Nothing against Sam Worthington — I don’t have strong feelings about him one way or another as long as he doesn’t touch my stash — but Jesus Christ. Hollywood seems really determined to stuff him down our throats. The latest is a Latino Review report (confirmed by Hollywood Reporter) that he’s in talks to play Vlad the Impaler in Dracula: Year Zero for Alex Proyas (Dark City, Knowing).
This is a period retelling of Dracula. Like back in Transylvania and sh*t. Vampires and Vlad the impaler. [LR]
Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless wrote the spec, which explores the origin of Dracula, weaving vampire mythology with the true history of Prince Vlad the Impaler. It seeks to depict Dracula as a flawed hero in a tragic love story set in a dark age of magic and war. [HR]
A vampire who loves a human? Oh, Sam Worthington, can’t you ever date one of your own species? Anyway, I like to think of my middle school years as a dark age of magic and war. A dark age of magic and war and inappropriate boners. Meanwhile, Dracula: Year Zero is a stupid title, unless the year zero refers to the year Jesus was born. And I hope it does, because Jesus vs. Dracula is the only worthy sequel to the Passion of the Christ.
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This is a period retelling of Dracula.
Well, Dracula loves periods.
Whacketty schmacketty ewwwwwwwwwww!
Dracula vs. Jesus, where they fight over which one is more afraid of crosses.
Like back in Transylvania and sh*t?
What? The fucking Gary Oldman one wasn’t in Transylvania? I could swear I remember New taking a fucking train or something to some POS castle in the middle of bumfuck Eastern Europe!!
I’m disappointed. When I wrote this story up last night I used way more cuss words. And I implied that Sam Neill could kick his ass.
So the plot there sounds like Twilight, serious vampire movies, and gritty reboots have finally crossed paths.
This means only one thing: Selene, Van Helsing, and Blade will be teaming up to hunt down Edward Cullen in some future screenplay. Mark it.
Jesus vs. Dracula
They already did that in Dracula 2000. (Do I have to say “spoiler alert” for movies no one will watch?)
P.S., they made Jesus Vs. Dracula, it was called Dracula 2000. Spoiler: Dracula lost.
Robo, I owe you a Coke.
Robo, I owe you a line of Coke.
thanks for that scrip of Viagra!
Though, the Coppola version of Dracula was very much God Vs. Dracula, and sometimes Crazypants Hopkins Vs. Dracula — Dracula loses a lot.
Purely scientific question:
Does Jesus’ piss count as holy water? Like could he kill Dracula by pissing on him? I mean, that’s pretty fucking baller.
Damn you Burnsy for beating me to it, even down to the Patton Oswalt send-off.
What’s that burning smell? *looks down, sees tail touching Robo’s tail, passes out*
It’s set where?
And here I thought all Trannies accepted crosses.
Donk, as a theorem your hypothesis that Jesus’ Holy Lemon Water could kill Dracula seems plausible in a prima facie manner. However, upon closer inspection you fail to recognize one key component of the experiment.
Dracula was played by Gary Oldman. Jim Caviezel was Jesus.
No freakin contest!
*wakes up* Hey, guys, what’s going on? Are we in a McG movie? *passes back out*
I bet Mickey Rourke’s piss could kill Dracula.
I guaranfuckentee Chaz Palminteri’s piss could kill Dracula. Or at least repel him.
I want to see Dracula Vs. Dracula Vs. Dracula Vs. Dracula 2000, where Gary Oldman and the reanimated corpse of Bela Lugosi take on Frank Langella and Gerard Butler. But, in a twist ending, Frank Langella leaves Butler to join the Lugosi/Oldman tag team, and become “The Fabulous Freebloods.”
the only good dracula movie is Dracula Dead and Loving It
*Or, the Fabulous Freebats, I haven’t decided.
I don’t know erswi, Jim Caviezel got struck by lightning twice during the filming of the Passion (dude, take a hint) and just kept going. He may be immortal.
(Why do I smell burnt toast?)
Hollywood simply bows in awe before the power of his Average White Guy Blandness.
Tagline: STAKES. ARE. HIGH.
And so will I.
Be.