The other day, FilmDrunkard David was kind enough to send me the above screencap from the RottenTomatoes reviews page for Shrek Forever After, showing that it had received only one positive review. And guess who it is, surprise, surprise, our old friend Pete Hammond. Here’s what Pete says about the film, broken into out-of-context quotes and with exclamation points added, the way he would want it:
- “Hilarious and heartfelt from start to finish!”
- “The best Shrek of them all!”
- “Big laughs and emotion!”
- “You can’t beat these beloved Ogres in brilliant 3D (for the first time) for pure entertainment this summer!”
- “Shrek is without question the funniest film of the year-at least so far!”
Some of the previous films Pete Hammond deemed “funniest” of their respective genres include:
- Heartbreak Kid (“Ben Stiller’s funniest film.”)
- Vicky Cristina Barcelona (“Woody Allen’s funniest film in years.”)
- Zack and Miri Make a Porno (“The funniest movie I’ve seen all year.”)
- Monsters vs. Aliens (“The year’s funniest comedy.”)
- Up (“The funniest movie of the summer.”)
- The Proposal (“Riotously funny! The Proposal is without question the year’s best comedy.”)
It wasn’t the first time he’d called something “pure entertainment” either. (“Pure entertainment!” -City Island, “Pure entertainment with great music, wit and a dream cast!” -A Prairie Home Companion, “Pure entertainment from start to finish.” -High School Musical 3, “The most purely entertaining and inventive animated comedy of the year.” -Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs via).
Since the guy’s reviews are basically mad-lib collections of phrases that got him quoted in the marketing material of previous movies and he has no credibility, studios have stopped citing him as a source, saying it only detracts from the idea that reviews are meaningful in the first place. Haha, just kidding, of course.
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I bet his says this stuff during sex, too.
“Vanilla is the funniest flavor in the entire world!” – Pete Hammond
I bet his says this stuff during sex, too.
Wettest pussy this year – so far!
“Afterbirth: Funniest hair product I’ve seen all year!” – Pete Hammond.
“Hotel Rawanda: More fun than a barrel of monkeys!”
“Gummo: Retarded prostitution at it’s funniest!”
Emmanuel Levy’s mustache is the balls-ticklingest ride of the year!
HOO-AR!
“Getting neutered: Best decision I ever made!” – Pete Hammond
“Shrek is without question the funniest film of the year-at least so far!”
That statement would barely be true even if he caught a January 1st 12:01am screening of the film.
I’m pretty sure stoners don’t find half of this shit funny.
I’m producing a film called Boxoffice Magazine’s Pete Hammond Gets Violated By Various Objects After Which, He, Pete Hammond Of Boxoffice Magazine Must Lick Said Objects Clean: A Pscyho-Sexual Musical Journey In Three Acts just to enjoy putting his inevitable “Best Musical of the Decade!” quote in the advertisements. Joaquin Phoenix is in talks to star.
Huh. I never noticed how much Pete Hammond looks like Kevin from The Office.
how could you only muster 3 acts
“Schindler is on my list… of the funniest films of the year!”
I just dangled my keys in front of Pete Hammond’s face and he called it “The feel good experience of the decade!”
Pete Hammond described his experience with a new Toyota as “The most thrilling ride of the season!”
“I love the delicious irony in The Human Centipede. Without a doubt the most feel good comedy of the summer!” – Pete Hammond