Note: This is an actual, undoctored banner image from Steven Seagal's official website
I knew I wasn’t going to be the first to get to this story about Steven Seagal “allegedly” using 23-year-old former employee Kayden Nguyen as “his sex toy”. (What does that even mean? Was he going to tie her around his wang while he choke ‘bates?). But sexy sex slave stories aside, I’d be derelict in my duties as both a blogger and a lover if I didn’t direct your attention to the following, easily most awesome part of the whole story:
Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other “attendants.” The suit did not specify what that reaction is.
Sweet mother of God. I don’t know if I want to speculate as to what this unique physiological reaction is, as there are so many options, and I guarantee the reality will trump them all. But as it is my duty to try to imagine things like this, perhaps sexual arousal makes Steven Seagal…
- Leave his cave to forage for berries?
- Involuntarily break into a spiel about his new line of organic, essential oils?
- Shout “BRUCE GREENWOOD!”
- Ejaculate grease from his ponytail?
- Inflate the fleshy pouch underneath his chin like a puffer fish?
- Squint super, super hard?
- Hit everyone with a pool-ball-filled bar towel?
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Until then, I think we all know what Miss Nguyen shouldn’t do according to Steven Seagal’s own advice. And that’s visit a therapist:
From the book Live From New York:
David Spade: [Seagal] didn’t want to go along with what the plan was that week, and as a result, I think that was the first week that I heard talk about replacing the host and just doing a cast show.
Julia Sweeney: When we pitched our ideas for Seagal at our Monday meeting, he gave us some of his own sketch ideas. And some of his sketch ideas were so heinous, but so hilariously awful, it was like we were on Candid Camera. He had this idea that he’s a therapist and he wanted Victoria Jackson to be his patient who’s just been raped. And the therapist says, “You’re going to have to come to me twice a week for like three years,” because, he said, “that’s how therapists f*cking are. They’re just trying to get your money.” And then he says that the psychiatrist tries to have sex with her.
Oh God, the rest of these banners are too good not to share:
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Steven Seagal: “I’m on a horse”!
I bet his belly button pops out and shoots a lint ball across the room killing a pigeon.
And can’t she get her uncle to attack him with birds?
His balls recess into his groin, only to re-emerge just above his penis.
David Carradine thinks Seagal is a sicko perv.
Upon arousal, Seagal’s wang acts like a compass and points him in the direction of the nearest buffet.
He craps himself when he ejaculates.
He changes into Rip Torn and gets sh#tfaced
Fucker lactates. Strawberry milk.
upon arousal, he screams “fuckin chuck norris!” and has to cut down his ponytail, because it grows at the rate of Hellboy’s horns
This is a FilmDrunkard’s Dream if I ever did see one…
He rapes a horse with his prehensile ponytail
Yelling “heee-yah!” and karate chopping her vagina isn’t really a physiological reaction so much as it a sex move called “The Seagal”
He magically has two tickets to that thing you love appear in his hand.
Then he slaps you open fisted across the mouth with said tickets.
There has to be a Panda around. That’s a must.
Inflate the fleshy pouch underneath his chin like a puffer fish?
Lucas must then immediately sue Seagal for copyright infringement. Therefore, his current financial troubles can be directly attributed to a ragin’ boner.
He farts the first three measures of Unchained Melody.
Ooh – I bet his biceps sprout little arms that flex to show off their biceps.
He ejaculates Lightning Bolt….the energy drink.
His nipples somehow squint.
Genital Migration.
His ponytail opens up to reveal an additional penis. This new penis then says “OH YEAH!” just like the Kool-Aid man.
When the erection is at it’s highest peek, he reaches inside his dick, bypasses the urethra, and pulls out the sperm from his testicles.Then blows the ejaculate in your eye to blind you.
I don’t have any idea, but I heard Isabella Rosselini is applying for an assistant position.
The head of his dick flips back like a pez dispenser and ejects a cum pellet.
Seagal for the Nguyen.
He unhinges his jaw, and a tiny Gary Busey head comes out of his mouth shouting “I CAN’T TAKE IT IN THERE ANYMORE!”
He puts on a kimono, shrinks down to about 3 inches tall, and sings the most beautiful song that anyone has ever heard, which summons Mothra.
All his pubes retract
He vomits black vile all over the room, but in order to keep people from freaking out he says, “It’s just mascara.”
He erupts in an uncontrollable (and dead-on) impression of Shemp snoring that lasts for about 12 minutes.
He turns into a walrus and bleats.
Kayden Nguyen is: Under Seag.
“It was not clear why Kayden Nguyen chose to file a civil lawsuit instead of a criminal complaint.”
Ye$, it i$ unclear. I like that she’s suing for “wrongful termination.” OMG, why are you firing me? Can I list you as a reference?
@le07–”All his pubes retract.”
And the sky is grey.
His pubic hair catches on fire.
As he gets an erection, the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays. When he takes off his pants, he reveals tiny simians shrieking at his penis.
P.S. He and his turtle tag-team a shoe.
/Possibly a “physiological reaction”; technically, not “unique.”
His dick grows a fingernail, which he then insists be chewed off by the sex slave.
Let’s just say, his “Quato” wakes up and screams at you for the longest 7 minutes of your life.
The marines from Iwo Jima raise his dong to 90 degrees until Clint Eastwood yells Cut.
His third nipple engorges with green tea until it becomes a full-on manboob.
His tongue lengthens proportionally to his erection.
The jurors in his trial better be prepared for a Gallagher-esque performance from the defendant.
His balls make a telltale clack clack noise as he chases you around screaming “Mutiny in the Booty, Mutiny in the Booty!”
He removes his skin to reveal that he’s actually a bear. He punches the victim of his desire in the face, and removes the bear skin to reveal that he’s actually Nic Cage.
Seagal’s HR department takes your harassment report and then politely requests a reacharound.
As he gets an erection, the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey
Meatballs plays.He very briefly, at the exact height of arousal, becomes a being of pure light. Incandescent, pure and blindingly beautiful. A dazzling spectrum of all forms of visible light and a faint, heart warming sound fills the room and swells until you are over come….and then he rips a wet one.
Nguyen didn’t call the police because Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans is a documentary.
Well, I don’t know how to use strikeout.
He ejaculates wacky wall crawlers and full is had by all.
He lays two eggs, a white one, and a black one. From the white egg, a phoenix hatches. No one knows what hatches from the black egg.
He pulls tiny metal baskets from his pores that are filled with tiny, perfectly cooked fried chicken.
When he cums, another dick pops out.
He peels a banana, only to reveal that the banana has already been cut into slices. Then he shows you how to do the trick with a needle and thread.
The whites of his eyes turn yellow. When asked about it, he responds, “I’ve really gotta pee.”
He sparkles.
And then ruins your felt womb.
His testicles swirl like Chinese stress balls until he splooges a yin-yang symbol.
He yells “Say it. Out loud, say it” then stares at you super intensely until you sing the theme song from “The Monkees.”
His skin turns every color you can imagine, and he must conceal himself because he fears that hunters will try to turn his hide into a coat for reproductions of a biblical tale.
He turns Japanese.
He vomits a ball of glitter, which hovers mid-air until it slowly disperses.
He is briefly granted the ability to levitate.
He unzips his chest to reveal that he is actually just a chimpanzee with a bulldog, and that you’re on a Japanese reality show.
He confuses Kabuki with bukakke and puts on a hell of a show.
He takes off his shirt, becomes translucent, and the food in his stomach swirls until it spells out “I have a boner.”
He’s a narcoleptic, so he immediately falls asleep and dreams about eating the giant rack of ribs that tipped Fred Flintstone’s car over.
A panel in his stomach opens up to reveal Krang, the big pink brain who was a minor villain in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon series.
He hits a cow’s arse with a banjo.
This Nguyen chick, any relation to the Birdemic fella?
Little flags that say “BANG!” shoot out of both ears.
His left testicle roars.
He morphs into Jean Claude Van Dam and does that crazy split thing in his underwear…then promptly shits them.
He turns into Popeye.
I think he’ll get away with it. Because I’m sure 80% of it was a body double, anyway.
this will be made in to a movie and will be directed by j. nguyen and it will be called birdemic 2: attack of the seagull
His penis detaches, goes to the airport, flies to Thailand where it breaks David Carradine’s neck, puts fishnets on the corpse and hangs it in a closet by the neck to make it look like an autoerotic asphixiation mishap.
The unique reaction is that his penis removes it’s shaded monocle to wink at you, then it slowly takes off the kimono.
Captain Planet is summoned.
Steven Seagal is “Hard to Cum”
Seagal refers to fellatio as Fire Down Below.
He suddenly turns in a good actor.
He turns blue, the end of his ponytail opens to reveal tentacles, and then it tries to fuck a tree.
And it all happens in 3-D!!!!!
When nearing the climatic height of ecstasy he starts screaming out for that which will fully get him over the edge “Throw your best chops, right to my mouth!!!”
Of course he don’t mean Karate Chops, he wants Pork chops…..