Back in the 70s, Orson Welles used to do commercials for Paul Masson wine. In this clip of out takes from one such commercial, he shows us what it might be like if a scientist created a hybrid life form from David Hasselhoff in that burger video and Alfred Hitchcock. I think I’ve watched this 12 times in a row now. I can’t get enough of the director shouting “ACTION!” and Orson Welles just sitting there trying to lift his 70-pound eyelids (roughly a tenth of his total body weight). *Director pokes Orson with a stick* AHHHH! The Freeesssh shhaaampaaaagnes. ‘as alwayssh been celebraded forashexshellenshe…. *mumble mumble eyes roll around independently of each other zzzzzz*
Paul Masson Wines: They make grandpa wax nostalgic and fall asleep.
[Pursuitist via NYMag]
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There’s a Unicron drinking too much Energon joke in here somewhere but I’ll be dicked if I can find it.
That’s no alcoholic lush flubbing his lines. That’s an OD bitches! Original Drunkard!
Damn. I wanna watch Last Tango in Paris now. I mean…drunk Welles, this couple, and butter? A cinematic match-up ordained by the gods of the early 70′s.
Your move, Nick Nolte.
He’s not slurring. He’s speaking in cursive.
If all you had to eat all day was wine & frozen peas, you’d be loopy too.
That was the 3rd take of the commercial, but the 153rd of the bottle swig.
I absolutely loved the beginning words of take 2:
“ahhhh, the frenchshshss and their champagne…”
*shakes head in utter disappointment*
For shame, Vince. You just missed the opportunity for the best photoshop bomb in history. Hot Pocket Vaughan mingling in the crowd with Orson would have been awesome.
I know that drunken, heavy beathing all too well.
*writes down “date rape” on a piece of paper, furiously scribbles it out*
I… will take a case.
So now can Rip Torn finally get his Seagram’s 7 endorsement? “Seagram’s, the social lubricant for all your banking and Men in Black needs.”
“Rosebud….Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green peaness….Wait that’s terrible. I quit. Just a handful for the road *nom nom*. Oh what luck, there’s a french fry stuck in my beard.”
Ah yes, The Mighty Feklahr understands that Orson’s favourite vinyl record at Yuletide was Alvin and the terran rodents known as “Chipmunks”. You see, this could be construed as humorous because archaic vinyl records could be played at different speeds, and when played at the appropriate speeds, the terran rodents known as chipmunks would sound like normal monotone singing men, allow Him to demonstrate:
“Yuletide, Winter Solstice, time of year…Feklahr cannot sing, He has no ear…”
However, at this point the anecdote becomes really amusing because with teh archaic vinyl record slowed, the earthling baktag that Alving and teh terran rodents known as chipmunks co-habitated with sounded like…
Unicron trashed on wine.
“BWWWAAAAARRRR UUUHHHHMMMMM GGGWWWWOOOGGGGGLLLLAAAA MMMAAAAAHHHH!”
Qaplah!
Whackity-schmackity-dor-sho-gha!
ugrghrrhhhh sa frnchk an dare champgnkkkkk…. FUCK MALTESE FALCON. I SHIT ON IT. FALCONS ARE FOR CAKE EATERS LIKE BOGART. BOGART NAILED ROCK HUDSON ON HIS DEATHBEAD. ROSEBUD! ROSEBUD, BITCHES! MORE WINE?
*Head slams on table*
This is just asking for critique, but did I recreate any of the trashy, low-lifedness and uneasy tension of them other guys that painfully rip off Patton Oswalt? Or is the Alvin and the Chipmunks routine too obscure?
Is Punte from WL posting today? I think the first time someone sent me this video it was to cheer me up after the Twin Towers fell.
Orson Welles had no problem drinking wine out of a box, but Ramond Burr thought that was icky.
[www.youtube.com]
“Take 47…ACTION!”
“Aaaaaaaahhhh! Ther Freechsh shhampawng. CUT! CUT! FUCKING CEEUT! YO, YOU KNOW, JUSS WHA THE FUCK *hiccup* WAROFTEHWURLDS ‘AS ABOI? IT WASSABOUT FAGS. FUCKING FAGZ AND THE GAYS TAKENG OVERR THE WORRRLDS! I HATE’EM *sips drink* HATE THEM! AND THAT IS WHAT ROSEBUD WHAS ABUT”
Fuckin’ Miz, the Jizz Whiz. That took me forever to do. Fuck talking to customers on the phone while trying to Filmdrunk.
Seriously, though, if I can get my Klingon routine to be as painful as Carlos Mencia/Dane Cook/Brian Corman/Nick Madson…I might really be on to something.
hey. Hey. HEY! YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE AWESOME? DO YOU? TACO BELL. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. WHO’S DRIVING? NO, YOU’RE DRUNK. YOU’RE FUCKING DRUNK. I’LL DRIVING. ME. LESS GO. COME ON. WHERE’S MY SLED?
The similarites are striking, Pauly. I guess that’s how he really must have talked.
OK, I’m going to lunch, we can pick this up when I get back. THIS IS IMPORTANT!
I second the Original Drunkard remark.
Morgan Freeman still carries on this tradition, but you can only see it in Japan. Or if you’re a highway patrol officer working the graveyard shift.
Next morning-
Oh christ. What a horrible day. Please God…I will never drink again. Just don’t let this commercial be the last thing I do. I don’t want this to be my legacy. Please oh please merciful God
*phone rings*
What the fuck is a “Unicron”?
The reality of this as how winedrinkers are in everyday life was not looked upon kindly by the company.
[FunnyOrDie.com]
A spoof of the commercial that might even be funnier than the original!
Marlon Brando approved