Tim Burton and Wanted‘s Timur Blackmambetov (that’s what I call him anyway) today announced that they’ve bought the rights to Seth Grahame-Smith’s book, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. He’s the same guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which was earlier optioned by Natalie Portman with David O. Russell in talks to direct. Between his twee hyphen name and the fact that every NPR-loving Rachel Maddow fan thinks this gimmick is the funniest thing ever, it’s tempting to hate the guy. But I admit I haven’t read his books; it’s possible they’re really funny. That’s what makes hipsters even worse, sometimes they’re right.
Moreover, this seemed like a good excuse to post the trailer for 2001′s Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. Jesus and Abe Lincoln have a lot in common when you think about it. They’re both skinny, have sweet beards, and freed slaves. Wait no, that was Moses, wasn’t it. Well anyway, Jesus brought everyone wine and made sandwiches. Then when he showed up, all the Jews were like, “Well this is simply divine!”
Shut up, I was already leaving.
Thanks to Jlichman for reminding me of that movie
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Dracula: Abe…ready to die?
Lincoln: I was born in a log cabin mothafucka!
(Blatant Blade 3 reference)
Did you know that Jesus had a disciple named Lincoln, and Lincoln had a gardener named Jesus? COINCIDENCE?!?!
Lincoln is so fucked when he takes on John Wilkes Boothcula
Vampire hunter Abe’s diaries were published under the title Lincoln Logs.
Wooden stake is to vampire, as social acceptance is to hipster.
Abe found himself conflicted when it came to freeing Blacula.
Van Buren is going to show up to this party in a giant hat and raincoat isn’t he? Eeeeeveryone wants a piece of Kate Beckinsale.
[crosses fingers for William Howard Taft: Zombie Killer]
killer = eater
He will FREE THE STAVES!
cuz he was fat you see
You know, its about time we had a vampire movie starring Scott Bakula.
HE SHALL BE LINCOLN!
I look forward to the Murderball reboot staring Frankling Delano Roosevelt.
Coming, Summer 2012
Marie Antoinette: Vampire Hunter
LET THEM EAT STAKE!
The President’s balcony, a shot rings out!
Boothcula: Sic semper tyrannis!
*turns into a bat*
*Secret service chase him around with tennis racquets*
“I destroy my enemies
when I make them my friends.WITH MOTHERFUCKING STAKES!” -Abraham LincolnFour score and seven years ago, our forefathers.. must’ve been bored as shit because there weren’t all these sparkly vamps to kill!
“Abe Lincoln: Vamp Hunter” is a way more bankable idea than “Ben Franklin: Tramp Hunter”.
“…have sweet beards…”
We all knew about Abe, but Jesus was teh ghey, too?
I can’t wait for The Diary of Anne Frankenstein.
It’s basically the same as the original. Except the SS figure out her hiding place a lot sooner.
Anne: ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH
SS: Vas is das?
[machine-guns attic]
He’s going to have an identity crisis in Underworld 4: Electing Abe Lycan.
Fine. I’ll go.
[surveying the utter carnage before them]
Lincoln: Jesus Christ.
Jesus: Yes?
…
Both: HAHAHAHAHAHA.
[freeze frame, roll credits.]
I may be the only person that actually watched the show, but this was a joke on an episode of Party Down earlier this year. I don’t think I can deal.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was not funny. I only got about 40 pages in before I was like, “No thank you.” And I never give up on novels like that.
It gets old reeeeeeeaaaaaally quickly.
Party Down is awesome. I don’t get why that’s flying so under the radar. It’s like everyone’s too busy talking about Mo’Niques giant hairy pussy or something.
Diary of Anne Frankenstein FTMFW!
Party Down might be the funniest show on tv next to Sunny In Philadelphia, but it’s on starz and nobody wants to pay an extra $40 a month for that bulshit channel.