A BIOPIC ABOUT HITLER’S SPECIAL LADY
02.23.10
(I used to make my Hitler and Harry Potter dolls kiss. Naughty!)
One of the producers of dyslexic Nazi drama The Reader is set to produce a biopic about Eva Braun, the girl who rode Hitler’s mustache all the way to a Russian mortar shell.
Michael Simon de Normier has optioned the film rights to the new biography “Eva Braun Life with Hitler.” which provides a radically different portrayal of the Fuehrer’s mistress.
“She was not the little dumb blond that she is usually shown to be,” author Heike Goertemaker told The Hollywood Reporter. “She was a key member of Hitler’s inner circle and an important part of the Nazi propaganda machine.”
De Normier said he is currently scouting for a director and screenwriter, and hopes the film will be an international production budgeted in the $20 million-$30 million range. He is also planning an English-language adaptation of the book. [Reuters]
I hope there’ll be love scenes. Ja, ja, take mein schvanz greedily, like eina dirty juden. Jawol, mein fuhrer, invade mein fotze like Poland. What? I can’t make Nazi sex jokes now? Anyway, I’m thinking the front runner for this part has to be Katherine Heigl. Something about that bitch just screams “I’d bang Hitler.”
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/amanda-seyfried-lovelace-Gibson-Polanski-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/Moses-tablets-Spielberg-150x150.jpg)
Casting will be done via Craigslist, as they figure they won’t make many waves with a post asking for a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl willing to fuck a Nazi with a funny mustache.
[Walks into kitchen]
AAAHHHH!!! My electric shaver just fed my coffee maker a cyanide pill and shot itself in the head! And it’s not even April 30th yet. Fucking dramatic reenactors!
Eva: Mein Hunny-Bunny. I fear I haff gotten pregnant.
Adolph: Don’t worry, liebschen, I haff ze final solution.
*brings out coat hanger.*
Holy shit, there’s more than one picture of that girl with the Hitler doll?
[SCENE: Hitler and Braun are lying in bed after a long day of planning Eugenics programs]
Hey Eva?
Ya, Adolph?
Want to know what it’s like in Auschwitz?
*Holds Eva’s head under the covers and farts*
. . . the front runner for this part has to be Katherine Heigl. Something about that bitch just screams
“I’d bang Hitler.”“Hey you in the Punisher T-shirt and red Chucks! Get back over here and uncuff me from this radiator! Where the fuck are we anyway? Your mom’s basement?”What Hitler did to the first name Adolph ≠ What Mrs Hitler did to Eva
Oh yeah, almost forgot . . . Feksed!
GRRRRRR… CARPOOL TO THEATHERS FOR THIS!
Eva Braun anagrams; A van rube
False, she was more of a bunker rube.
Ach! I think zat French hooker gave me ze crabs. Mein ball hairs are all vichy!
*large hook comes from off stage and drags Donk off*
I REGRET NOTHING!
Regardless of the dolls, it is pretty clear that those kids in the second picture have no souls. They’re looking through the picture and right into my brain.
Are that little boy’s eyebrows drawn on with pencil? He looks like a Chola
In this “radically different portrayal,” Eva is shown as actually being a heroic Allied sympathizer who’s just shtupping Hitler to kill him. Also, she speaks with an American accent.
I think Eva yelled out “Heigl” in bed.
Just think: this is literally a window into what America would be like if the Nazis had won.
The Quentin Tarantino version:
Eva: (brandishing a knife) Ha! it’s not even your baby! I’m knocked up with a Jew baby! Ahahhaha
[she proceeds to stab him 37 times with a large smile on her face in slow-motion as some artsy German music plays in the background]
She invented the Braunshirts.
@Donk:
Eva: Baby? It’s Jew. [forgotten 70's b-side plays in background].
In true Hollywood fashion, Fox will co-produce this with the Weinsteins. Upon it’s box-office failure, the “franchise” will be rebooted with a young urban cast and be touted as the first film to be filmed exclusively in “Third Reich-D”
@Donk–Hitler’s illegitimate child? He could call it Inglourious Bast. . .
‘that bitch just screams “I’d bang Hitler.”’
I’ll thank you not to discuss the intimate habits of Mel Gibson’s slam piece.
The buzz on this movie must be through the roof. It hasn’t even been made yet and there are already hundreds of websites for people who wish they could live in the world of the movie. Suck it, Avatar.
I Hitler went down on Eva and she shaved her pubes into a Hitler stash that would have created one of those, “Do you see two old ladies of two old guys playing guitar” illusions.
Those pictures disgust me. Why the fuck wouldn’t the Hitler doll be in uniform?
They’re going to offer free tickets to this movie and free railway transportation to the screenings. “Ja, your nomen is on ze list.”
/Fine, I will be in ze corner.
I had a Mussolini doll that I hung from the porch and threw rocks at.
@Donk:
Eva: Baby? It’s Jew. [forgotten 70's b-side plays in background].
You’re right. Also, Tarantino would probably write it as “It’s a heebie baby”, just because he loves racial slurs and wordplay.
If they want Eva to be even remotely sympathetic, they won’t cast Heigl.
But if they need Eva to wear vibrating panties, Heigl is perfect.
Hitler chews his way into Eva’s womb to rescue both mother and child from the epic powers of uber-infant or… fuck I’m tired.
Nomming Pauly just for the obscure history reference
The words “chew” and “womb” should never be in the same sentence.
Dude Up!
The best selling doll in the Despot range is the Idi Amin. It comes with a fridge you can keep other dolls heads in.
you guys know Hirler was motorboatin’ them titties!!
I have a Generallissimo Francisco Franco doll. It’s still dead.
ah yes, the touching story of how a hot blonde fell for a uni-balled, charlie chaplin-looking psychopath. its like phantom of the opera with a side of genocide
World War 2, the untold story: Adolf and Eva talk about their former relationships early in their romance…
Mein Fuhrer, noin Juden blitzkreig’d my pussenholen und shiza in mein mauth. My pussenholen orgasmus Juden juice und I shauted ein volk, ein reich, ein fuhrer.
how can they top neely comic’s webisode “a valentine from eva”? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_9gZCeCADg
“i want me above you, with my breasts like two falcon heads, each diving for you mouth’s volcanic rim.” the brilliance! the romance! to say nothing of the animation quality.
i sure hope a jew steals her telegraph
I hear Kristen Johnston is in talks to star in a tv adaptation of the Eva Braun story called 3rd Reich from the Sun