Man, the execs who thought this one up deserved to be held down while we all line up to hit them with socks filled with dog poop. Universal has officially announced that Taylor Lautner will star in Stretch Armstrong 3D. He’ll play “uptight spy who stumbles across a stretching formula, which he takes and must now adjust to in everyday life and when fighting crime.” In a script from Steve Oedekerk. Great, I’m gonna have to throw away this computer after typing that.
“In the past two years, Taylor has emerged as a real star at the global box office. He brings the perfect balance of energy and athleticism to the role of an unlikely super hero with a fantastic super power,” said Universal co-chairman Donna Langley. [THR]
Keep in mind, Taylor Lautner’s global box office stardom is based on his role in Twilight, which had a built-in audience and required him to do nothing but stand around with his shirt off. Meanwhile, Steve Oedekerk’s last script was for Evan Almighty, which earned $75 million less than its budget, domestically. Hey, investors, I hope that stretching formula works on your butthole.
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Pauly, I told you it was called the Bone Crusher.
The guy who made Kung Pow is writing this?
“That’s a lot of nuts!”
Tsk tsk! TL would much rather show you the “Bone Squeeze”.
IN HIS ASS!
This kid is so creepy.
He’s all muscle-y, but then he’s got the face of a 13-year-old. He’s like an anime character.
Unconfirmed sources are also reporting that Robert Pattinson’s next role will be that of a male prostitute who fulfills the fantasies of lonely, overweight female Twilight fans, but will only do anal in order to “remain pure”.
Shooting starts later this year for Shitty Pity Fang Bang.
Taylor Lautner is the Lane Kiffin of acting.
Is that the long-awaited Twilight joke, Ers?
Yeah. I feel let down by it as well.
It’s not your fault, man. Nobody can live up to that kind of hype.
I stand by my pre-nom. Maybe a foot more to the side, but I stand by it.
I always get sad when I hear Steve Oedekerk’s name and then I realize that’s not the same person as Bob Odenkirk, and then I have a banana.
Shitty Titty Gang Bang is when a bunch of dudes take turns shitting on a chick’s chest and then proceed to fuck her between the tits.
Y’know what though? It’s still a fucking funny joke so to hell with it.
Is it wrong that Da Ers’ joke only makes him ROFLKOTAL because it reminds Him of a Larry the Cable Guy joke?
“uptight spy who stumbles across a stretching formula”…
Tagline: “That stick up his ass can reach all the way to your heart.”
Git ‘er done.
Wait, nobody’s made a penis-stretching joke yet?
Come on, y’all.
The most disturbing part of all this? The influx of Stretch Armstrong-stuck-in-a-body-cavity ER visits. At least I won’t be the only one for a change.
‘swi, I haven’t been this let down by hype since my wedding night. I mean come on, if that was really her first time, where’d she learn that finger-in-the-pooper move, watching Guiding Light?
Not anymore! *cries over cancellation of Guiding Light*
Patty-The Mighty One made a penis squeezing joke.
Close enough!
It’s just an ironic part for him, seeing as how he falls into the “shower” category, not “grower.” You’re welcome.
Trying to pass Taylor Lautner off as a good actor is gonna be the biggest stretch.
Explaining why Paul Walker was not in talks to star first is what seems to be stretching my suspension of disbelief.
Taylor Lautner’s first movie role was jumping the Sharkboy, it’s all uphill from there.
Paul Walker was in talks, but with the new store opening at the galleria, he didn’t want to lock himself into anything. Jim didn’t make any promises, but that new store’s gonna need a manager and who else would they ask? That douche Blaine? God, he’s a joke. I mean, look at him.
Is it just me, or does anyone else look at TL in the banner pic and imagine him in the Sir Mix A Lot video saying “Oh ma god, Becky. Look at her butt…”
WHY is this uncharismatic D-bag the hottest ticket on every moronic producer’s list? He’s TERRIBLE. He has ZERO crossover appeal. I mean the guy just looks scared, and confused, all the time.
Uh, Paul Walker? You gotta specify which doucher you’re referring to.
Douche Blaine, that’s who. I don’t know what the hell is last name is. You’d think it was “When I ran the Copy-max back in St. Lawrence..” God, we get it. If you were so awesome why are you still driving your mom’s old 97 Blazer with the seahorse detailing? That’s what I thought. Fuckin’ Blaine. Douche.
Coked up.
That Hansel is so hot right now.
Hansel.
I don’t think it was Paul Walker that was originally tapped for this role. It was The Rock but seeing as how the Tooth Fairy is doing so well in theatres, they had to go to The Rock light…TL
Stretch Armstrong stretches like a dick, Lautner is one.
ZING
If the villains in this movie are anything like me, within hours of capturing Stretch Armstrong, their older brother will rip him in half and get sand all over my living room floor.