The first full trailer for Twilight Saga: Eclipse has hit the web, complete with Edward, Bella, Jacob, and the whole heartburn hearththrob gang, plus new director David Slade (30 Days of Night). I’m not sure about this guy yet. He may know how to shoot a vampire flick, but where are the shirtless ethnics? How am I supposed to get my p*ssy wet for abstinence with no shaved teens? Frankly, dude, this doesn’t make a lot of sense.
Here’s basically how it went down:
JACOB: I’m here to warn you.
BELLA: *looks like she has heartburn*
—
EDWARD: We’ve been tracking the situation in Seattle for a while. Unexplained disappearances, kilings.
BELLA: *looks like she has heartburn*
—
“AMANDUHH” GUY FROM CAN’T HARDLY WAIT: Someone’s creating an army.
EDWARD AND BELLA: *look like they have heartburn*
—
SOME CHICK: They’re coming here.
BELLA: *looks like she has heartburn*
—
Vampires and werewolves fight.
Dakota Fanning.
Fin.
[If the YouTube copy gets pulled, you can watch it over on Oprah with your chocolate and ten cats.]
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The Situation is in Seattle! YEAH!
Only a Twilight movie could make emo kids getting attacked by wolves hard to watch.
Why do vampires in Seattle drink blood? Because paying $6 for a coffee at Starbucks is ridiculous.
Everybody was CGI Fighting
[hii-ya!]
Those fags were pillow-biting
[huh!]
In fact it was a little bit frightening
[waa!]
How much they spent on Edward’s lighting.
This looks….good?
/Prepares for destruction.
//…nothing happens.
///”Well, I guess I’ll be alright aft*headshot*”
Well we do get to see fighting finally.
Also, why aren’t the evil vamps sparkling? Does their inner evil cause their sparkle to die?
It’s all the rain. Washes sparkles off :(
*drives by a pack of Twihards, cranks car stereo*
FAT BOTTOM GIRLS, YOU MAKE MY ROCKIN’ WORLD GO ‘ROUND!
Damn you, Donk- I was trying to think up a rhyme for “sphincter-tightening” and you stole it.
I think Jacob is the hairy-handed gent who ran amok in Kent. And Fred. And Larry.
Twi-hards tend to be Twi-flabbies from all the Twi-nkies.
“Many lives will be lost. Undead lives. Whatever. Fuck you.”
Raaawwr, I think I’m officially Team Jacob !
(that was a clip of Lost, right ?)
EDWARD: I challenge you to a game of vampire baseball.
JACOB: I challenge you to a game of teen wolf basketball.
EDWARD AND JACOB: *look like they have heartburn*
Oh god, does this mean you’re going to post another video of that British ogre screaming into the camera while watching the trailer? Just thinking about that last one makes my O-ring pucker.
Vampires in Seattle do not turn into bats because they don’t want to have any association whatsoever with the Mariners.
All this talk of teen wolves makes Michael J Fox nervous. He gets the shakes just thinking about it.
(hangs head in shame) See you in hell.
Oh my.
It’s cool Jess, I’m already going down for laughing at the Michael J Fox as Zorro on Family Guy.
You see? Little Red Riding Hood was never in any real danger, she’s the wrong gender to get jumped on by these big bad wolves.
This looks about as queer as when my uncle fucked me in the ass.