WIN A DATE WITH TARD HAMILTON
02.11.10Director Robert Luketic directed Legally Blonde, which I actually found self-aware enough to be sort of charming, but then followed it up with Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!, Monster-in-Law, 21, and The Ugly Truth, a cultural contribution roughly on par with using mustard gas to commit genocide against the Kurds. Now he’s back with Killers, starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, and if any of that sounds good to you, there’s an inside of a trunk I’d love for you to see. Get it? The movie’s called “Killers” and the song in the trailer is “Psycho Killer?” It’s almost… too brilliant.
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Psycho Killer? Fa fa fa!
This trailer just goes to show that the minute you land the man of your dreams, he stops walking around shirtless.
Goddamit. I knew it. Fucktard Kutcher is on SNL? That means a shitty movie is about to premiere.
So its Grosse Pointe Blank meets a RomCom?
methinks the soundtrack will be much lamer in this one
Kutcher-Heigl should be the name for the obsessive compulsion to eat one’s own shit.
Real mustard gas causes pain to the eyes, nose, throat, and skin.
Cultural mustard gas causes record scratches, cat hisses, nut shots, and Katherine Heigl movies. Also, pain to the eyes, nose, throat, and skin.
Now this is The Killers. Don “I directed Dirty Harry”" Siegel directs. Lee Marvin, Angie Dickenson, John Cassavetes, Clu Gulager, Norman Fell, and Ronald Fucking Reagan star. The script? Based on a story by Ernest Hemingway. Truly worth your time.
Ashton-Kutcher makes my bowels irate.
I’m looking forward to Heigl’s next film, Shut Her Eyelid. Coming soon all over a face near you.
/Yes, I am proud of myself. Fuck you.
I can’t believe it, but this looks REALLY good!
I know a lady who does Heigl exercises. She tenses and relaxes her vaginal muscles resulting in a woman who, while pretty, I’d rather fist fight than fuck.
Heigl? Hitler.
/Does someone make that joke every time her name is mentioned? Don’t care. I’m a cranky baby!
Tard Hamilton never lets anything get him down, except that extra chromosome.
Tard Hamilton got his start in fabric softener commercials, specifically for Downy.
I liked it better what it was called knight and I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.
If you do happen to win the date with Tard Hamilton, you WILL be expected to play in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.
Ladies all want to win a date with Tard Hamilton because he has a gigantic tongue.
if im not mistaken, didn’t President Tard Hamilton Duel with Aaron Durrrr?
Tard Hamilton was never president dummy. He was Thekwatawy of Tweshawy.
Sorry, PACEBARAL, but Tard Hamilton was never President. He was the Secretary of the Treasury, but quit after it became clear that the Treasury was not interested in sadomasochistic sex.
Dammit. See if I wrote this movie it would be different.
John Parker (Christopher Walken) is a successful doctor who is abducted and taken back in time by a cop from the future (Ben Foster) to perform abortions and prevent Heigl and Kutcher from being born.
Tard Hamilton is on the $1,000,000,000,000 bill because that’s just retard money.
You’ve won a date with Tard Hamilton! He’ll pick you up in the short bus.
Tard Hamilton will go all the way on the first date. So long as you don’t touch his ears.
Tard Hamilton doesn’t care what base he gets to, he just wants to know if you’ve seen his baseball.
I NEVER CALL A MAN A SECRETARY EVEN IF HES IS ONE OF DEM MONGOLOIDS,
*throws beer can at wife’s head.
Tard Hamilton will go out on this date with you, but he has to be home in time to watch Lost.
Just because Tard Hamilton is drooling doesn’t mean he thinks you’re hot.
Tard Hamilton wants to gaze directly into your eyes. That’s why he’s shaking his head from side to side like that.
If Tard Hamilton wants a goodnight kiss, don’t be too alarmed if it’s on your eye.
Don’t worry about Tard Hamilton trying to cop a feel. His hands are pretty much glued to his own chest.
All of Tard Hamilton’s kisses are of the French variety.
Don’t worry, girl. Tard Hamilton always takes it slow.
If Tard Hamilton starts crying and screaming that he needs an adult, you’re doing something right.
A date with Tard Hamilton is like a date with a poodle, there will be a lot of noise, shaking, commotion, and sooner or later you are going to be cleaning up some shit.
I’ll be there with bells on!*
*The bells that sound just before the explosives detonate.
Tard Hamilton wears a tuxedo on all of his dates, but he always puts the cummerbund on upside down. Because he’s retarded. (tee hee, cummerbund)
Tard Hamilton takes all of his dates to Appleduuuurrrr’s.
Tail up!
They should call this Mr. and Mrs. Shit.
Mr. and Mrs. Shit?
Where’s the dinosaur?
Damn you Vince and damn your photoshops.
People, do not watch the trailer. There is no Tyrannosaurus Rex in it. Nor, other dinosaurs…
I thought they re-named the Kevin Smith movie something else than Killers… Wasn’t it A Couple of Tards originally?
Kutcher as an assassin is about as belivable as Flava Flav as a Civil Rights leader.
Right before the credits roll, Jean Reno as Leon busts through the window and brutally murders Heigl and Kutcher or GTFO.