ValentinesDay-JesusHitlerIt’s always nice to start the week with good news and though I don’t have your STD test results, I can tell you that a Martin Scorsese film (Shutter Island) wiped its ass with Ashton Kutcher’s Al-Qaeda recruitment tape at the box office.  Shutter Island‘s $40.2 million opening weekend was a career best for both Scorsese and DiCaprio.  Reached for comment, Shutter Island author Dennis Lehane said, “To celebrate, Me n Leanahdo n Mahty ah gonna go pahty with some hookahs and then kill the sonovabitch priest who molested my daughtah.”

Meanwhile, Valentine’s Day suffered a massive 70% drop from last weekend, which is a nice bit of schadenfreude, but with an $87.5 million domestic gross thus far on a $52 million budget, it’s probably not enough to keep the mullahs who financed it from making another one.  And who wants to bet this kid won’t be blowing guys for heroine in a couple years?  “C’mon, man, make it $20, I was in a movie with Ashton Kutcher.”  Just what the world needs, another drug-addicted former child star.  Or worse, Danny Masterson.

ValentinesDay-Assholekid

Film Weekend Per Screen James Cameron
1 Shutter Island $40,200,000 $13,440 $40,200,000
2 Valentine’s Day $17,160,000 (-69.5%) $4,682 $87,422,000
3 Avatar $16,100,000 (-31.8%) $6,238 $687,821,000
4 Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief $15,300,000 (-51.0%) $4,505 $58,760,000
5 The Wolfman $9,846,000 (-68.7%) $3,055 $50,315,000
6 Dear John $7,300,000 (-54.6%) $2,384 $65,971,000
7 Tooth Fairy $4,500,000 (-25.7%) $1,784 $49,867,000
8 Crazy Heart $3,025,000 (-29.1%) $2,778 $21,585,000
9 From Paris with Love $2,500,000 (-54.5%) $1,082 $21,200,000
10 Edge of Darkness $2,210,000 (-54.4%) $1,043 $40,314,000

[chart via CHUD, Valentine's Day poster via FYeahSlightlyAmusing]