

Sophie — who checks facts at a version of The New Yorker edited by Oliver Platt (the thunderously jowled man-walrus -{NY Post}) from an office with a view of the Brooklyn Bridge. (New York Times)

To amuse herself, she joins the ladies’ letter-writing brigade and whips off a belated reply to Claire… (Houston Chonicle)

…a now 65-year-old English grandma (Vanessa Redgrave, soft of voice and gentle of countenance). (NY Post)

The gist of it is this: When it comes to love, it’s never too late. (Washington Post)

While Sophie is still on vacation, the letter zips all the way to England, gets read by the grandmother (now widowed) and inspires her to instantly pack up and go to Italy with her grandson (Christopher Egan) in search of her old flame, only to run into Sophie. (NY Post)

The three then embark on a search for Claire’s lost love, some sexy Tuscan farmer named Lorenzo. (Houston Chonicle)

Doing the driving is Redgrave’s priggish, disapproving nephew, Egan. (StarTribune)

…whose instant detestation of Sophie is the first sign of impending love. (New York Times)

Some mild humor results from the fact that Lorenzo Bartolini is a popular Italian name. (Washington Post)

The best joke in the movie is that they’re all willing to pick up with Claire where they never left off. (Boston Globe)

Seyfried and Egan banter abrasively. (Star Tribune)

Much of the plot takes place on balconies; I stopped counting at three. (LA Times)

Look at how pretty Italy is! And how pretty Amanda Seyfried is! She’s drinking a glass of wine. I’ll bet that tastes good. Isn’t that fellow handsome? Doesn’t that old lady look sad? A wedding, how nice! (New York Times)

Not to be left unspoken are such lines as, “Destiny wanted us to meet again,” “An angel brought you to me” and “When we are speaking of love, is [sic] never too late,” all delivered in an Italian accent. (New York Post)

Seyfried manages not to wince when her character boasts of a Brown degree — in Latin! — just seconds after mangling the meaning of “caveat emptor.” (New York Post)

Anyone who saw the trailer knows precisely how Claire’s quest for Lorenzo ends. (Houston Chonicle)

He comes riding picturesquely through the vineyard with his distinguished graying beard like an Italian version of the Most Interesting Man in the World from those awful Dos Equis beer commercials. (AZ Central)

That dashing creature who arrives on horseback is played by Franco Nero, Redgrave’s husband and long-lost love, who re-entered her life several years ago. Sounds like a movie. Just not this one. (Houston Chonicle)

Coincidentally, “Cheesegasm” is also the title of my mom’s one-woman burlesque show.

Sources: NY Post, LA Times, Houston Chronicle, AZ Central, NY Times, StarTribune, Washington Post