(This is neither here nor there, I just thought it was kind of cute. Makes a good dentist office poster.)
You know the drill folks, none of these stories are getting their own post. Instead it’s the FilmDrunk Fart Lightning Round.
Jason Segel will star in the Muppet movie he wrote with Nick Stoller. “The Greatest Muppet Movie of All Time, as it’s now known, centers on a man, his girlfriend, and the man’s life-long, brown puppet best friend who aim to reunite the old Muppets gang and band together to save the TV studio where the original show was shot.“ Set to be directed by James Bobin, sources say it will be different from previous Muppet movies in that all the humor will be derived from Jason Segel’s bare penis. |THR, ThePlaylist|
Fandango is going paperless. Now, instead of printing out your ticket, you can just have the ticket-guy scan the bar code directly off that thing you plan to text on the whole f*cking movie. And if someone tells you to stop, just have your friends stab them with a meat thermometer, this is America. |TechCrunch|
Dakota Goyo will play the kid in Real Steel, the robot boxing movie. Surprise, he’s a fruity-looking hair farmer. If he and Dakota Fanning got married, she’d be Dakota Goyo. And he’d still look like a lesbian. Haha, I love you, cruel teasing of innocent children. |THR|
Gabourey Sidibe is getting pulled in opposite directions, by the “National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance” (NAAFA) who want to use her as an example that “heavy people aren’t necessarily unhealthy”, and by weight loss groups who want to help her fight the obesity epidemic. It’s sad, she really reminds me of this girl I knew in high school who had AIDS and two babies and couldn’t read. |TMZ, TMZ|
(I stole that last joke from @jdoubledecker’s live tweet of Precious. His fellow live tweefer @joekingispretty has a show tonight at the Irvine Improv)
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![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Lee-Daniels-Scream-fight-150x150.jpg)
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If Segel’s singing Dracula Muppet isn’t in that movie, I’m out.
Shouldn’t the acronym for the National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance be (Mmmmm)?
I have a question about the Fandango thing.
What if I don’t have a cell phone?
I have a question about the Fandango thing.
What if I don’t go to the movies?
Heavy people aren’t necessarily unhealthy. They can do everything that us skinny people can do. Unless you take away their Rascals.
The bar code scanning technology is available at the Manville 12-Plex, which sounds like a place that would appreciate the song Kick-Ass.
Hahaha, everybody knows Dakota is a girl’s name! What a F-ing pussy!
*looks around nervously*
Gabourey Sidibe is getting pulled in opposite directions
Unfortunately, neither tugboat is making any progress.
“Heavy people AREN’T necessarily unhealthy.” said John Candy, Chris Farley, Dom Deluise, Marlon Brando, and John Belushi.
Is it me or does Gabourey Sidibe’s head look like the boulder that chased Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Gabourey Sidibe is getting pulled in opposite directions
What that article omits is the substantial pull* she now has in Hollywood
*gravitational
When reached for comment about costar Gabourey Sidibe’s situation, Monique called it “A hairy one”.
Is it me or does Gabourey Sidibe’s head look like the boulder that chased Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark?
I’ve always thought she looks more like a grape that’s allergic to bee stings.
“NAAFA!” is what I yell, with a mouthful of food, when people suggest I should diet.
I have a question about the Fandango thing.
What if my cell phone wallpaper is a picture of my genitals ‘accidentally’ peeking out through the back of my crossed legs…can I give the under-aged ticket girl a peek before she scans?
“heavy people aren’t necessarily unhealthy”
Those pricks that model for P90X and Bowflex are unnecessarily healthy.
*cuts line of cheeto dust, snorts line through hollowed out twinkie*
Hey, Marlon Brando lived to be like 80, while Farley and Belushi were drug-related. John Candy was just too good for this world
Shouldn’t Mika be starring with his “life-long, brown puppet best friend”?
…a man, his girlfriend, and the man’s life-long, brown puppet best friend
So just because Jason Segel can get his arm into Jonah Hill up to his watch, they’re referring to him as a puppet now?
Gabourey’s weight is only the business of herself and her pallbearers.
Obesity doesn’t kill you… no one dies from being too fat, it is the side effects from being over weight. It is like many diseases, cigarettes don’t kill you, it is their side effects. No one dies from AIDS, you die from other diseases that your weakened immune system can’t fight off.
I don’t think someone who always appears greasier than the bottom of a deep fryer is necessarily the poster child for “it’s okay to be fat”.
Gabourey Sidibe. Answering the question, “What would Kerry Washington look like if she ate Michael Chiklis?”
@theend,
You’re right, you die from complications due to AIDS. Such as butt-fucking other dudes, using Crappy’s old needles, and stealing Pauly’s chimichangas.
heen, if you want to get technical, the only thing that people die from is a lack of blood to the brain.
But morbidly obese people are much more likely to have their blood stop flowing to their brain than the rest of us.
This will be an epic battle about ‘healthy weight’ and unfortunately, NAAFA can’t win. Two things will come from this:
1. She looses weight and proves she wasn’t really happy with her size.
2. She dies in a few years and everyone sees the effects of being morbidly obese.
Gabourey Sidibe is a few pies away from needing a removable wall in her house and a chauffeured forklift to take her to and from all of the acting gigs she’s surely going to be getting.
Good point Jack… very good point…
*ties one one end of pink scarf to closet door-knob*
Its hard for Gabourey to keep weight off because she finds almost everything Delicious….Based on a Sandwich by Subway
Moose, why would she need a forklift? That seems to be one thing that’s she’s good at on her own.
Is it me or does Gabourey Sidibe’s head look like the boulder that chased Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark?
It’s you. She looks like Zardoz.
Gabourey Sidibe’s next job in show business will be as the night-time backdrop for stage productions.
“heavy people aren’t necessarily unhealthy”
Of course not. That’s why the medical definition for their condition is “festively plump”.
…a man, his girlfriend, and the man’s life-long, brown puppet best friend
PUT ON YOUR DANCIN’ SHOES, SUGARTITS! WE’RE SAVING THE REC CENTER! NOT GONZO, THOUGH. HOOKNOSE JESUS KILLER!!!
If she does lose a lot of weight, she’ll have so much excess skin that she’ll be able glide short distances like a flying squirrel.
She is also requesting that her agent find her a nice place out by the desert. It’s really the only place one can enjoy a nice sail barge cruise
I can’t believe I didn’t post this earlier.
a man … and the man’s life-long, brown puppet best friend
Man: It ain’t easy being white
Puppet: It ain’t easy being brown
Man: All this pressure to be bright
Puppet: I got children all over town!
Nice call, Jack.
I DON’T WANT NO PART’A YO TIGHT-ASS COUNTRY CLUB, YA FREAK BITCH