
(Aw, she thinks the book is made of chocolate.)
I want to believe this is a hoax, but after Fred and Sharon and Rooster and Trish, nothing’s too strange to believe anymore. So a supposed Twilight fan calling herself Kayla Patterson recently sent a letter to LatinoReview regarding Universal’s blatant thievery of werewolves (which Twilight obviously invented) in their movie Wolf Man. For shame, Universal! How dare you steal ethnic temptation wolves from the nice white lady! *rolls up newspaper* Here’s an excerpt:
This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remakingof the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet*? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? [Check out the rest of her rant at LatinoReview]
Frankly, I’m shocked someone so devoted to the literature of Stephenie Meyer could be so bad at grammar. I mean Kayla was bad. Very bad. So bad at grammar; it was frightening.
You know, it’s stuff like this that makes you wonder if maybe the Chinese are onto something with the whole drowning-girl-babies-in-the-river thing.
[Props to GammaSquad for finding this]
*Ethnic wolves hate the Silver Bullet. They prefer Tecate.



Banner pic: Twilight’s Ash Wednesday crossover is a huge success.
Banner Pic: Robert Pattinson’s nightmares are Roman Polanski’s dreams
Lon Chaney’s ghost thinks they all need to be spayed
Ethnic wolves tend to work as often as they turn into werewolves.
I suspect a lawsuit against Warren Zevon’s estate is coming up next.
Also, how did Roman Polanski not end up in that banner pic?
Can you tell me where the banner photo was taken? I have a Craigslist missed connections ad to place and a batch of cookies to bake.
At the Team Edward sorority house, the girl who passed out drunk the night before is the only one without “BITE ME” written on her forehead with a Sharpie.
*Incoming communique from future Kayla Patterson*
“No, officer – I fell down in the kitchen. I’m very clumsy.”
You: Cute girl with “bite me” written on forehead.
Tell me what type of telephoto lens I was using if you want to chat.
Kayla Patterson’s Wolfman has no nards.
Michael J Fox read that letter and just shook his head.
inkyPee, I assume the shaking had nothing to do with disgust though, did it?
Boy is Kayla gonna be pissed when she sees James Cameron’s Avatar sequel pitting the Na’avi against a neighboring planet full of orange dog-like creatures called the We’erwulv.
“Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf?”
Yeah I did saw it bitch. You know what else I saw? Your fucking skull in to tiny pieces.Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to return some video tapes.
ckStro: Thou haft Afcertained the Nature of my Jeft with Dexteritie of Mind and an Abundance of Witte, pleafe Celebrate this Accomplifhment with an Adulte Beverage of thine Choofing and Informe the Bar Maiden that it Shall be Free of Charge pending my own Recompenfe to the Establifhment.
It’s shit like this that actually makes me want to do work. WTF?
I wish these bitches would get mange.
next they are gonna say that Bram Stoker stole from Stephanie Meyer’s time of the month
he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man
Never mind the fact that they were as big as a fucking Volkswagon Beetle.
“cuz hes a REAL WEREWOLVE!” That would sic-en my 3rd grade teacher.
*sits in chair, entire body becomes mutated freak*
*face paw*
This letter makes me want to watch some Fury Porn.
Responded Benicio Del Toro, “Wha tha faaaaaa, flipyafareal.”
Avatards vs. Twihards Saturday, 8pm at Bikini Atoll
*snorts*
Oh, what a wonderful dream I was having. And you were there, and you were there…
I’d say we recreate Battle Royale (Japanese movie not WWF) with the two groups but I don’t think either group would understand how to operate a weapon.
WHY DO YOU THINK HE KEEPS TRYING TO DETONATE YOUR SUN, YINTAGHS???
*The Mighty Feklahr orders His crew*
“Try one of the “Well Spoken Twilight Fan” torpedoes, Ker’Splatt…”
“…”
“Wha ha ha! Baktag! They don’t exist!” BONG!!!!!!!!!!
“That Ker’Splatt…falls for it every time.”
“Dear Bram Stoker,
Your Dracula character is a blatant rip off of Edward Cullen. Read Stephanie Meyer if you wants to learn how to wrote vampires”
if she also added that Frankenstein should be Edward’s head stitched onto Jacob’s body I would’ve thrown my monitor across the room and lost all faith in humanity. actually it may too late for the latter
Kayla Patterson:
Uh-Duh, everyone knows werewolves can only die by crippling depression from being rejected by human women. But no girl would ever do that cause furries are awesome!
Taylor Lautner’s biopic will be called The Impotence of Being Earnest.
This looks familiar.
Oh, that’s right. The first draft of this letter (in purple ink of course) was in one of the backpacks in my van.
Yea, can I get my backpack back? I have a test monday.
You guys be nice. I got to see Kayla’s softer side in my Ford Econoline 350 with the blacked out windows and the ethnic werewolf mural on the side. *points to crotch* Team Jacob for the win.
i myself am very offended
[www.facebook.com]
I’m conflicted as to who more deserves “tard” in their name, the Avatards or the “TwiHards” (I usually just call them “Twards” myself but I doubt I’m the only one to do so…).
But this is yet another reason why Children of Men was really not all that bad an idea. You know, God making sure we can no longer procreate. Now THAT is a movie I sometimes wish was real!