The big news last night was that Deadwood‘s Ian McShane was negotiating to join the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean 4, to be directed by Rob Marshall and starring Johnny Depp. McShane will play Blackbeard, apparently based on the real guy, Edward Teach.
People seem really excited about this, and I get it. Johnny Depp is great, and Ian McShane is great, especially as a trade for Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, who won’t be coming back. But excuse me for not breaking out the champagne and butt plugs just yet. This is still a third sequel directed by the guy who did Kate Hudson’s perfume commercial and the producer who came up with the idea for Kangaroo Jack. Hiring Ian McShane to be in this is kind of like getting Christina Hendricks to tell me I have herpes. Better, yes. Good, no.
You wanna put Blackbeard in the movie? If he’s going to put lit fuses in his beard and shoot people with cannons, cool. You know what I don’t want to see him doing? Driving an upside-down pirate ship to never-never fairy land to break an ancient curse. You wanna make a pirate movie? Fine. But based on the wasted hours Jerry Bruckheimer already owes me, I have to assume this is just going to be National Treasure with boats and eyeliner again.
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Are they really gonna be looking for teh fountain of yoof? Didn’t Colin Farrell already find it? Or not? Honestly I could not follow that movie one bit as I wasn’t under the influence of massive amounts of narcotics.
Aaarrrr. Come climb ye olde rock climbin’ wall.
Ok, so they replace Keira Knightley with McShane to keep the breast sizes consistent, but who are they going to get to replace Orlando Bloom’s raw sweltering machismo? Is Jay Baruchel available? How about KD Lang?
Bitch, you would give me kiss if I were on the soccer team.
At this point I’d rather watch Sasha Grey gagging up in Belladonna’s mouth again.
Call me when they make Pirates of the Ca’aribbean.
I do believe McShane is sporting Southampton’s 1976 away kit there. Can any other Filmdrunkard’s confirm this?
Goddammit Vince, can’t you just let them have this one? Yes, World End was garbage, but It’s fucking Swegen for gods sakes, this is good news.
Superfluous apostrophe there. Maybe the “s” too?
I stand by my Christina Hendricks telling me I have herpes metaphor.
Simile, rather.
Charlie, I can’t even confirm that you’re speaking English sometimes.
they should cast christina hendricks in this as some sort of free liberated woman who shows her breasts all the time
I would pay $15 to see National Treasure with boats and eyeliner ONLY if when they sailed upside down they were actually INSIDE Nic Cage’s forehead….wait a sec
*sprints to Hollywood*
*desk chair spinning comically*
Bumblebee tuna… bumblebee tuna… excuse me your balls are showing… bumblebee tuna
Also, speaking of Nic Cage’s forehead… Do you know that they won’t let you customize your Capital One card with the handtlers picture?!?! Something about “celebrity image”. He’s not a celebrity, he a horned caricature of Stanley Goodspeed, damn it.
Oh Ian McShane you glowering foul mouthed bastard, I love you.
The only way this could be better is if they somehow resurrected Robert Shaw and had him in it.
I didn’t see Death Race, I didn’t see Hot Rod, I only got 10 minutes in to that one kid’s movie he did, I constantly fall asleep during Battle of Britain… I will continue my streak of not giving a fuck about Ian McShane’s film work. It’s not as though he has the greatest track record in that department. (Animated movies notwithstanding.)
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Yay, me. Those 70s Admiral kits were superb.
Erswi, yup. Two nations divided by a common language.
Rob Marshall is directing, the Blackbeard character may simply be Tia Dalma after she marries Captain Jack.
Never underestimate the power of blind, displaced adoration, Vince. Something I suspect you should know all too well yourself.
Not Commonly Known Fact: Blackbeard even had lit fuses in his pants pockets, so his crew would sometimes call him “Firecrotch” behind his back. Redbeard was relieved that this nickname had been already been taken
NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
NO!NO!NO!NO!N!ONO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!
FUUUUUUUCCCKKNOOOOOOOOOO IAN NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
…shit…
2 1/2 hours of McShane calling Sparrow a cocksucker or GTFO.
Joining the cast will be ROB SCHNEIDER as…a stapler! derp derp derp da derp
Because pairing McShane and Depp when they were deciding how to fuck up season 4 of Deadwood was just too much to ask.