Mickey-Rourke-IronMan2

Like porn and pleasing me sexually, the entertainment industry is an area in which kissing ass really does pay.  One person who seems to do little BESIDES kissing ass is Pete Hammond, Hollywood.com BoxOffice.com’s movie reviewer who used to work for Maxim and also blogs for the LA Times.  You can often find his quotes shouting at you from the covers of crappy movies like Old Dogs, and The Proposal. He’s arguably the most-quoted critic in Hollywood.  Is that because he’s a respected authority who provides compelling critiques and thoughtful analysis?  Of course not.  It’s because his reviews consist of little more than blatant attempts to be quoted.  You can practically smell the desperation through the computer.

He recently wrote an Iron Man 2 review, and I thought it’d be fun to see if we can identify each specific instance of his blatant quote whoring (hint: it won’t be hard because I’ve put them in bold).  Let’s begin.hammond_pete

Let the summer begin! Iron Man 2, the sequel to 2008’s Marvel blockbuster (grossed over $570 million worldwide), is a sensational way to give the season a kick start…
…It may not be in 3D but look for this 2nd visit to Marvel’s latest cash cow to top the original, not only for ratcheted up action, excitement and pure movie fun but also at the box office and beyond.
As he was the first time around, Downey Jr. is the man!
As one of the new villains, Johansson oozes sex appeal and shows she has a natural flair for martial arts.  Meanwhile the tattooed and imposing Rourke is a hoot with thick Russian accent and a penchant for pet birds. Best of all is Rockwell who plays the low-rent rival of Stark to the hilt, particularly in the opening Senate hearing where he tries to unsuccessfully squash his arrogant competitor.
Fans of the first will not be bored. This Iron Man may not be the Godfather II of comic book movie sequels critics hope for but it is a complete blast anyway.

You can read the review in its entirety here, though I can’t imagine why you’d want to.  It’s not even a review, really, just pure drivel interspersed with attempts at self promotion.  Since I can’t help it, let’s break some of this down:

“A sensational way to give the season a kick start…”

Uh.. You mean, a sensational way to kick start the season?

“Look for this 2nd visit to Marvel’s latest cash cow…”

Is that what you do with a cash cow?  You just visit it?  You don’t even have to milk it or anything?

“Look for [it] to top the original, not only for ratcheted up action…”

Since it’s already topping the original, the “ratcheted-up” aspect is already implied, isn’t it?  And if it’s topping the first for “ratcheted-up action,” what was the first’s action ratcheted-up from? Wouldn’t it just be topping the first for “action?” I suppose that wouldn’t sound as good on the poster.  I just love meaningless marketing speak.  “A new and improved version of the Dyson extreme vaccuum cleaner that tops the first for increased sucking action!”

“…excitement and pure movie fun but also at the box office and beyond.”

Tell me, what would this “beyond” consist of?  You say it will top the original for action, excitement, fun, box office, and… beyond?  Well that’s just kind of cryptic and scary, isn’t it?  Will Iron Man 2 clean my house?  Will it be a gentle lover?  Will it prove that there is indeed a more effective way to chop vegetables?  I hope you’re covering this in your next post, Mr. Hammond, because I for one am intrigued.

So, uh… anyway, that’s why that guy is an assh*le. 

*dusts off hands, prepares Lunchable*