THE DENIRO & PACINO UPDATE
02.17.10
(Fellas, fellas, let’s not argue. The important thing is Owen Wilson’s gay hair.)
Every once in a while I like to check in with America’s most respected actors, Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. First, DeNiro, who recently showed up in this publicity still for Little Fockers. Yep, they’re still making that. I mean the guy’s name almost sounds like cuss word, how could you not make two sequels? This one reportedly deals with Gay and Pam’s kids, Henry and Ashley. Which is weird. I would’ve given them funny names, like “Poop” or “Butt.”
Elsewhere, Al Pacino is taking over Robert DeNiro’s role in Son of No One, opposite Channing Tatum in a film from Dito Montiel, director of Fighting.
The script centers on a young cop (Tatum) who is assigned to a precinct in the working class neighborhood where he grew up, with an old secret surfacing and threatening to destroy his life and family.
Tatum’s secret? He never learned to speak or read. Damn, B, you look just like a dude on mah Scarface jacket *unintelligible mumbling*
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DeNiro looks just like the guy on my Deer Hunter jacket.
*busts into the room, out of breath*
Henry and Ashley? Sounds like two strong sons.
Bottom Pic: The Situation and Pauly D in thirty years
Channing Tatum’s can only learn a script if it’s recorded as an audiobook narrated by T-Pain.
Why the possessive apostrophe, you dick?
Meanwhile, the Pacino & DeNiro Debate is still being won by the 1970s.
Opposite Channing Tatum is very articulate.
There have to be Focker forums that we can laugh at somewhere, right?
Opposite Channing Tatum drives a sensible Hyundai with hubcaps. The alloy wheels were too expensive.
Pacino and DeNiro couldn’t be bigger caricatures of themselves if they each had the word NINA hidden in their hair.
Ed.: Holy shit I’m old….
So, is that Harvey Motherfucking Keitel or not?
I get it now: Owen Wilson is making progressively more horrible movies so that when he finally does succeed in committing suicide no one will feel bad about his lost potential
Opposite Channing Tatum is Baby Goose.
Yo girl, I’m doing a movie with that guy from Scent of a Bitch. You know, WOO-HA! Got you all in check.
Thanks, Burnsy. You’re soooo fetch.
Opposite Channing Tatum un-tinted the windows on his factory Camry because he thought they were “too urban”
Opposite Channing Tatum studies his family tree and honors his family lineage.
I’m telling Focus on the Family about this.
Opposite Channing Tatum’s penis is completely intact.
Opposite Channing Tatum would love to join your underground MMA club, but it’s taco night with the fam.
Opposite Channing Tatum’s junk is still as smooth as a baby’s bottom and not horribly disfigured in any way.
Opposite Channing Tatum has all of his organs on the outside of his body.
*re-reads previous “Opposite Channing Tatum” comments*
Fuck.
*hits “Submit Comment” anyway*
Opposite Channing Tatum totally get’s what you’re saying about something.
Opposite Channing Tatum never carries dollar bills.
Opposite Channing Tatum is disappointed you deleted “According To Jim” from the DVR, but knows you didn’t mean to.
*sees Jack!s post*
Opposite Channing Tatum has situs inversus
*gets crammed into a locker by normal Channing Tatum*
Opposite Channing Tatum exclaims “so true, so true!” during Nia Vardalos movies.
Opposite Channing Tatum hates to be rude, but you’ve been on the elliptical for longer than an hour.
Opposite Channing Tatum made pizza for all of his friends!
And he knows you have an allergy to gluten, so he made a special gluten-free mini-pizza just for you.
I’m pretty sure Tay Zonday is Opposite Channing Tatum.
Opposite Channing Tatum doesn’t scratch his ass and smell his fingers.
Opposite Channing Tatum wishes a girl would send him flowers on Valentine’s Day.
Opposite Channing Tatum doesn’t get confused with Cam Gigandent.
Opposite Channing Tatum apologizes for stepping on dicks.
Opposite Channing Tatum doesn’t know what a Lady GaGa is, nor does he want to know. No sir.
Opposite Channing Tatum takes no for an answer.
Wait, that movie is called “Son of No One”?
So… it’s about Jesus?
Opposite Channing Tatum just poked you on Facebook.
Opposite Channing Tatum can count to 4 without using all of his fingers.
Opposite Channing Tatum makes tasteful but thrifty clothing purchases from the on-sale rack at Brooks Brothers.
Opposite Channing Tatum totally deserves to perform in a film with Al Pacino.
Opposite Channing Tatum appreciates a nice rounded brim on his baseball cap.
Opposite Channing Tatum will kill that spider for you, honey, don’t wor-OH GOSH, IT MOVED! IS IT IN MY HAIR?
Opposite Channing Tatum cannot grasp how commenters at FD can go on for 179 comments about fucking a pillow.
Opposite Channing Tatum always tips 20%, and not just to waitresses, even to waiters.
Opposite Channing Tatum really hopes all of humanity’s greed doesn’t corrupt the gentle culture of the Na’avi.
Opposite Channing Tatum took a personal day from his accounting job to go sailing with his nephew.
Opposite Channing Tatum thinks wonders just what that Ashton Kutcher will think up next.
Opposite Channing Tatum sees how wiggers and Avatards have something in common.
Opposite Channing Tatum nods appreciatively while reading Rick Reilly.
Opposite Channing Tatum wants you to join the office Oscar pool. Dibs on Sandra Bullock!
Opposite Channing Tatum enjoys listening to oldies at a reasonable volume.
Opposite Channing Tatum crosses the street to avoid walking passed Channing Tatum.
Opposite Channing Tatum worries his name sounds “too ethnic” to his neighbors who read it on his Tweety Bird mailbox.
Opposite Channing Tatum prefers the broadcast television edit of Goodfellas. All the nasty words just get in the way of some fine acting, thank you very much.
Opposite Channing Tatum thinks you and the girl on the other side of the bar would make a great couple, and he’d never do anything to get between you two.
Opposite Channing Tatum thinks the film adaptation of Dear John fails to accurately capture the true spirit of angst and uncertainty in the protagonists’ relationship that was far more prevalent in the novel.
Opposite Channing Tatum makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X
Pacino signed on because Opposite Channing Tatum, everyone looks good.