Satire is obsolete. After a Candyland, Battleship, Risk, Bazooka Joe, Asteroids, View-Master, Ouija Board, etc. movie, there is literally no property left to joke about without the high probability that it’s actually in some stage of development. And now, a Magic 8-Ball movie. This news makes me want to use a baby as a magic eight ball. Will you ever stop crying? *shake shake shake*
Paramount Pictures has decided audiences are finally ready to embrace the Zen simplicity that is Magic 8 Ball: The Motion Picture.
Universal is gone, and now Paramount has assigned as producer its former production chief, Brad Weston. The Paramount plan, we hear, is to turn Magic 8 Ball into a sort of live-action National Treasure–style action-adventure movie. Weston has hired non-clairvoyant screenwriters Jon Gunn and John Mann to fashion a script; the pair have been busy writing DreamWorks Animation’s Boo U., a film about a ghost who — ineffective at haunting the living — is sent back to school to learn how to become a more frightening specter. [Vulture]
Let’s think about this: The entire concept of the Magic 8-Ball toy is essentially a fancy pair of dice. You mean to tell me that Hasbro is so f*cking bankrupt of ideas that they can’t come up with a better idea THAN F*CKING DICE?? That their BEST IDEA is to spend TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS on a fancy commercial for THE MAGIC F*CKING 8-BALL? This is mind boggling. Not just that something like this can actually happen, but that the guy who came up with it wasn’t instantly strung up by his feet and hit repeatedly in the testicles like a piñata. The only magic 8-balls I want to see are the ones Quentin Tarantino snorts to give him his awesome ideas.
QUENTIN: Dear Magic 8-Ball, will the wizard appear tonight? *snort*
WIZARD: Signs point to yes. Also, listen to this rockin’ jam I just recorded. No one else can hear it but you, because you are the coolest.
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Simpsons did it!
They spoofed a Tic Tac Toe movie on Sunday night’s episode.
You never get the right answer out of those Magic 8-Balls, and if you’re Michael J. Fox, you don’t get one at all.
They’ve already done Twister…
Magic Eight Ball, shouldn’t this movie be in the hands of Michael Bay?
“As I see it, yes.”
Well, if this movie isn’t going to be about my favorite childhood toy…
*Sunglasses*
I’m just going to Skip-It™
YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*steps on Skip-It, turns ankle and busts chin on sidewalk*
Magic Eight Ball, is this movie going to suck?
“Better not tell you now.”
Why, because you want it to get green-lit?
“Concentrate and ask again.”
That Magic 8 Ball was a liar because when I asked if I would have sex with my high school crush, it said no, but we had sex alright. She may have not remembered because she passed out, but we did.
Pauly D, are you sure you didn’t ask the Magic Eight Ball if you SHOULD have sex with your crush?
If Ridley Scott ends up directing this then it will probably be a nightmare of ambiguously worded omens
I’m going to love this movie intensely for 20 minutes, then forget about it until I find it ten years later while going through some old shit and eventually take it back to college and turn it into a bong.
I kind of wish Vince had gone with yesterday’s “Ring in 3D” post-format and had a bunch of naked Paramount execs sitting in the sauna with their magic eight balls for a “concept meeting.”
Samuel L. Jackson will play the title role, and his answer to every question will be “Bad Motherfucker.”
The greenlighting of this idea answers the timeless question, what happens if you drink the liquid in a Magic 8-Ball?
Magic 8-Ball is what Robert Pattinson calls having 3 friends over.
“…to become a more frightening specter.”
I swear I read specter as sphincter. I blame all of you.
*snorts line*
Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok LISTEN UP!
The fucking eight ball… are you getting THIS?! Yeah, so the fucking eight ball is caught up in a war he doesn’t understand. This war has been going on for so long that nobody. Even. Fucking. Knows. Why. They’re. Fighting. Anymore, right?
Ok ok ok ok ok so the Eight ball is kinda your average stuck-in-the-middle kinda guy, YOU TRY to get a straight answer outta him and he gets vague on you [Sniff]. You ready for this shit? The two warring factions are the stripes and the solids. BAM, MOTHERFUCKER! And the best part, they’re both getting played by these straight-stick motherfuckers who call themselves Q’s and they don’t even fucking know it! Well..COME ON, THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT, SID!… well anyway he’s this total badass that the Qs don’t want to mess with until the end, but when he realizes they set him up to play him against the seven and the twelve, he goes off-the-rails apeshit on ‘em and everybody ends up outlined in chalk.
IT’S A METAPHOR!
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER POCKET!
As ludicrous as this movie sounds, they should at least have the decency to give out complementary eight ball drank when you enter the theater at any showing. I don’t care if its toxic, I’m thirsty and toxicity never stopped me from buying synergistic consumer products or smelling gasoline fresh from the nozzle.
Massive Ape Balls > Magic 8 Ball
How fitting that there is a SATC 2 banner ad attached to this piece of shite.
Donk, I heart you so fucking hard right now.
Hasbro’s not spending a penny. Paramount’s the one paying Hasbro the license fees. So pffffftthhbbbbpppp!