(“Yes, Jake Sully, jump on my leonopteryx!”)
I’ve been trying to turn “rape the pterodactyl” into the next “keep f*ckin that chicken” for a few weeks now, but I confess it hasn’t really caught on. But the full Avatar script just showed up online, complete with the deleted TENTACLE SEX SCENE, and two of my predictions have been confirmed: the Na’avi’s sensitive tails (or “queues” as James Cameron calls them) are definitely sexual, and this is the beginning of a new era in fetish porn. Excerpt via Movieline:
EXT. WILLOW GLADE
He puts his face close to hers. She rubs her cheek against his. He kisses her on the mouth. They explore each other.
Then she pulls back, eyes sparkling.
NEYTIRI
Kissing is very good. But we have something better.She pulls him down until they are kneeling, facing each other on the faintly glowing moss. Neytiri takes the end of her queue and raises it. Jake does the same, with trembling anticipation. The tendrils at the ends move with a life of their own, straining to be joined.
MACRO SHOT — The tendrils INTERTWINE with gentle undulations.
JAKE rocks with the direct contact between his nervous system and hers. The ultimate intimacy.
They come together into a kiss and sink down on the bed of moss, and ripples of light spread out around them.
THE WILLOWS sway, without wind, and the night is alive with pulsing energy as we DISSOLVE TO —
LATER. She is collapsed across his chest. Spent. He strokes her face tenderly.
JAKE
Neytiri, you know my real body is far away, sleeping.She raises up, placing her fingertips to his chest —
NEYTIRI
This body is real.
(she touches his forehead)
This spirit is real.
NEYTIRI
When I was first your teacher, I hated all Sky People. But you have also taught me.
(whispering)
Spirit is all that matters.She lays her head down, against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.JAKE
We are?NEYTIRI
Yes. It is our way.
(innocently)
Oh. I forgot to tell?He rouses up, making her look at him.
JAKE
Really, we are?NEYTIRI
We are.JAKE
It’s cool. I’m there.He lays his head down, and her arms enfold him, sheltering him as he sleeps.
Oh man, this crap is ten times funnier when you see it written down. DON’T EVER LEAVE ME, POCAHONTAS CAT MONKEY, THE WHITE MAN IS YOUR ONLY HOPE!
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That’s almost as awkward as real sex.
James Cameron has been reading my diary entries of when Burnsy and I played “swordfight”.
TENTACLE RAPE OR GTF-
Wait, really?
Carry on, then.
NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.
JAKE
We are?
Clingy. Bitches. Err’where.
I’m turned on and I haven’t even seen the movie yet.
So, after he got some tail, did Jake’s balls go back to their regular color?
I always stick it in my lady’s tail, what’s the big deal?
MACRO SHOT < MONEY SHOT
I want to punch that goggle wearing asshole right in his shriveled, unused genitals.
If they hadn’t cut that and had been playing Nine Inch Nails’ ‘Closer’, I would have called this the best movie ever.
I just blue my load.
I want to see the scene where she goes tail to mouth.
Maybe I’m just envious of that guy, because he’s found something that gives him such pure, unfettered joy while my cynicism drowns me in the squalid waters of reality?
No, I’m pretty sure he’s just a dickhole.
No baby, Avatars can’t knock you up, but they are extra equipped to please you, if you know what I mean…
…
Fuck you bitch, I wasn’t even there, I was 100 miles away in the lab and I can prove it. You just can’t keep your tail tucked between your legs you whore. I’m not paying a god damn cent!
NEYTIRI
This body is real.
(she touches his forehead)
This spirit is real.
(She grabs her tits.)
But these titties ain’t real and they ain’t payin’ for theyselves, know’msayin’?
So even as an Avatar Jake’s dick doesn’t work? Bummer.
Avaturn on
Well, that reads like shipper fangirl fanfiction.
I can’t decide which would be worse: just reading that, or actually watching it.
Somewhat paraphrased captures from a conversation overheard at a 3 year old’s birthday party last week. Two women speaking to each other:
W1: “I saw Avatar last night – it was amazing.”
W2: “I’ve been seeing the commercials for it, it looks interesting. What are the blue people?”
W1: “They’re Avatars from planet Avatar.”
W2: “Oh.”
W1: “Yeah, it was pretty interesting and weird, like all of his movies.”
W2: “Who?”
W1: “Tim Robbins, you know, all his stuff is so out there.”
W2: “Tim Robbins?”
W1: “Yeah, I thought it was the Tim Robbins who’s married to Susan Sarandon, but there’s another Tim Robbins, the director – he made Nightmare at Christmas – this is just like that.”
And that’s why the movie is #1.
NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.
JAKE
We are?
NEYTIRI
Yes. It is our way.
(innocently)
Oh. I forgot to tell?
Also, you must now carry my purse, walk my tiny dog, and be seen in public buying tampons.
JAKE
Fuck. That.
/puts on robe and wizard hat
If you don’t cover your tail, you might end up HI’VI+
You want some blue catperson porn?
Join the queues.
To be honest, I felt bad for Neytiri when she finally sees human Jake Sully. I’d be like, “Oh, you’re… a lot shorter than I expected.”
And that’s why you don’t date people you meet on the internet.
/tucks tail between legs
//puts on “goodbye pterodactyls”
JAKE rocks with the direct contact between his nervous system and hers.
Jake’s legs have been longing for direct contact with his nervous system for years.
Can’t get beyond Cameron calling them queues. Steven Seagal just shit his pants and the British are probably more confused than I am.
What’s really awful is the deleted scene where she squeezes a blue kitten out of her tail…the 3-D alone makes you feel like dying.
Geez, Patty. Way to be shallow. If the dick pic that he sent you looks good, it shouldn’t matter how tall he is.
Of all the song mashups I’ve ever heard, I’ve never heard of ‘Catch Scratch Jungle Fever’.
*hangs head in shame, retires all her high heels*
How many people on the avatar forum are going to read this scene and then braid their long hair (you know they all have it, even the guys) and try to “feel” the intimacy by rubbing grease ropes with one another?
HAHA! What losers!
*quickly unbraids hair*
Morton – They’re already painting themselves blue. That’s just the next logical step.
And by “logical,” I mean “horrifying.”
This movie sounds worse and worse every time I hear more about it…
though f*ing a skinny blue chick does give me genital undulations
Hey theend, Brittany Murphy’s waiting.
Is anyone else seeing a banner ad for Gaia Online at the top of the page?
How hilariously appropriate.
Jake didn’t need to wear a rubber ’cause Neytiri is wearing the Na’aviRing®.
I haven’t been this turned on by a blue chick since my boyhood crush on the witch from The Wizard of Oz. I used to watch that over and over on my little black and white TV that would fit under the covers with me.
NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.
JAKE
We are?
NEYTIRI
Yes. For nine lives, actually
JAKE
*shoots self*
Speaking of Na’avi and making babies, the other day, I saw two Avatards arguing about whether or not Avatars would be able to make babies. You know, because they’re a hybrid of Na’avi and human DNA, so they might be sterile, like mules.
Oh, Avatards.
Eating out Na’vi or Human, either way you come away with fish-breath.
JAKE
Hey, can I put my queue in your mouth and…you know…
NEYTIRI
But what’s the point of that?
JAKE
Fuck it, never mind
Honestly, we would all be sold on AVATAR if they included a shot of one of the marines pretending to jack off while in one of those giant robot suits (the ones Cameron stole from his own film, Aliens).
There are Avatards ? My vestigial tail might finally come in handy.
Assuming Na’vi men have dicks, what happens when you touch your dick to your queue? I bet you cum. Hard.
Wait, mules are sterile? Then why the fuck have I been wearing this condom the whole time?!
The marines would’ve defeated the Na’vi if only they had used spray bottles full of tap water…
I’m gonna arrange for the ASPCA to make an unscheduled visit to the Cameron household.
NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.
JAKE
We are?
Man, I hope a black cat crosses our path.
NEYTIRI
Wouldn’t that be bad luck?
JAKE
In this case, maybe not.
I consulted the avatar forum with my dick-to-queue query and the consensus is that if you were to do that, you would go blind AND your palms would get hairier. The more you know…
LOL… so true Morton. Doing the jerk-off motion with the robot and then tea-bagging the dead Naives
You know, there’s a joke in there somewhere about a guy who’s been married five times writing a scene where a hot foreign girl tricks a guy in to commitment with sex, but fucked if I can find it.
I’m gonna use this new info to create a Craigslist ad under the name “Pandora Explorer.”
If you don’t hear from me after a week, guess I’ll be riding the leonopteryx.
(ie. in a coma)
Turns out “in sickness and in health” actually does cover feline leukemia.
Actually, I did date someone I met on the internet once. And he was incredibly clingy. So, I sympathize.
But he wasn’t a blue cat person, so I guess this isn’t really related.
Cool story, Patty Boots!
Feline leukemia? Is that anything like ovarian cancer?
Feline leukemia is the number one killer of domestic Na’avi.
*whaaa whaaa*
Only in that they both kill your desire to go near the kitty, Morty.
Last time I took it in the tail, I couldn’t sit for a week!
And all Jake wanted was a little pussy.
Neytiri hates oral as she is always choking on Jake’s furballs.
The Standing 69 is impossible for these two as they both keep landing on their feet.
On Pandora, Siamese twins aren’t connected, They’re just white with black tails.
This sex scene is guaranteed to upset Bob Barker
The preferred Na’avi mating grounds are right outside your bedroom window at 4:00 AM.
If they don’t neuter Jake soon, he’s going to end up spraying all over the furniture
Forget ‘Closer’ as the song for this scene.
I’ve decided I’d rather have the Pandoran Village People singing ‘In the Na’avi’.
How many Avatards do you reckon will reenact this by painting their cats blue and playing a game of red rocket?
Brian Setzer Na’avi is in a Pandoran shelter awaiting adoption.
A room full of rocking chairs is the Na’avi equivalent to a cold shower.
MACRO SHOT — The tendrils INTERTWINE with gentle undulations.
WIDE SHOT – The treetops TREMBLE with violent ululations.
JAKE, spent:
That’s it baby, I’m shuttin’ up shop.
SOMEBODY PUT SOME FUCKING MITTENS ON THOSE NA’AVI!
Robert Smith Na’vi is so wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully pretty.
Na’vi Yusuf Islam isn’t so popular anymore.
I understand Sean Young is trying to get a part in the sequel by painting herself blue and going on The Wendy Williams Show.
Jack!, that would be the best thing to ever happen to The Soup.
The ultimate intimacy
You know, my real body is sleeping right next to you.
Jake’s really going to get his balls rocked when she busts out the catnip.
Disney is trying to capitalize on Avatar‘s popularity by releasing
The Aristocats 2: Tall and Blue
NEYTIRI
That was amazing
JAKE
The Sex? Hell yeah, baby.
NEYTIRI
No, nobody threw a shoe at us.
The problem with jizzing on Pandora is that, when night comes, everybody knows you did too.
The more I read this the more I think the Captain and Tennille’s lyrics on Muskrat Love really don’t need improvement. Jumbling them up with Cameron’s self written vows just kills the wood.
Who was it that said you could completely reconstruct this film using snippets of other films? He friggin’ stole that “kneeling in front of your partner and having super-sex by touching” bit from another movie, too, but I cannot for the life of me remember which one – I want to say Barbarella?
Dammit, all this Na’vi sex talk has me looking to punch a kitty.
Just wait until they discover that connecting their hair to one another’s and then wrapping it around their necks until they nearly pass out heightens the experience.
I’ve got your kitty right here.
*points to crotch*
Split ends are the Na’avi’s French tickler.
I can understand why they deleted it. If they used their tail-thingys to fuck, then that means they were fucking EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. They fucked the tree, they fucked the flying dinosaur things, they fucked the horse things, they are horny little blue bastards, just like the Smurfs.
So lemme get this straight . . .
Human world: Men have cocks, women have cunts.
Stupid blue world: Men have tails, women have tails.
Something smells vaguely homosexual in the state of Denmark here.
I’d venture a guess that they have genitalia and the queue thingies.
But I don’t want to think about it too much, because eeew.
Erswi, that’s why the Na’avi never figured out electricity. They don’t understand the concept of male and female connectors.
NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.
JAKE
We are?
NEYTIRI
Yes. It is our way.
(innocently)
Oh. I forgot to tell?
Oh God. I smell an Amy Adams spin-off…tricking your boyfriend into having sex with you on Leap Day? Ultimate commitment.
I’d be down with Na’avi queue sex as long as I was allowed to just lay there motionless like I do during regular sex.
That’s totally unrealistic, Jake didn’t even roll over and tell her to make him a sandwich.
You don’t need to spray them with water to get them to stop having sex. You simply distract them with a laser pointer.
I want to anally rape this movie……with my cool blue tail.
Where’s the part where she tells him that his queue is shorter than the ones she’s used to but that’s ok?
You can’t even swing a dead cat around here without getting someone off.
First day of classes when I’m gone most of the day and this happens… Anyway, late to the party but…
Macro Shot is my porn name.
You know what’s funny, i’m thinking to myself that deleted scenes are suppose to trim down run time of movies/stuff that doesn’t add to the movie. But this “extended sex scene” was only an extra 1 minute…sadly like most of my na’avi queue moments
Also cut from the film was this powerful and moving statement that Jake Sully delivered to the Na ‘vi after riding in on the giant dragon bird: “Black is beautiful, and blue is cool too, but WHITE’s still the color of Toruk Makto”.
Who was it that said you could completely reconstruct this film using snippets of other films? He friggin’ stole that “kneeling in front of your partner and having super-sex by touching” bit from another movie, too, but I cannot for the life of me remember which one – I want to say Barbarella?
Demolition Man is one.
I don’t know where you’d find something to fill in for the pterodactyl rape, though. That was uniquely, awfully Avatar.
You sure he’s not thinking of that fake trailer with robert downy jr that ran in front of Tropic Thunder Vince?
As a bird rapist, I liked the pterodactyl love scene.
Does anyone feel like going on Naviblue.com and raping all their fucking pterodactyls with me? Maybe even an “Avatar Forum Comment of the Week.” At the very least let’s all pledge to wedgie one Avatard in the next week (make sure they’re not actually retarded because that might be a hate crime).
[naviblue.com]
“How funny would it be..”
Not one bit Avatard, not one fucking bit.
well ! i am very fool.as was thinking that this movie was for kids.now i need to buy a dvd .Thanks dude.for letting us know and giving us a chance to imagine all.
vibrators