While Hollywood’s busy buying the rights to this jagoff‘s stupid how-to books about a robot uprising, genuine potential blockbusters slide by right underneath their noses like so much lines of cocaine. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if any book deserves to be a movie, it’s Malcolm Brenner’s new book about his nine-month “emotional and sexual relationship” with a dolphin.
In 1971, Malcolm Brenner says he began a nine-month emotional and sexual relationship with a dolphin named Ruby. His passionate, real-life romance with the marine mammal is the basis for his new novel, Wet Goddess: Recollections Of A Dolphin Lover (Brenner).
Brenner met the sea seductress while taking photos of Ruby for a Florida [OF COURSE] amusement park and things escalated from there. He says the dolphin would nuzzle, flirt, and dance for him in the water, making it known that she wanted something more than friendship. The constant “come-ons” led Brenner to look at Ruby as a person. At the dolphin’s suggestion they got physical and engaged in sex, an experience he calls “phenomenal.”
Brenner says a relationship with a dolphin is hard because they’re clingy and “require attention 24/7.” Since his tryst with Ruby, he’s never loved another. [FlashNews]
“I would say it’s sort of like Romeo and Juliet. Instead in this book, Juliet is a 400 pound marine mammal,” he said.
Brenner says he only printed 50 copies of his book. He’s now trying to figure out how many copies he can print for the second edition. [NBC2]
“Hey, man, it was the 70s. We were all a bunch of crazy kids back then. It was all free love and dolphin f*ckin and Studio 54, maaan.” Oh God, please tell me he used the blowhole. If you effed a dolphin and didn’t use the blowhole, it just seems like it’d just be a waste. I think we all know he’s going to need a lot more than 50 copies. How about a million? How about 50 million? In fact, I hear Joel Osteen‘s already trying to capitalize on the Dolphin love craze. As for me personally, I think the main drawback would be that dolphins are said to be very intelligent. I’d much prefer something lithe, but dumb and flighty with daddy issues, like a gazelle, the struggling actresses of the animal kingdom. Oh, Florida. Don’t ever change, baby.
RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Would you watch a movie about man-on-dolphin sex?
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FLORIDA, SON, WHAT!
And Howard Stern said there would never be another movie role for Gabby Sidibe.
He turned a dolphin into a sperm whale!
All he had to hear was “blow hole”
His penis accidentally slipped into the dolphin. He didn’t do it on porpoise.
I prefer Navy Seals
Flipper? I hardly knew her!
He enticed it with a chocolate starfish.
He came faster than lighting.
I prefer whale tail.
Well, now we have our porno premise for the knock off of ‘The Cove’.
He was just trying to fuck the tuna, officer, honest.
Killer whales make for killer orcasms!
Coming all over a dolphin’s back is called “Dorsal Finishing”.
This is a change from the old term of “Chad Penningtoning”.
It’s just that the dolphin reminded him of his ex-girlfriend. Good ol’ Bottlenose Betty.
LEATHER & LACE, DAN!
Nharwal looks ready to effing GO brother! Woo.
Goddamit Chelle, I was right about to make a Narwhal joke. Fuck you, I still will.
Dolphins are easy lovers, unlike those bastard Narwhals.
Something tells me he confused slipping into a pool with a big red dot on your weiner and making a “boop” when she touches it for lurve. It happens.
I FUCKING LOVE NARWHAL
Usually people like it when their girlfriends wear fishnets.
If he had just waited a year longer, he could have fucked an undefeated dolphin.
I bet he took her to all the really hot seal clubs
*logs into Dolphinfucker.net chat room*
Hey baby, Age/Sex/Echolocation?
It makes it tougher to get aroused when you can blatantly see the condom over the beak of the bottlenose as it’s pounding his sweet little backside. Who’s with me?
The problem with fucking a dolphin is that the vagina and the anus are in the same hole. Also, you’re fucking a dolphin.
My wife Flikka
Christ, I take one a ten-minute phone call and the Drunkettes clean up all the jokes like someone coated them in peanut butter.
Later, marine biologists would discover they hadn’t said “So long, and thanks for all the fish,” but “So long, and thanks for all the tits.”
I bet he had to helicopter his dong like a boat propellor to get her attention.
The constant “come-ons” led Brenner to look at Ruby as a person. At the dolphin’s suggestion they got physical
Remember, no means no, but “eek eek eeek” means yes.
Cetologists refer to receiving oral sex as “gettin’ some melon”
I hope she used the Today SpongeBob
And now we know the real reason Jonathan Brandis killed himself: The dolphin wouldn’t return his phone calls.
Note: the melon is the organ that dolphins use for echolocation
…..Nick Buonticonti
Japan heard about this story and yawned.
The Japs have been stabbin’ dolphins for years.
Screw this one guy, one dolphin shit. I want some bukakkeekeekeek.
O Hai, Jirish!!
I heard she gave him crabs.
Now we know the real reason Paikea rode a whale in to the sea: his dick was stuck.
Now we know the real reason he pulled Dawn Brancheau under: Bitch didn’t have his sammich made.
Listen, I used to jerk off to Sega Genesis games too, but never Ecco.
Now we know the real reason they freed Willy: so he wouldn’t press charges.
I humped and dumped by a dolphin. Fuck you, Dan Marino!
She was HarPooooned.
(These are whale jokes but I think I hit my limit of dolphin specific jokes.)
If you get tired of her being on top, just flipper over.
The only reason the Japs stopped fucking dolphins is because they invented a robot dolphin. Robot dolphins don’t mind being harpooned so much.
She doesn’t like to be motorboated.
(Loving a robot dolphin means never having to say you’re sorry.)
I hope his dick didn’t get the bends
After their relationship ended, all he could do for sexual gratification from there was to rub his genitals on the ankle tattoos of hippie girls everywhere.
School and work kicking my ass, slow down!
He’s bringing sexy humpback.
He tried to slap her ass during sex but hit the water and had to call an ambulance after she performed a double flip.
But Mom, a trombone can’t help but get rusty underwater.
After they’d fuck, they would like in (sea)bed together and smoke Dorsals. The menthol calmed him.
*swims out toward the barrier*
At least they never had to fight about who had to sleep in the wet spot…
I think this story is a fluke.
When Malcolm wasn’t around, the slutty dolphin got eaten by a shark.
Fortunately Malcolm has found companionship with his new RealDollphin
At the dolphin’s suggestion they got physical and engaged in sex
That’s strange, every time I ask a dolphin for sex, she tells me “not tonight, I have a haddock.”
Working Title: The Little Mermaid 2.
Has the IOC asked Michael Phelps for a DNA test yet? This would explain both the gold medals and his propensity for bong hits.
None of Malcolms friends knew what the hell he was talking about when he told them he got his “Red Flippers”
He must have actually been wearing beer goggles.
I thought there already was a movie about some perv screwing a 400 lb beast, it was called Precious.
Oh, wait, that was a land beast, my bad.
Smells like fish, but taste like fish.
And you’d thing the octopus would be the one that was clingy.
The Tiger Shark lost his endorsements when he got caught banging this dolphin.
I’d have to be drunk to fuck a cow like that.
Keep fuckin’ that chicken of the sea!
I fucked a sea creature, but it wasnt on porpoise.
What sucks about getting a blowhole job from a dolphin is that they always spit.
Sometimes she just takes the ‘bate.
This guy was so popular with lady sea mammals in the 70s that his nickname was The Mackerel Daddy.
The Rough-toothed dolphin is the last mammal you want around your dick.
Once they had that phenomenal sex, she was hooked.
Big deal, I’ve nailed plenty of Tri Delts in my day.
*puts on Cocks hat, tucks in front of Abercrombie shirt*
Radio interview with the guy…
[www.fm99.com]
“she came on to me.”
Good stuff.
I’m into the Hourglass Dolphin’s figure.
Sorry about the dick step, Chino. Although, since you dont have a dick, I guess clit step?
I love those swim up bars too.
NOT THE TEETH, NOT THE TEETH. GODDAMN IT RUBY!
She wanted oral, but he wouldn’t do it because she smelt.