UPDATE: Yep, the article actually says ERIC Roth. I’m an idiot. Carry on.
All my life I’ve been dreaming of the day that the guy from Apocalypse Now and Lonesome Dove would finally get together with the dude from Cabin Fever and Hostel, and it seems that day is finally upon us. Hall, meet Oates.
Get Low star and executive producer Robert Duvall said during today’s junket that Crazy Heart director Scott Cooper recently met with Brad Pitt about directing The Hatfields and the McCoys for Warner Bros….if and when Pitt decides to clear a place in his schedule. An excellent script about the legendary family feud of the 1800s has been written by Eric Roth, Duvall said. Pitt’s Plan B would produce with Pitt playing “the main guy,” Duvall said. Duvall would costar, and T-Bone Burnett would do the music. [HollywoodElsewhere]
All this time, I think all that Eli Roth’s dialogue was missing was someone like Robert Duvall to deliver it with the full gravitas it was intended. (Gravitas.)
HARMON MCCOY: What’s that rifle for, Randolph?
RANDOLPH MCCOY: Killin’ Hatfields.
HARMON MCCOY: Why would you wanna kill Hatfields?
RANDOLPH MCCOY: I reckon ‘cuz they’re gay.
HARMON MCCOY: Randolph, don’t be a f*cking retard.
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You do realize the article says ERIC Roth, don’t you?
It’s ok Vince, I’m drunk at work too.
HEY LOOK OVER THERE!
*pushes Vince out window*
Saved ya, queerbo.
So how do we resolve this situation? I’m thinking an impromptu jerk circle
it’s ok vince al jews look alike
So… anybody know any good racist jokes?
Bex, I don’t even know if that counts as a dick-step or a dick-touch, but you gotta stop looking me in the eyes when we do that.
I, for one, really appreciate a good tribute to Gilda Radner. Huzzah sir, huzzah.
At least you didn’t glance over Eric thinking it was David Lee. That would be even more ZIBBITY BOP!
You know it’s not Eli Roth because he probably would have made up a story about the lead singer for Metallica and the dude from ‘Wanted’ being mortal enemies.
Wow Donk. Wow.
That’s the thing about Donk. He’ll dig deep for a great joke. Me? I just *fart noise*.
I think I bent my woookiee stretching for that one.
In summary, David Lee Roth and Tim Roth are both in negotiations to play Sephiroth in the next Final Fantasy flick. It’s a good thing I was here to uncluster this fuck.
An Eli Roth IRA grows tax-free, but never really appreciates in value.
Robert Duvall ages backwards until he becomes Zack Efron, hillbilly high school Romeo, caught in a feud with a legless Taylor Lautner (aging forwards), both vying for the hand of their sister, Miley Cyrus (aging inappropriately).