
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise will receive yet another reboot, this time as Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes company has signed on to produce the latest installment of the Heroes in the Half Shell. Nickelodeon purchased the title last year for $60 million, which means that Paramount is now essentially the owner of the turtles. So look for the latest installment to feature Shredder capturing Splinter thanks to a tie-in from Mouse Trap.
There is no word on new plotlines or casting for the latest TMNT films by Platinum Dunes, which I think was also the name of the company we hired for my Bar Mitzvah. The film will return to the original franchise’s roots with a live action version, as opposed to the animated film from 2007. That means Bay and Co. will need to search for a feisty redhead to play the ambitious reporter April O’Neil, and I’d like to suggest Emma Stone on Diora Baird’s shoulders. Or vice versa. I’m not picky.
I’ll take my pizza with anchovies and Spam, Cinema Blend:
You likely know the name Platinum Dunes from the valiant work they’ve done destroying the reputations of perfectly good horror franchises, from the OK Friday the 13th remake last year to the recent dreadful A Nightmare on Elm Street. Platinum Dunes partners Brad Fuller, Andrew Form and Michael Bay will all serve as producers on the new turtles films, which puts Paramount in the Michael Bay business in a big way as the third Transformers film gets cranking.
Growing up, I was a huge fan of the Ninja Turtles cartoon, always hoping that the gang would defeat the evil testicles alien Krang and Shredder. I only hope that Platinum Dunes can tap into what made the cartoon so great in the first place, as well as the failures of the first two films, such as horrible acting, the absence of Rocksteady and Bebop, and super emo Raphael.
But one thing is for sure, this franchise has always brought the super tizzight soundtracks.

BAM!!!!
/ obligatory on a Bay thread
Bay, boom, something something Haley Williams boobies!
BRB. I think I’m needed in the bathroom.
I believe it’s “Heroes In a Half Shell”. No fan of the Turtles, I just really admire raw oysters.
/They make my wang big.
//Again, the oysters, NOT the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
///Although, if April’s jumpsuit was a little tighter, the Venn diagram might have a little crossover.
*Splinter walks in on Donatello*
Hm, I saw what you were doing, and it is alright. We all have these feelings, and I am glad you are doing this int eh privacy of your sewer. I will keep tic tacs in my kimono so you can hear me coming next time. Please stop using my socks.
Emo Raphael’s primary weapons are sighs.
I have it on good authority Bay had an epiphany to make this film after someone told him after watching Transformers 2 “You fucking, rat. This steaming turd’ll ruin this industry.”
So will we get Linkin Parks version of the Turtle theme or the douche that just won American Idol? Either way…douchery will reign.
Why doesn’t Scott Stapp have a production company?
He shits out just as many horrible ideas as Michael Bay.
Dr. Marvin Candle as Schredder or GTFO!!
Jeff Goldblum: No, I’m not fucking interested in playing Baxter Stockman, QUIT FUCKING ASKING!
*slams the phone down, yells COWABUNGA*
I’d much rather have a movie about the baby snow leopards. So cuuuuute!
That’s it. Bay has to be stopped. There is no chance we don’t see Jive talkin’ frogs. The man who made the 2 movies I hate the most is about to potentially ruin the one thing I loved the most as a kid.
If there isn’t a scene in this film with a turtle being chased by an explosion within a sewer, I’ll give Chodin a day off and suck Vince’s cock.
*high-5′s Bex for LOST reference*
My best friend growing up had the Turtle Blimp. What a fucking asshole that kid was.
I’m guessing in this version the US military find out about the turtles and want to contain them, there’ll be some douchey General or secret agent trying to keep the turtles under wraps, but they will finally realize they need them out there in the streets
LOST 4 Life!! haterz 2 da left!
Bay: I’m making the ninja turtles movie.
Assistant: Okay.
Bay: Who do you think could suck a cock harder, Papa John or those ethnically diverse Domino’s pizza kids from the commercials?
Assistant: I’m sure we’ll find out, sir. I’m sure we. will. find. out.
if i were a ninja turtle i’d only eat little caesars pizza
You’re dead on, TBG. No way MB misses a chance to setup the Battletoads spinoff which will beget the Double Dragon reboot.
PS: MB & the turbo tunnel level can lick my taint.
I will only watch this if Sam Rockwell reprises his role as Head Thug.
Dear God, just think of how many explosions Bay can fit into the background of a slow motion shot of turtles walking towards the camera.