(“Dear John, What kind of film did they shoot this movie on? You look like you’re made of clay. Sincerely, Blondie.”)
Opening this weekend:
Dear John
Get ready for the sappiest, Mormonest, most love storyinest movie around, starring the mumbliest wigger in Hollywood, Channing Tatum. (Say what you will about Michael Rapaport, dude can enunciate). An, yo, dawg, promotin’ dis movie ain’t got nuffin to do wiff why C-Tates done started dis website about love, ya heard? Post tha love, son, fa real.
From Paris with Love
Yes, it looks kinda dumb, and John Travolta’s look has gone crossed the line from masculine into male-impersonator status, but I’m willing to remain open to the possibility that it’s dumb fun. The critics don’t seem to like it much. Look, I’m stretching to say something nice here, because it looks like Travolta’s trying really, really hard.
After the jump: Trailers for both, plus Amanda Seyfried’s tender love song.
From Paris with Love
—
Dear John
—
Amanda Seyfried’s Love Song
—
*burns bra*
Aw crap, my bad. I thought I was at Lilith Fair for a second there.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Huebel-gyllenhaal-carell-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/bourneleagcyteaserposter-150x150.jpg)
I’ll have you know I haven’t worn a bra since high school.
Thank god for the new up. Google was getting tired of helping me find Norway references.
I would punch the Pope in the dick for a chance to sniff Amanda Seyfried’s dryer link. Lindsay Lohan is now the fourth hottest chick who was in Mean Girls. Fifth if you count Tina Fey. 6th if you count Lizzy Caplan. Lindsay is tied with Tim Meadows.
Yo girl, let’s go see my movie tonight. I promise I won’t pull that trick where I put my dick in the popcorn girl.
I got a song for you too bitch, I call it, “dinner ain’t cookin itself”
You know what they say about girls with capos?
They don’t know how to play a lot of chords.
The only way that song could be further away from what I wanted to hear is if I was her left eye and that song was her right eye.
Yo girl, I gave you something from Paris with love. Talkin’ about herpes, son.
What you get with From Paris With Love is way better than what you get from Love With Paris.
(the herp)
Fuck you, Burnsy.
I say that with love.
Yo girl, thanks for stepping on my dick and putting out that fire.
I was going to call Amanda Seyfried the perfect woman until that Tyra Banks post on Warming Glow raised the Snatch Bar.
Yo girl, you got two vaginas? That’s why T-Diddy has two hands.
My days as an escort were cut short when my deer john decided to go stag.
Being a prostitute was not very lucrative for me as all I got from my deer john was one buck.
God damnit, I read the title of the movie wrong. I thought it was John Deere, and the movie was about a hipster wigger who travels back in time to 2005.
I’m having some problems today. First I read “Lizzy Caplan” in the comment above and my brain auto-corrects it to Gabe Kaplan, then further down, I read Tyra Banks and auto-correct to Tara Reid. I was sooo confused and delighted to see how these 5 women with ten vaginas were going to lead into something about Tara Reid.
Hey Morty, do me a favor and email me at Filmdrunkards@hotmail.com
I have a question to ask you.
I’d rather spend two hours staring at a John Deere.
Fuck. That’ll teach me to read your posts before typing…
After burrito night I sent flowers and a Dear John letter to my comode. I had to break it off, after what I did to it I would never be able to look it in the eyes again.
Amanda Seyfried’s Love Song made me want to burn Amanda Seyfried’s bra….while she is still wearimng it.
Did Seyfried sing Right Said Fred?
@Jacktion! Check your inbox.
If Travolta ate a corndog whilst sporting that epic mouth pussy I might get a 70′s porno boner.
Yo girl, why you be writing me letters? I ain’t trying to ghost ride no bookmobile, son.
They had the premiere for Dear John in Ft. Bragg. Which is a huge insult to the great state of NC.
NC – Dear John premiere
SC – Backhoe Water Skiing
SC wins!
SC – Governor says he’s going hiking; flies to Argentina.
Senator acts like a baby, yell “You lie!” at the President.
Every other state wins.
Sanford skipping out to visit his latina sidepiece is perfectly understandable because his wife is not hot.
The manly awesomeness of Senator Lindsay Graham more than makes up for that other Senator’s outburst.
@Jack! -check your inbox again, if you haven’t already.
Lindsay Graham also skipped out to go to the Dear John premiere because he is a huge Channing Tatum fan.
SC also has that state senator that compared poor people to stray animals.
I replied, Morty!
…
Did Erswi tell his Failight joke or what?
Ah, yes, they did host the premiere of Dear John here. I don’t know anyone who went to see it, probably because most of the stories around here where the guy goes off to war and comes back to find his girl hooking up with someone else end with lots of gunfire. You can hear about that at an FRG meeting without all the wiggery mumbling.
Hmm, that wasn’t funny. How about “Yo girl, Imma have to use 2 of my 3 post-traumatic stress kills now, then go help MWR save the rec center.” *holds gun sideways*
Ok, I was lying, the premiere wasn’t at Ft. Bragg. The rec centers still look like shit.
Jack!, none of these things change the fact that Backhoe Water Skiing > Dear John premiere.
Dear Juan, This is nacho cheese.
I have a little Tatum,
I made it out of clay,
And when it mumbles “ready,”
Then Tatum I shall play!
Oh Tatum, Tatum, Tatum,
You’re clearly made of clay;
Oh Tatum, Tatum, Tatum
Then Tatum I shall play.
Since I cannot come up with the funny on my own, here is a quote from Post the Love:
Kristen posted:
[i]Dear John was the an amazing movie!! It really showed me what true love can be like and what your first love can be like.[/i]
I hear Tatum’s cock is so hot it hurts just looking at it.
(nothing.. sorry I clearly cannot hang with the big boys.)
Just hoping you guys saw this comment on the 70-minute Avatar review:
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2010/02/70-minute-star-wars-review-guy-does-avatar
Spacetraveler says: You guys are fucken pathetic. There are a gazillion movies that takes after each other. If you’re going to bash a movie on that premise, you’re going to have to spend a lifetime doing it cause probably 90% of the movies out there are not original. Where the hell did you get Dances with Wolves in Space from? Avatar doesn’t even take place in Space. It’s in another Planet called Pandora dipshits. It’s in another fucken planet. If you’re going to bash a movie that raked in over $2 billion, at least make sense doing it. Plus, anyone who bashes a movie that raked in over $2 billion are dimwitted anyway. Seriously, just think about it. You “critics” failed already, you lost. Move on.
Oh, Lincey-poo…The Mighty Feklahr just might have to send you some more naughty Renee Zellwegger pics for that!
*tucks dick, squints, snaps webcam*
Wow, poor Spacetraveler must have been blue with rage when he wrote that.
Or possibly asphyxiation.