lastsong-Raptor

I just invented a new game, you guys.  Here’s how you play: Take a movie none of us are going to see (The Last Song, adapted from the Nicholas Sparks novel, starring Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth, and Greg Kinnear), then, try to recreate the plot using only exposition from the horrible reviews it’s getting.  Ready?  Let’s go!

Kinnear’s character, we’re told, fell asleep at the chapel piano one night and may have caused a painful fire, so he’s living with guilt and secrets and struggling to re-engage with Ronnie. -Chicago Tribune

Ronnie never misses an opportunity to make dad feel bad for splitting up with her mom (Kelly Preston). She’s so spiteful that she hasn’t touched a piano in years and refuses to attend Juilliard, which has accepted her on the basis of her reputation. -Boston Globe

…despite the concerns of her mother that Ronnie barely graduated high school and “failed her SATs.” -USA Today

She’s still smarting from her parents’ divorce and nursing a major attitude. This means ignoring her acceptance to Juilliard, and befriending kids who spend all night partying under the boardwalk. -NYDailyNews

She does this on an idyllic island paradise off Savannah, Georgia, where her dad is a classical composer whose pastime is restoring stained-glass windows.  She blames her dad for the divorce, is sullen and withdrawn. Ten minutes after she hits the beach (dressed in Gothic black), her milk shake is spilled by a flying volleyball player named Will (Liam Hemsworth). -Roger Ebert

In addition to the terminal illness (signaled by a telltale cough around the movie’s midpoint), there is a church fire that Ronnie’s dad is believed to have started, a wayward friend with a bad boyfriend, another friend with a dead brother, a nest of sea turtle eggs menaced by a raccoon, and a romance — did I mention it was star-crossed? -NY Times

Two things soften Ronnie’s hard shell. She discovers a sea turtle nest and vows to protect it from raccoons. And she meets a boy. -Detroit Free Press

Though a blond ex-girlfriend and the hero’s snobbish mother try to split them, we know they’ve bonded over her trying to help sea turtles hatch on the beach. -NY Post

Sadly, none of the critics had the balls to reveal the ending.  After all the raccoons, sea turtles, beach volleyball, and church fires, I’m guessing the only way to tie everything together would be for Ronnie to fight a giant spider in the third act.