Plot of Furry Vengeance recreated through scathing review quotes

Brendan Fraser’s new movie, Furry Vengeance, opens today, and some poor critics were actually forced to see it.  As if that weren’t bad enough, they actually had to report what they saw instead of just cupping their hand under their armpit to make a fart sound like a normal person.  Here’s what the black boxes recorded as their burning plane hurtled towards the Earth.  NEVER FORGET.

In “Furry Vengeance,” Fraser plays a father, Dan Sanders, a doughy, goofy, run-of-the-mill ecological hypocrite who has moved his family from Chicago to the Oregon woods, assigned to oversee construction on behalf of his screechy capitalist boss .  [AP/EntertainmentWeekly]

This family-oriented comedy celebrates small animals in the wild (yay!) who join tiny paws to thwart the schemes of a greedy real estate developer (boo!) who’s attempting to tear up a nice green forest and turn it into a tacky, beige housing development (hiss!). [EntertainmentWeekly]

Think Home Alone in the forest. [USA Today]

The ubiquitous Ken Jeong turns up in a vaguely racist role as Fraser’s “comically” accented boss… [NY Post]

Neal Lyman — get it? Lie Man, who lapses into high-pitched gibberish when English language humor fails. There are other racist undertones, including slurs confusing Native Americans and Indians. [USA Today]

The company touts itself as a “green company.” In truth, it’s nothing of the sort. They happily explode beaver dams and trample through pristine forest to lay down pavement and a shopping mall. [AP]

The cuddly woodland creatures that live in that forest aren’t exactly in favor of the proposal. So they form their own preservation posse and pool their resources — acorns, boulders, a surprising deftness for hot-wiring cars — to unleash all manner of Animal Planet fury on Dan.  [WashingtonPost]

A raccoon is their ringleader with ferrets, vultures, squirrels and skunks ready to pitch in. [OrlandoSentinel]

One of Dan’s tormentors is a lovely pied crow, which last time I checked (just now, on Google) is native to Africa. [BostonGlobe]

They communicate with little thought-balloons. [OrlandoSentinel]

We know the animals are good at this sort of thing, because the movie starts with their dispatching of the man Neal originally wanted for the job (Rob Riggle, in a cameo), knocking him and his sports car off a cliff with a boulder.   As if to soften things, Riggle’s character is heard to mutter, “I quit,” after the fall, presumably from the bottom of the cliff. Or maybe from hell, I don’t know. [AZ Central]

The story progresses from bird attacks and stinky skunk shenanigans to a chase scene with bear and undies that concludes, after a fashion, with Fraser dangling from a tree in an upended portable toilet.   [SF Chronicle]

In one scene, Fraser gets blasted in the crotch with a gushing garden hose. In another, an angry raccoon bites him in the crotch. In a third, Fraser straddles the peaked roof of his exurban home while chasing a pesky crow, then slips and falls, totally nailing himself in the . . . [WashingtonPost]

Water. Coffee. Fangs. Power window. Peaked roof. Leech. You name it: If it’s hot, wet, pointy or painful, it lands in Fraser’s no-no zone. [SF Chronicle]

He gets blasted with skunk juice. He gets carjacked by a wily raccoon…   [WashingtonPost]

…bee stings to the eyes, raccoon pee in the mouth… [EntertainmentWeekly]

…assaulted by a South African condor (!)… [Boston Globe]

(Did I mention that Fraser starred in the excellent “Gods and Monsters“? That’s a fact that may slip your mind while you watch him jostle around, unpantsed, inside a flying potty.)   [WashingtonPost]

“I need to remove a leech from my no-no zone.”  [OrlandoSentinal]

…birds that dive-bomb and defecate everywhere… [USA Today]

A bit player exaggerates his Mexican accent, and the Korean American doctor-turned-comic Jeong bursts into shrill, sing-songy Korean chatter on his cell-phone. [ChicagoTribune]

Eventually, the forest animals are locked up in a Guantanamo Bay-like prison.  [AP]

(never have God’s creatures looked less lifelike while dancing to Chic’s “Le Freak”) [WashingtonPost]

It’s refreshing that the animals don’t talk. That’s a nice, rare show of restraint on the part of director [EntertainmentWeekly]

Dan’s own money-hungry boss curses the pseudo environmentalists who live green “only when convenient.” Dan, who drives an SUV hybrid, very much falls into that category. He barely survives before learning that it’s not always easy to be eco-friendly. [AP]

MESSAGE!

Director Roger Kumble busied himself with an elaborate closing credits music video with the cast mugging a lip-synced cover of “Insane in the Membrane.”   [OrlandoSentinal]

So there you have it.  It’s currently tracking 0% recommended among the top critics on RottenTomatoes.  I think that’s a new record.