02.01.10 AWESOME RIP TORN UPDATE: HE THOUGHT THE BANK WAS HIS HOUSE

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A .22 revolver? Where that might be fine for fending off skinny little pansies like Romulans, you can’t help but look like a gun queer carrying one.

He should just fake his own death by pretending to be crushed by two tons of irony.

You know your money’s safe when a blacked-out 78-year-old can shoulder roll through the bank’s window, kick off his shoes, and hang out for a while.

Rip Torn a.k.a. John Swillinger

Good thing the bank had a time-lock on the safe, or Rip might have taken a dump in a safe deposit box.

@Chareth: you have to understand, rural Connecticut is kinda like Green Acres, if Eddie Albert hired a bunch of Mexicans to run the farm while he was off in New York destroying the economy from the inside out.

Pete, I’ve only vaguely heard of Green Acres, but your metaphor is hilarious regardless. So the bank’s Mexican security guard was asleep against a cactus, then?

Oops, I meant “Peet”

This reminds me of when I fell asleep at a bus stop and woke up in the hospital.

Sadly, it’s a true story.

All the drunk guys I’ve had trying to break into me at gunpoint had been looking to make a deposit.

At least he didn’t think it was a sperm bank.

You know he has an alcohol problem because he wanted to drink a loan.

Good thing the bank had a time-lock on the safe, or Rip might have taken a dump in a safe deposit box.

Rip calls toilet paper “deposit slips.”

He thought the bank was his house. Who does he think he is, Scrooge McDuck?

He thought the bank was his house. Who does he think he is, Scrooge McDuck a Jew?

fixed!

New rule: if your BAC is approximately equal to the calibre of the weapon your packing, you get a pass

Furture headline;
High powered Jew lawyer gets Rip off!

.203? And he’s so hammered he mistakes a bank for his house? Fuck alchohol rehab, fucker needs How Not to Drink Like a Pussy-hab.

.22-caliber revolvers are very useful for fending off aggressive squirrels – Rip knows this.

Seriously, I call .203, “lunch.”

I call .203, “buzzin’.”

I call .203 “babysitting chill.”

I call .203 “kickback motion.”

I call .203 “keeping it light for Granny’s birthday.”

I call .203 “Naw I’m good, gotta be at work in four hours.”

I call .203 “Halfway through the handle.”

.203? Ted Williams hit twice that!

That bank has qualified for a $223.00 bailout–new window + air freshener.

Drinking to the point of amnesia = The Torn Identity.

He tried to enter the bank’s computer circuitry because he thought his name was Rip Tron.

He was so drunk he unwittingly trained a dolphin to kill the President of the United States.

Dammit, Don Geiss, NBC is in enough trouble already.

Rip Torn is how they’ll describe his asshole after a week in prison.

Ya know ttyBoo if we got married we would never fight over the remote.

R.I.P.PshngDaizeez!!1FUUSAABCNielson!!

You know what I have to say about all of this? Culturally, it’s unacceptable, but it’s theatrical dynamite! (oblig Comm quote)

A common experience after 3 bottles of Manischewitz.

Rip just thought he was starring in Men in Bank.

Crappy, I see your value now.

Now he’ll get Men in Back

I certainly don’t need any alcohol to break into Elizabeth Banks

He was almost in Men in Black(out)!

His last DUI was in an armored car.

If you’re going to become true bankrobbers, then you’ve got to learn the five d’s of robbery: drink, drink, dip, dive and drink!

Rip feels that this new fangled “Revolver” is a big step up from his flintlock pistol.

If you ignore the parts about him reeking of booze and his BAC, it would look like he may have just been having a “senior moment.”

Rip Torn has been crazy forever. Check out this clip from Norman Mailer’s “Maidstone”, in which Rip improvises the final scene by SMACKING MAILER OVER THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER. Unbelievable, baby. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AzmhorISf4