Coincidentally, this headline is also the title of my future memoir. Anyway, I’ve got a couple of trailers for new 3D flicks to show you. *puts on 3D glasses, unzips pants*
First, Piranha 3D. I guess the only difference between this time and the other two times we posted the trailer is that hopefully this one doesn’t get taken down within the hour. It stars Ving Rhames as Glib, the fearful black dude and Christopher Lloyd as a wide-eyed scientist who just happens to be the foremost authority on expository dialogue. Anyone else think he’s laying it on a little thick? Relax, guy, you don’t get paid extra for that. Beyond that, there are lingering, gratuitous shots of large, gyrating breasts, which I appreciated. A few of them were attached to Kelly Brook and porn star Riley Steel. Speaking of which, when do we finally get to see that 3D porn? Adult cinemas have suffered enough. I think this could really get people publicly masturbating in theaters again.
Next up, the international trailer for The Hole in 3D, a 3D adventure from Gremlins director Joe Dante.
The film tells of a family who move into a new home and discover a hole in the basement that plays on their darkest fears. Teri Polo, Chris Massoglia, Haley Bennett, Nathan Gamble and Quinn Lord star.
Damn. Remember when holes in your basement just led to secret dimensions where you could party all night with monsters, eating candy and playing video games? I miss the 80s.
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And here I thought The Hole only led to puking your guts out in the urinal and getting a free peek at Keira Knightley’s teensy titties.
I’m sure we all noticed the BttF Christopher Lloyd rip-off in The Hole trailer.
BFD, who doesn’t have little girls in bottomless pits under their houses?
Goddamit do we have to revisit the issue of food supply to support a large predatory population? Suspend disbelief my fucking left testicle.
Meh. Now get Kelly Brook in a film called The Hole and we’re talking.
getting a free peek at Keira Knightley’s teensy titties.
That’s a money to titty ratio of 0.
But…eating candy and playing video games ARE His darkest fears…
Just kidding. It’s robot clowns.
A hole in 3D? Would it be better if it was Stick 3D. Maybe Guy in Basement Pointing at You Menacingly 3D?
I hope Piranha 3D makes so much money it inspires a series of spring break theme films culminating in the remake of “Blame it on Rio” called “Blame it on The Reflex” – which is how I apologize afterwards.
More like Piranha DDD, amirite?
“Teri Polo, Chris Massoglia, Haley Bennett, Nathan Gamble and Quinn Lord star.”
That cast read like a list of porno names. Apparently their parents are picking from the Polanski book of baby names.
In my experience, holes can normally only have 2Ds. Try to get 3Ds and things get a little crowded.
The film tells of a family who move into a new home and discover a hole in the basement that plays on their darkest fears.
The Dad’s darkest fear? Finding out his daughter is dating a black guy. A really, really dark black guy.
Snakes on a Boat, y’all
Second time today I have Layne Staley singing in my head.
I’d only watch this movie if they called it The Crawl Space, and at least one person in the trailer was wearing a clown suit.
Includes shot of Eli Roth as “Wet t-shirt contest emcee” @1:40….lets hope he dies painfully.
I like to think that the producers of Piranha feverishly debated whether Christopher Lloyd or Ving Rhames had become the bigger caricature of himself then at the end said fuck it and hired both by offering free lunch buffet
Riley Steele has her own Fleshlight. Hang on while I call in sick for the rest of the week.
Heavy.
Speaking of which, when do we finally get to see that 3D porn? …Next up, the international trailer for The Hole in 3D.
For a second there I thought you’d answered your own question.
Robert Pattinson has no plans to get anywhere near The Hole.
Robert Pattinson has no plans to get anywhere near The Hole.
He’d be all over The Pole, though.
Richard Dreyfuss Noooooooooo!
He better be really dead or I’m pissed.