01.11.10 READ THIS NOW: AVATAR’S DELETED TENTACLE SEX SCENE

That’s almost as awkward as real sex.

James Cameron has been reading my diary entries of when Burnsy and I played “swordfight”.

TENTACLE RAPE OR GTF-

Wait, really?

Carry on, then.

NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.

JAKE
We are?

Clingy. Bitches. Err’where.

I’m turned on and I haven’t even seen the movie yet.

So, after he got some tail, did Jake’s balls go back to their regular color?

I always stick it in my lady’s tail, what’s the big deal?

MACRO SHOT < MONEY SHOT

I want to punch that goggle wearing asshole right in his shriveled, unused genitals.

If they hadn’t cut that and had been playing Nine Inch Nails’ ‘Closer’, I would have called this the best movie ever.

I just blue my load.

I want to see the scene where she goes tail to mouth.

Maybe I’m just envious of that guy, because he’s found something that gives him such pure, unfettered joy while my cynicism drowns me in the squalid waters of reality?

No, I’m pretty sure he’s just a dickhole.

No baby, Avatars can’t knock you up, but they are extra equipped to please you, if you know what I mean…

…

Fuck you bitch, I wasn’t even there, I was 100 miles away in the lab and I can prove it. You just can’t keep your tail tucked between your legs you whore. I’m not paying a god damn cent!

NEYTIRI
This body is real.
(she touches his forehead)
This spirit is real.

(She grabs her tits.)
But these titties ain’t real and they ain’t payin’ for theyselves, know’msayin’?

So even as an Avatar Jake’s dick doesn’t work? Bummer.

Avaturn on

Well, that reads like shipper fangirl fanfiction.

I can’t decide which would be worse: just reading that, or actually watching it.

Somewhat paraphrased captures from a conversation overheard at a 3 year old’s birthday party last week. Two women speaking to each other:

W1: “I saw Avatar last night – it was amazing.”

W2: “I’ve been seeing the commercials for it, it looks interesting. What are the blue people?”

W1: “They’re Avatars from planet Avatar.”

W2: “Oh.”

W1: “Yeah, it was pretty interesting and weird, like all of his movies.”

W2: “Who?”

W1: “Tim Robbins, you know, all his stuff is so out there.”

W2: “Tim Robbins?”

W1: “Yeah, I thought it was the Tim Robbins who’s married to Susan Sarandon, but there’s another Tim Robbins, the director – he made Nightmare at Christmas – this is just like that.”

And that’s why the movie is #1.

NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.

NEYTIRI
Yes. It is our way.
(innocently)
Oh. I forgot to tell?

Also, you must now carry my purse, walk my tiny dog, and be seen in public buying tampons.

JAKE

Fuck. That.

/puts on robe and wizard hat

If you don’t cover your tail, you might end up HI’VI+

You want some blue catperson porn?

Join the queues.

To be honest, I felt bad for Neytiri when she finally sees human Jake Sully. I’d be like, “Oh, you’re… a lot shorter than I expected.”

And that’s why you don’t date people you meet on the internet.

/tucks tail between legs
//puts on “goodbye pterodactyls”

JAKE rocks with the direct contact between his nervous system and hers.

Jake’s legs have been longing for direct contact with his nervous system for years.

Can’t get beyond Cameron calling them queues. Steven Seagal just shit his pants and the British are probably more confused than I am.

What’s really awful is the deleted scene where she squeezes a blue kitten out of her tail…the 3-D alone makes you feel like dying.

Geez, Patty. Way to be shallow. If the dick pic that he sent you looks good, it shouldn’t matter how tall he is.

Of all the song mashups I’ve ever heard, I’ve never heard of ‘Catch Scratch Jungle Fever’.

*hangs head in shame, retires all her high heels*

How many people on the avatar forum are going to read this scene and then braid their long hair (you know they all have it, even the guys) and try to “feel” the intimacy by rubbing grease ropes with one another?

HAHA! What losers!

*quickly unbraids hair*

Morton – They’re already painting themselves blue. That’s just the next logical step.

And by “logical,” I mean “horrifying.”

This movie sounds worse and worse every time I hear more about it…

though f*ing a skinny blue chick does give me genital undulations

Hey theend, Brittany Murphy’s waiting.

Is anyone else seeing a banner ad for Gaia Online at the top of the page?

How hilariously appropriate.

Jake didn’t need to wear a rubber ’cause Neytiri is wearing the Na’aviRing®.

I haven’t been this turned on by a blue chick since my boyhood crush on the witch from The Wizard of Oz. I used to watch that over and over on my little black and white TV that would fit under the covers with me.

NEYTIRI
I am with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.

JAKE
We are?

NEYTIRI
Yes. For nine lives, actually

JAKE
*shoots self*

Speaking of Na’avi and making babies, the other day, I saw two Avatards arguing about whether or not Avatars would be able to make babies. You know, because they’re a hybrid of Na’avi and human DNA, so they might be sterile, like mules.

Oh, Avatards.

Eating out Na’vi or Human, either way you come away with fish-breath.

JAKE

Hey, can I put my queue in your mouth and…you know…

NEYTIRI

But what’s the point of that?

JAKE

Fuck it, never mind

Honestly, we would all be sold on AVATAR if they included a shot of one of the marines pretending to jack off while in one of those giant robot suits (the ones Cameron stole from his own film, Aliens).

There are Avatards ? My vestigial tail might finally come in handy.

Assuming Na’vi men have dicks, what happens when you touch your dick to your queue? I bet you cum. Hard.

Wait, mules are sterile? Then why the fuck have I been wearing this condom the whole time?!

The marines would’ve defeated the Na’vi if only they had used spray bottles full of tap water…

I’m gonna arrange for the ASPCA to make an unscheduled visit to the Cameron household.