Your Steven Seagal update rape

Ever since I got to report on Steven Seagal’s alleged “unique physiological reaction to sexual arousal“, (my favorite story ever, btw), I’ve been following the case as closely as my ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page, that bitch.  Some of the things I’ve learned: Among other things, two additional women have accused him of gropery.  A delightful excerpt:

In one woman’s declaration, obtained by TMZ, Seagal is accused of luring her into his bedroom, putting his hands on the woman’s breasts and stating that he was “checking just as a doctor would for lumps.”
The declaration continues, “Seagal reached his hand down my pants. He said, ‘I just wanted to touch it for a second to see what it felt like.’”
The woman claims she screamed and cried until Seagal let her go.

Well that’s disappointing. I was hoping he’d grab her by the vagina and yell, “ANYBODY SEEN BOBBY LUPO?”  Anyway, it’s important to note that these allegations came second hand by way of Seagal’s original accuser, Kayden Nguyen, and not from the supposedly molested girls themselves.  And also of course that most women are filthy, lying whores.  Meanwhile, one of the women is reportedly Ray Charles’ granddaughter, who Seagal met at Charles’ funeral.  The best part of the story?  I guaran-goddamn-tee you he was wearing one of his Kung Fu shaman outfits at the time.  BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!  Seagal’s ex-wife, Kelly LeBrock, is now speaking out about the allegations and the details of their marriage.

“I have many shocking things to say about Mr. Seagal, which will be known soon when my book comes out,” LeBrock told gossip website TMZ. [FoxNews]

Oooh, class-see, Kelly. I bet it’s a thrilling read too, full of insight into the human condition and the True Hollywood story behind Weird Science.  Oh, and then, like a typical woman, she played the rape card:

Amidst the accusations, LeBrock says she is trying to move forward from her own experience and finish her autobiography.

“I was constantly raped and abused my whole life,” she revealed.

When asked if she was claiming that Seagal ever raped her, LeBrock replied, “I had a life before Steven Seagal, and a life after him.  This book is not about Steven Seagal.  But good or bad, he is a part of my life.” [NYDailyNews]

Reporters continued to hound her for more information, and an exasperated LeBrock eventually revealed, “He blinded me with science!  And then he raped me.”