Expendables-Schhwarzenegger

Holy crap, I can’t wait for The Expendables.  Sylvester Stallone leads a super ripped, super old team of outlaw mercenaries (the Ben Gay Team, say) on a suicide mission.  And this time, it’s personal, because they have to save some bitch they just met.  Here’s RoboPanda’s earlier breakdown:

  • Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
  • Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
  • Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
  • Jet Li plays Bao Thao. [Clearly the grown-up version of the kid Clint Eastwood taught to be a man in Gran Torino]
  • Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on.  Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”?  You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
  • Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar.  Wait, “Hale Caesar”?  Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
  • Steve Austin plays ”Dan Paine” (Pain?  Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s’s’s’s bodyguard.
  • Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”.  Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.

And of course, the trailer includes cameos from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.  Will there be a cheesy butt-rock soundtrack?  Let me put it this way: yes.  This movie is so manly it will grow hair on your chest then shave it off to look more ripped.

My favorite part was the E. Honda-style flying headbutt.  I’ve been in a few fights and let me tell you, that sh*t always works.

Expendables-Stallone Expendables-FlyingHeadbutt