Above is the trailer for Valentine’s Day, a hastily-slapped together compilation of nauseating clichés aimed at brainless women and their dickless boyfriends starring Ashton Kutcher. It’s movies like this that remind me how the barrel of a gun tastes. Anyway, it hasn’t opened yet, but New Line is so sure it’s a hit that they’ve greenlit a spiritual sequel (can’t be a literal sequel since there isn’t actually a story) called New Year’s Eve.

Warner Bros’ New Line is in love with the Garry Marshall-directed Valentine’s Day because of its formula of cramming more than a dozen stars into a film and keeping the budget below $50 million. Now I’m told there’s a sort-of-sequel underway. Valentine’s Day scribe Katherine Fugate has turned in a draft of New Year’s Eve.

So these days, when most films can barely afford even 2 major stars, how did Valentine’s Day keep down costs for the cast including Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Bradley Cooper, Anne Hathaway, Patrick Dempsey, Taylor Lautner, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah and Emma Roberts? I’ve learned most worked for discounted quotes and some back-end because they were able to film their parts quickly and then leave for other projects. [DHD]

They should call it Summer’s Eve and let me shoot everyone who buys a ticket with a fire hose.

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