Capamerica-candidates

Just as a disclaimer here, I realize the Captain America rumors and counter rumors are getting pretty ridiculous at this point.  Especially since this is going to be a Joe Johnston movie, and he’s made almost universally mediocre movies so far.  Nonetheless, here’s the latest, from the normally accurate (though cunty) Deadline:

Marvel has slightly expanded its search — adding actors that I’m told include Chris Evans.  Of the original contenders, two are still in serious contention: Mike Vogel (Cloverfield – second from left) and Garrett Hedlund (Tron: Legacy – left). Hedlund was on Marvel’s original wish list but didn’t test at first. Scheduling was the reason, but I also heard his reps balked when Marvel informed them that the job would include options for 9 future films and a salary of only around $300,000. It’s not going to work out for the other actors who tested: Chace Crawford (CW’s Gossip Girl), John Krasinski (NBC’s The Office), Scott Porter (NBC’s Friday Night Lights), Michael Cassidy (CW’s Privileged) or Patrick Flueger (Brothers).

Yeah, I don’t think anyone ever actually believed it was going to be John Krasinski or Chace McFruity.  Meanwhile, THR (via /Film) reports that Generation Kill‘s Wilson Bethel (right) is also in the running.  If they’re really gonna go with one of these four and not Ted Nugent like I suggested, my pick would have to be Bethel.  Chris Evans seemed like a decent actor five years ago, but has been in nothing but terrible movies since then and I’m starting to wonder if maybe that’s partly his fault.  Garrett Hedlund has stupid hair and Mike Vogel is a cheeseball out of the Hasselhoff mold.  Bethel seems like he might actually be able to pull off the transition from creepy, sickly pussy to spandex super soldier.  Maybe they could photoshop his head on Dolph Lundgren for the second part?  Because nothing shows off the power of American breeding like a big, buff Swede.

It’s sad, we’re really lagging behind the rest of the world when it comes to producing men who aren’t snot-nosed, queef-sniffing hair farmers.  I blame this on the Disney Channel and the no-dodgeball-playing, Jonas Brothers-listening, pussy-whipped world that the religious right and the PC hippie douches are creating.  We’ve got Zac Efron on the basketball court doing a GD dance number with the ball as a prop for Christ’s sake. Lest we raise a generation of Chris Martins, every school in America needs to institute mandatory participation in two new sports: face-punching and blowing sh-t up.  Because what the hell is the world coming to when GD England is producing manlier dudes than us.  We need to man up and start knocking these spotted dicks’ monocles back in the gutter the way God intended when he had Paul Bunyan carve the Mayflower out of pterodactyl dick bones.  WHO’S WITH ME? USA! USA! USA!