Schwartzenegger-ice-cream-commando-Vaughn

Released in 1985, Commando is indisputably the high-water mark of 80s action movies.  Arnold Schwarzenegger fed deer with his daughter, jumped out of moving jets, used rose bushes for cover against sub machine gun fire*, chopped people’s arms off, and said things like, “You’ll have to excuse my friend; he’s dead tired.” (see for yourself below)commando-Schwartzeneggerfeeddeer

You can’t remake a movie like that.  I mean, you can, and there have been at least 30 movies with the same basic plot since then, but what makes Commando Commando is that it’s so 80s.  So Arnold.  Uh oh, you guys, here comes Fox.  Nobody acknowledge him.  Aw crap, he sees us.

20th Century Fox is going Commando again, setting David Ayer to write and direct a reboot of the 1985 film.  Ayer is the former Navy soldier [sic] who wrote Training Day and moved into directing with the dark dramas Harsh Times and Street Kings. He will put his own real-world spin on this original premise: a retired elite special forces operative sees his daughter kidnapped and is told she’ll die unless he gets on a plane and kills the rival of a nasty exiled dictator. In the original, Schwarzenegger jumped off the plane before takeoff, and killed everyone involved in the kidnap plot, in a real beefcake turn that followed Terminator. Ayer’s protagonist will be less brawny, but more skilled in covert tactics and weaponry. [Deadline]

Well sure, who could forget Street Kings?  The main problem is that Commando is all Arnold, and there are no Arnolds anymore.  Who’d play the lead?  Channing Tatum?  “Eh yo, y’all gah give shorty back, nah mean?  I ain’t even playin’.”   I’m serious about this.  I will take a baby deer down to Fox headquarters and light us both on fire in protest like a Buddhist monk.  Then Arnold Schwartzenegger could walk by and say, “Eet looks like dees moovie vass… very deer to hees heart.”

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s Arnold’s most badass character?

*Ufford was a Marine, and he says that totally works.