Danny Trejo has a Cinco de Mayo message for Arizona — ju yust f*cked with the wrong Mexican, ése. So says the new trailer for Robert Rodriguez’ Machete. Of course, Machete began as a trailer in Grindhouse, and at first I just thought I was watching that. And then, BOOM! Robert DeNiro. Then the whole crazy cast started to show up, Lindsay Lohan as a nun, Michelle Rodriguez as (surprise!) a hardcore Latina, Steven Segal as a fat guy with swords, Don Johnson (!), Cheech Marin, and Jessica Alba (UPDATE: And Jeff Fahey. GRR, NOBODY PUTS FAHEY IN A CORNER!). I can’t help noticing that they cast a bunch of awesome male actors opposite some really sh*tty female ones. Does Michelle Rodriguez have more than one facial expression? She seems to play everything as “smug 15-year-old.” She’s like the Latin Avril Lavigne. Theoretically, seeing her in a bra should be hot, but it’s actually kind of scary, because you know at any moment she could flex her pecs and that thing will shoot off and put out someone’s eye. I hear she can crack walnuts with her Kegels. True story.
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Of course, none of this matters because MOTORCYCLE-MOUNTED GATLING GUN! Oh man, I bet Jonah Hex feels pretty stupid right now. Bringing a white dude and a horse to a Mexican motorcycle gatling-gun fight. Bush league, dude, bush league.
Viva la Mexploitation film!
[via AICN]
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Is it true that Steven Seagal has a unique physiological reaction to gatling guns?
Jessica Alba should get an award for managing to act terribly in a movie that features intentionally bad acting.
I hear she can crack walnuts with her Kegels. True story.
Her girlfriend FUCKING LOVES WALNUTS.
Danny Trejo is the Chevy El Camino of Hollywood.
OK, who’s the wise guy who got Steven Seagal aroused?
I have one problem with the credits. Where’s the love for Jeff Fahey?
Speaking on behalf of all white people who have adopted a Latino pseudonym, Jessica Alba is an Uncle Tom.
Jeff Fahey got totally screwed on Lost last night, so it’s no surprised he got screwed in the credits here too.
Between this and “Rubber”, it looks like I picked the wrong week to quit peyote
I can’t watch the video at work, but I’m guessing Lohan is perfect as a nun because she’s used to being on her knees.
Being a Mexican from Arizona, Machete’s message just tugged at my torta-strings.
Being a Mexican from Arizona shouldn’t you be Showing me your papers!?
I would expect you roll wiff Zig-Zags?
Michelle Rodriguez looks like she’s on a diet of growth hormones and bull sperm. She’ll look like Sly in Rambo 4 before you know it.
That’s just retarded JLD. Michelle Rodriguez wouldn’t know sperm if it shot her in the teef.
Seeing Lohan lick that gun barrel gave me my AHA moment.
Condoms for firearms.
Michelle Rodriguez prefers a meat-free taco.
Moose, 2 words. Fish. Tacos.
I FUCKING LOVE FISH TACOS!!!!
This will probably be the greatest film of all time. Goodbye, Citizen Kane; this Mexican just stole your job.
Machette hates renters. He doesn’t acknowledge borders.
JOHNNY-23!!!
Glad you got your arms back dude.
Rename: The Mexpendables