(From left: Pete Hammond, Sandra Bullock, Retard Pig…)
If you don’t know who Pete Hammond is, he’s the film critic whose talent for sloppy hyperbole would rival Aunt Sylvia after a few Chardonnays, and who spent the early part of this year calling The Proposal “the year’s best comedy” (an eagle stole her Blackberry lol!). He disappeared for a while, but now he’s back like a diabetic phoenix to take credit for Sandra Bullock’s Best Actress nomination for Blind Side. From Hollywood Elsewhere:
Here’s how it went down, according to an e-mail he sent around this morning:
“I first saw The Blind Side on the WB lot on October 15th. I called WB the next day and asked them afterwards if they knew what they had, that this was Bullock’s Erin Brockovich, and said she can get an Oscar nomination if they campaign it. They weren’t even planning to do that at this stage.
“I held off writing about it and predicting the Oscar nomination until Nov 4th — the first time I talked it up. [...]
“On November 23rd I wrote about it again after the opening weekend’s boxoffice report and put out a public plea for someone, ANYONE to join me on buzzmeter in predicting Bullock. Again I was still alone.”
“That article was used by Santa Barbara Film Festival chief Roger Durling in convincing Sandra’s reps to commit to a tribute and award at the SBIFF when a Best Actress nomination seemed still like a longshot. He first contacted them after the first article on November 4th. He hadn’t even seen the movie at that point.”
Way to go, Pete. Because, as we all know, getting a movie star’s publicist to agree to an embarrassing tribute at a minor film festival is job #1 for any professional film critic. Here’s to you, buddy. *tries to break champagne bottle over Pete’s fat belly, fails, drinks champagne*
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Pete Hammond is the reason you can’t get the McRib year-round.
Pete Hammond would also like you to know he urged the folks at Reese’s to put peanut butter INSIDE of a chocolate bar.
I recognize that guy! Fucker tried to sell me life insurance at a discoteca in ’97.
Pete Hammond convinced AT&T to use Owen Wilson in their commercials.
Is he honestly trying to bang Bullock? Because if so, hats off to him, he’s working that shit, yo.
Looks like Pete urged the folks at Reese’s to put peanut butter inside his gaping yap.
Hammond also takes credit for teaching Gabourey Sidibe to double-fist $5 footlongs.
I got a hold of an email Pete actually wrote about Sandy Bullock in 1995:
“I first saw The Net at a dollar theater in Hoboken. I called over to Columbia Pictures about this crazy thriller I just watched about computers. It was Sandra’s Desperately Seeking Susan. I asked them if they knew what they were sitting on. A gold mine, I told them. But nobody listened to me, and yet if it weren’t for Sandra’s brave performance as Angela Bennett, we would have never ever created the Internet.”
Pete Hammond is the dude that pointed out Aladdin to Jafar as the guy the angry sand-tiger cave would let come in his mouth (heh…)
Privately, and in the confidence of friends, Hammond takes credit for Grand Slam. Not the plot of Goldfinger, but Denny’s version.
this is what Pete Hammond told the Facebook team in 2002:
“you know what you guys have here? I mean sure you can talk with your classmates and what not, but what if you add some game where people can grow little cartoon crops and send each other gifts, and emails “hey I plowed your soil!!” hahaha, wouldn’t that be neat?”
Bullock’s publicist: “Yer changin’ that goy’s laahfe.”
Bullock: “Nope, he’s changin’ maahne.”
If it weren’t for Pete Hammond, Ron Perlman would still be on Easter Island.
Pete Hammond told Billy corgan to play with other people and still call the band Smashing Pumpkins
Pete Hammond discovered Milli and Vanilli. But he swears he had nothing to do with what came next.
Pete Hammond told Lady Gaga she should put more pizzazz on her wardrobe
Pete Hammond adviced Lince to switch his servers over to UPROXX
Pete Hammond can also be credited for Nickleback’s success.
Pete Hammond told Martha Coakley that Massachusetts was a slam dunk win for her
Pete Hammond is responsible for The Jersey Shore’s second season.
Pete Hammond seriously believes he was the first one to go walkin’ in Memphis.
Pete Hammond told Britney to shave her head, then stole her turducken when she wasn’t looking.
Pete Hammond just had a great idea that involves putting funny subtitles on the Hitler movie.
Pete Hammond unwittingly trained a dolphin to get Sandra Bullock an Oscar nomination.
Pete Hammond got David Patterson cast in The Legally Blind Side.
Pete Hammond just ordered the Blind Side of Bacon.
Ray Parker Jr. stole the Ghostbusters theme song from Huey Lewis after he stole it from Pete Hammond.
Pete Hammonds Email to will Farrell about the Bewitched movie:
“you know what would be hilarious? if instead of a straight forward movie about bewitched, you make a movie about making a movie about bewitched and Samantha REALLY IS A WITCH!! how zany is that?”
Pete Hammond also takes credit for the Taco Bell drive-through diet.
Pete Hammonds is Stuart Townsend’s life coach.
Pete Hammond is also responsible for creating the techonology that Avatar is based on.
Pete Hammond claims that he invented the question mark.
In a related story, Pete Hammond coached Sandra Bullock for her role as a retarded woman in All About Steve.
Pete Hammond claims that he is the inspiration for retard pig.
Pete Hammond advised Gary Busey to improve his smile.