Comments of the week time again, folks. For today’s winner, I’ve got a copy of Capitalism: A Love Story on DVD to give away. It releases on DVD and Blu-Ray this TUESDAY, MARCH 9th. Check it out, because they give me free stuff, and I like that. Anyway, I love a good George Lucas joke, and in George Lucas Has an Idea for Indy 5, CROOOOW delivers:
CROOOOW! says:
KALIMAH, KALIMAH!
*Lucas pulls a sandwich out of his fridge*
Simple. Brilliant. And a close runner up, Mark it Zero’s sublime impression of R. Lee Ermey in the Eyes Wide Shut post:
TODAY ON MAIL CALL, YOU SLACK-JAWED FAGGOTS WANTED TO SEE HOW A HAND GRENADE WORKS. WELL, BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELTS AND CUP YOUR BALLS. THAT OVER THERE IS A CORN-FED HOG STRAIGHT FROM KENTUCKY.
*pulls pin, lobs grenade*
THREE, TWO, BACON! HOOOOOOOOOOO RAAHHHHHHH!
Apparently I have a thing for all caps. And then there’s Michelle07. From Ja Rule is Doin Great:
Michelle07 says: There’s a pretty serious lack of necks in that there movie. Maybe Omarion has them in his hat. Seriously, how is that thing stuck on his head. This is a mystery movie.
4. From White Dog the Racist Dog, this one might require some knowledge of Howard Stern, but it was funny to me.
Stinky Peet says: Howard Stern is gonna have white racist dog star in a show on Sirius called The Spaniel Carver Hour.
5. Speaking of dogs, Jacktion! went canine in The Hurt Locker Smear Campaign:
Lassie: *bark*
Jacktion!: What’s is it, girl? Is Timmy stuck in a well again?
Lassie: *bark* *bark* *bark* *bark*
Jacktion!: Oh, I’m sorry. You thought Avatar was overly simplistic, making up in preachiness what it lacked in complexity?
Lassie: *bark* *bark* *bark*
Jacktion!: Yes, I bet it was frustrating to be unable to chase those giant cats.
6. Sometimes I think I reference Channing Tatum just to provoke Burnsy. From Gilligan’s Island the Movie:
Burnsy says: Yo girl, I’mma fix the hole in your poopdeck.
7. Donkey Hodey does R. Lee Ermey almost as well as Mark it Zero. From R. Lee Ermy says Tom Cruise Ruined Eyes Wide Shut:
Donkey Hodey: HOW TALL ARE YOU,SON? 5′3?
I DIDN’T KNOW THEY… OK, WELL ACTUALLY, THEY PROBABLY DO STACK SH!T THAT HIGH!
8. The FilmDrunk comments section would fall apart without Donkey Hodey. From James Cameron’s Favorite Author (of Last Train to Hiroshima) is a Liar:
Donkey Hodey says: The book will be re-titled and released as ‘Last Train from Hiroshima: A Million Little Pieces of Fried Japanese People.’
9. Chareth Cutestory owned the Marisa Tomei Deserves Respect, Not Dan Cortese thread:
Chareth Cutestory says: “Yo, girl, what this commercial needs is less Rock N’ Jock and more Pop N’ Lock.”
Chareth Cutestory says:
[At the Barilla headquarters]
CEO: GET ME BILL BELLAMY!
10. From James Cameron says Avatar Jokes are Fine:
Johns Little Dick says: Look at James Cameron being all humble. I bet he still makes his hookers use a sani-seat when they sh!t in his mouth.
Sometimes I love unnecessary vulgarity. Okay, most of the time. And just as an honorable mention, I had to disqualify many of your funny comments at Roger Ebert’s expense, but I have to admit this one gave me a chuckle.
Pauly Dangerously says: I like to imagine Roger Ebert over Gene Siskel’s grave saying, in his robot voice, “aAhAAhaHahaA, i OuTliVed yOu, YoU pUsSy!”.
Anyway, heterosexual asspats all around, well done you guys. And bring your A-game this week, because next Monday I’m giving away the Uncensored South Park Season 13 on DVD. If you don’t rock my world, I’m keeping it for myself.
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I’ve been in combat but I don’t still feel worthy enough until at least I get at least a nom here. Also if a war buddy is going to visit you, it’s a good idea to stop drinking 20 minutes before you go to work, Yes, I am film drunking.
Where the F are my Newports!?
I’m not black by the way.
Jerks!
Excuse but I am drunk, and doing graveyard right now, so screw you guys.
Excuse me*
*Drinks a gallon of water to sober up*
Is this Croooooow’s first win? That means it’s a butt-rapin’ time.
I like how 50% of my comments from last week made it up there.
Oh, some good natured hazing! I always was curious what the corner was for….
*discretely slips lubricated condoms onto close by broom handles*
It was an honor just to be nominated!
broom handle? uh uh, more like shop vac.
Chelle0 in Crazy Kanye Lady,
Why is Mrs. Garrett so mad
eat Tutti?Seriously though, look at the banner pic.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Admit it, this was pretty good:
I hope all is well with you. I just wanted to write you and say I hope you liked my previous comment and if you did and want me to win, please repost in the comment section of the latest COTW post and your friends who vote for the COTW, tell blacks, spades, crew with huge members, fart directors, special needs people, if everyone tells one or two of their friends, we will win and not fucking pauly dangerously, or burnsy, or chino, I need independent comments to win like the ones you and I leave, so if you believe my post is the best comment of this week, help me!
I’m sure you know plenty of people you’ve worked with who are assholes who troll this site, a writer, a sound engineer, please take 5 minutes and contact them. Please call one or two persons, everything will help!
best regards,
The Road Warrior Queef
Burnsy with the “faceplate is gray, not ashy” in the Iron Man post is probably the best we’re gonna do. Ever.
I am doing a cartwheel into a second for Road Warrior Queef. That is super duper.
So am I the only one who can’t see Road Warrior Queef’s post?
That’s because it’s in the Iron Man 2 post.
You fuckers.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
CROOOOW says
TORN: I told you, I want a god-damn cerveza with my gordita!
*pulls pistol*
NOLTE: Get him to throw in some cinnamon twists!
BUSEY (as the teller): I told you varmints to stop buggin’ me at work! Now scram on outta here!
*pulls sour cream gun from behind counter*
NOLTE: Looks like we got ourself a Mexican food stand-off
*pulls armadillo from sweatpants*
—-
Chareth Cutestory
TORN: Yeah, me and Nolte here will take four a them crunchy gordito supremos or whatever you wetbacks are callin’ ‘em. And we’ll take ‘em
*draws pistol*
TORN: …to go
NOLTE: Aw, hell, you ol’ scuttlebutt. That’s a mailbox yer jabberin’ at.
TORN: You see pretty good…
*pistol whips mailbox*
TORN: …for a man with an eye swollen shut.
NOLTE: I’m over here, Rip.
PB rocks the F-boots in [filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Patty Boots says:
I got in an argument the other day, and this guy was all, “Fuck you, Boots!”
It was hurtful.
[tr.im]
john’s little dick is pretty good with vulgar:
This would be great for Alex.I heard he’s really struggling as a sandwich artist at Subway. He insists on telling everyone about his 5 dollar foot long then points at his crotch and yells “Eat fresh faggot!”
Blame my priest Vince…Anyway, this one here by Stinky Pete tickled me for some reason:
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Gary Busey shakes his head around like that to shoo away the cartoon bluebirds that have been circling it since December 1988.
Wait a tic . . . we can VOTE on COTW? Since when?
If laughing at this makes me racist, then pass me my hood. keyHo on [filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Still no answer as to how to get them to shut the fuck up during the movies though.
Chino comes through on the Gay Avatar Dance Party thread: ChinoMoreno says:
It’s fun to stay at the ASPCA!
second Chino.
and goddamnit, Chino again:
Brian Setzer showed up to this party but then he wandered off.
Chino a-fucking-gain:
The Jake Sully sex party was sooo lame.
Second Chino for Jake Sully sex party.
Hey, if I’m going to give Stinky Peet the reacharound, this is the best thread for it, right? Besides, fuck you, these made me laugh.
Convincing your dance partner to untuck is referred to as “mining for unobtaintium”.
AND
Convincing your dance partner to blow you in the men’s room is referred to as “mining for unobcranium”.
BOOSH.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
theend81 says:
His jokes auditioned for the part of the bombs in The Hurt Locker
Same post
Pauly:
Dane Cook should have been Batman, that way, I can murder both of his parents and stay true to the plot.
Same post
Fucking Chareth:
Say what you will about his comedy completely lacking punchlines, he’s always been a great self promoter.
That’s like saying, “Say what you will about this dog shit, but you gotta admit that it’s smeared everywhere.”
2nd Chareth.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Lester Hayes Mayes:
Ted Nugent was initially cast in “Doubt,” but got fired when he whipped it out.
Third our witty maritime attorney.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Chareth again with:
“Great, now Krasinski’s definitely got the part.”
Pithy and simple is often funniest.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says:
Well, at least the unemployment rate went down.
This is probably an old joke, but I’d never heard it. Newbie Rislo, Haim post:
At least he died doing what he loved.
Ah my ancestors died for nothing, I laughed hard with this.
ScheherazadeSloth says:
He’s like the reverse Roberto Benigni. I bet before he dropped the cyanide canisters on Jews and gypsies at Auschwitz, he would make a mouth fart and say “oops! Gas!”
Yeah, everybody loved that.
Donk appeals to my militant Tar Heel side in [filmdrunk.uproxx.com] :
That banner pic looks like a police lineup looking for a rapist at Duke.
second that patty, definitely made me lol for the first time this week
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
CROOO(OOO)OW is having a laugh;
I wish this ended like My Girl and Pattinson could die after being stung by a vagina
I liked it so much I decided to fuck up HTML.
Oski, [filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Jacob: Come on! *hits Bella in the chest repeatedly* Don’t you live on me!!!!
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Pauly asked me to nom this from Jack, and I do what I’m told:
“He didn’t appear to be on any substance whatsoever.”
I guess Corey Haim was a better actor than we realized.
No, not for Haim, but Jack!’s
The Dude really ties the chart together
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
2nd Oski and thanks for that Donk.
*sniffs*
Awwww, I forgot to wash my hands…
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
The context was irrelevant when Shop 101 said:
Canadian girls build the lower body musculature required to swim across Lake Ontario (before finally becoming Air Canada stewardesses). Their orgasms are none of our business.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Michelle07:
IN OUT IN OUT oy vey all zis casting is making me pregnant!
I may be forced to eat CROOOW if this isn’t among the COTW contenders:
From Slobbin’ Hood In the climax of the movie Robin Hood storms the keep under the impression that someone had Made Marinade.
Second the Marinade line, even though it (embarrassingly) took a couple reads to see it.
I suck at math and geometry, but I still found this funny.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Moose says:
Stephanie Meyer believes that her obtuse love triangles are acute.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Erswi says:
We went from underage jailbait pussy writhing onstage in a corset and garters to some type of viral for the new Star Wars with a female Chewbacca? MLIFD.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Donk
What do Sarah Palin in America and Mo’Nique’s hairy legs in Japan have in common?
They’re both an easy way to lose an election.
Second the fuck out of Donk.
And from the same godzira post, Michelle07 is eloquent in her brevity:
Her ankles have a fade.
Second Michelle07. God damn, that made me laugh.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Burnsy says:
This movie has made Dakota Fanning turning 18 make my joy of the Olsen Twins turning 18 look like Frankie Muniz’s career when he turned 18.
Third Donk. If mixing up Ls and Rs is wrong, I don’t want to be light.
Oh come on…
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Donk:
Rook rike dey
*sungrasses*
Blowhole case open.
*YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH*
Jesus Christ, Donk. I heartily second.
Donk wins.
Indeed. Donke schoen for that one, you magnificent bastard.
I tip my RayBans to Donk.
Fourth donk’s election comment and you’re probably racist if you laughed at it.
6th/7th/8th BaDonkadonk
Can I get in on this donk pile?
Donk
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Spaz
The Owen Wilson bird flies into windows.
God I just want to get a piece of Donk’s massive, throbbing election.
Wait, that came out exactly right.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Pauly Dangerously:
Listening to Hugo Weaving talk is like passing stones through your dick. It happens slowly and you just want it to end already.
fourteenth the election comment.
I’m not getting on your bandwagon, sheeple. I’m seconding or whatever it is Donk’s David Caluso blowhole comment.
I was on the blowhole comment as well.
Ok, if nobody else is gonna do it, I will because this is freakin’ funny
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Viking Gore
RRRAAAAGGHHHH… I HELP CREATE GREEN ZONES! JUST DON’T LOOK IN TENNESSEE!
*kills sushi chef with broadsword*
GGGRAAAAGGGHHHH… SAVE THE WHALES, HUMP YOUR WIFE!
Second Viking Gore’s green zone comment.