(Tentpoles, franchise, synergy, hedge funds: Paramount’s bold new plan for the fiscal year)
In the age of the franchise picture, many of us have forgot about Mission Impossible, the boring franchise starring boring Tom Cruise that was boring audiences back when The Bored Identity was still a boring sperm in his daddy’s boring nutsack. Which is why it thrills me to report that JJ Abrams and Cruise will team up to produce MI IV, with the director still to be announced. Attached to write the script are André Nemec and Josh Applebaum, the brains behind such shows as Happy Town, Life on Mars, October Road, Alias, Fastlane, and She Spies. I’ve never seen any of those, but I’m sure they weren’t boring. In honor of the occasion, Paramount CEO Brad Grey had this totally not-boring thing to say:
“Tom and J.J. are great talents and we are excited to be working with them to re-launch this legendary franchise.”
A fourth sequel. Can you imagine anything more exciting? I’m sure I’ll be there on opening day.
(As long as there aren’t any gays in there.)
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Cruise stepped into the bath leg by leg, and slowly edged his sweaty body into the water. The heat fluxuated throughout his body providing deep pleasure. He reached over and got some bubble bath to add. He mixed it into the water, creating the perfect sensual setting. He spread his cheeks wide and relaxed in the bath tub. Cruise began calming himself and thinking of all his dreams and desires. Clark came to mind. He always teased Clark and was even quite mean at times. This was all to cover up the fact that he secretly wanted to fuck his brains out. Cruise began massaging his nipples.
Vince, you have the power to delete comments right?
J.J. Abrams likes the photoshop, but wonders if you could maybe add a lens flare coming of the guy on the left’s forehead.
The teaser trailer will be slow-mo shots of the crew fabricating Cruise’s stilts.
Sneaky fucking spy bastard stole my second f from “off”.
I know you’re not saying 1991′s Don Johnson is imperfect, Donk.
Cruise signed on…as long as there wasn’t anybody with a first name that had two J’s around.
I wanted to be J.J. Abrams when I was a kid. Then I found out you can’t turn yourself into a tank.
Cruise returns on one condition – that motorcycle needs to look a lot less like tits.
I also wanted to be J.J. Walker before I found out AT-ATs aren’t real.
HEY! That banner pic is just a slide from your power point presentation for the Uproxx Men’s Softball League. You’re not even trying anymore, are you?
Tom Cruise: The species packing your feces.
“Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to be in the same vicinity as gays.”
Can someone slide me a frothy boot of piss to chug? It’s still early for me.
Piss boot? Way to Durst the thread, shitnail assflake cuntscabbed bird rapist.
Daniel Craig would like them to know he’d be happy to do a cameo if they need to cast an enemy agent for Ethan Hunt to seduce and possibly choke a little.
*racks arm on old timey adding machine, looks up from under green bankers lamp*
If my calculations are correct, this would be the 3rd sequel. Also, you owe back taxes.
not to be a dick vince, but wouldn’t it be the third sequel?
Wrong, sir! Wrong! In 1996 the first Mission Impossible came out directed by Brian De Palma and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy: I, the undersigned, also know that in 2000 Mission Impossible 2 came out directed by John Woo, et cetera, et cetera… Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et cetera… It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You forgot that MI:3 came out in 2006 directed by JJ Abrams co-starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
I SAID “GOOD DAY”!
Oh….it’s the…4th…movie…which makes it…the third….sequel…
*backs away slowly*
so boring its ceo is called gray.
so close pauly… so close
or should i say willy
Abrams is only producing.
Expect a WHOLE new level of suck.