As rumored earlier this week, Sony has hired 500 Days of Summer‘s Marc Webb to direct the reboot of Spider-Man, and they’ve made it official with a press release. Webb is a 34-year-old former music video director, 500 Days was his feature debut. Right now he’s working from a script by James Vanderbilt (Basic, Zodiac), but don’t be surprised if they bring in a few more writers before it’s done.
Webb comes much cheaper for the studio and is locked down for only one pic. Deal being negotiated includes options for more pics — fairly standard on a franchise. [Variety]
The plan for the movie is to be in the $80 million range and feature a cast of relative unknowns (so you can quash those Rob Pattinson or Gordon-Levitt rumors at this point). And the story will be pared down to center on a high school kid who is dealing with the knowledge that his uncle died even though the teen had the power to stop it. [THR]
“We wanted someone who could capture the awe of being in Peter’s shoes so the audience could experience his sense of discovery while giving real heart to the emotion, anxiety, and recklessness of that age…” -Sony’s Amy Pascal, from the press release.
Considering Spider-Man 2 cost upwards of $200 million, $80 million is nothing. So it’s almost certainly not going to be in 3-D, and will be more Smallville than Superman Returns. It’s going to star some wiener face who’s the next Zac Efron or Taylor Lautner, and of course, it’s an origin story. Basically, Sony is making the Jon Voight’s nutsack of Spider-Man movies. To paraphrase Patton Oswalt on origin stories, “Hey, do you love Angelina Jolie? Does she give you a big boner? Well then here’s Jon Voight’s ballsack!”
(Full bit included, as I thought it was relevant)
[Patton Oswalt, upon meeting George Lucas just as he's about to start working on Episodes I-III]
“Oh my god! You’re George Lucas! I just want to say you’re amazing, I love you! Star Wars is awesome. Just.. thank you.”
“Well, you say you like Star Wars? You know I’m about to start working on some prequels.”
“Wait, you mean, you’re gonna do Chapters one through three? Oh my god! YES! I’ve been waiting so long for this!”
“So, do you like Darth Vader?”
“Do I like Darth Vader? Oh my God I LOVE Darth Vader! With the cape and the mask and the lightsaber? He’s awesome!”
“Well, in the first movie you get to see him as a little kid.
“I… what? Wait, you mean he’s like Damien in the Omen, right? He’s goin around killing people with his mind and stuff?”
“Well, no he’s just a little kid, and he gets taken away from his mommy and he’s very sad.”
“Uh, well…I kind of like the helmet and the cape and the sword, you know?”
“Well don’t worry about that because guess who’s in the second movie? Boba Fett!”
“Holy sh*t! Boba Fett?! That’s even better than Darth! With the suit of armor and that helmet and the cool ship? He’s a badass bounty hunter!”
“Yeah, and in the second movie, you get to see him as a little kid!”
“Wait.. what? So you mean he’s got the helmet on and he’s shooting people and stuff, right?”
“No, he’s just a little kid and his daddy dies and he’s very sad.”
“Oh. Well, I kind of just like where he’s a bounty hunter and he’s shooting people and stuff.”
“Well, don’t worry about any of that because guess what’s in the third movie… the Death Star!”
“Oh my f*ckin God, the Death… wait a minute. What’s it doing?”
“Well, it’s just being built and Darth Vader is looking at it.”
“I kind of just like it when it’s done and it’s blowing up planets and stuff. I don’t really care how they put the air conditioning and the toilets in, you know?”
“You seem very sad.”
“Yes, you’re right. I don’t give a f*ck about any of that stuff. That sounds… horrible! I would never go see that.”
“Would you like a dish of ice cream?”
“Why, yes I would l like some ice cream. That would be very nice!”
“Well here’s a big sack of rock salt!”
“What? You said I’d be getting ice cream?”
“Well, when you add the cream and sugar and ice and do a little mixing and then presto, you have ice cream!”
“I DON’T GIVE A SH*T WHERE THE STUFF I LOVE COMES FROM! I JUST LOVE THE STUFF I LOVE! Hey, do you love Angelina Jolie? Does she give you a big boner? Well then here’s Jon Voight’s ballsack! That’s right! The sweaty, pink ballsack she swam out of. Now jerk off to that, you lucky so and so!”
[From "At Midnight I Will Kill George Lucas With a Shovel" on Werewolves and Lollipops.] -Thanks to Charlie Meadows and all the other people who sent me the Spider-Man press release.
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That reminds me a lot of Carlos Mencias’ “At Midnight I Will Kill George Lucas With a Shovel, Ese.”
I just backspaced a post that was about 15 sentences long about this “re-boot” and my thoughts concerning it. I realized I could shorten it quite a bit and still get my point across.
Fuck this.
Brett Ratner sent out a press release about his desire to direct and star in Spider Ham.
John Voight’s Nutsack would make a terrible band name.
Anybody know if Jack! is looking for a new one?
Oh man, Basic was awesome. I like that one part, at the end, where stuff happened, and something pertaining to all that stuff in the middle was sort of explained, and then John Motherfucking-Comeback Travolta! And then it ended.
Oh, clearly we need to be reminded of Spider-Man’s origins.
The first film was, what, 2002? That’s so long ago! Only my great aunt remembers that.
I’m with TyBo. I move that if we’re going to accept dickholes using the term “reboot,” that means the story hasn’t been touched in 20 years. As an amendment, Commando is still never to be rebooted.
But the real question is, can they somehow come up with a theme song that’s shittier than the Nickleback/Other-Crappy-Band-I-Can’t-Remember abortion from the first movie?
Better get the mainstream, pseudo-hipster flavor-of-the-week band on that.
Jon Voight’s nutsack is in negotiations to be the stunt double in the upcoming Bazooka Joe origins movie.
Oh thanks for reminding me of that song, Patty. Though it also reminded me of the time Howard Stern had Simon Cowell as a guest, and brought out the guy who wrote that song to “audition” with it. Simon told him he wouldn’t have made the first cut on American Idol.
And no, it shouldn’t be a reboot if the last film came out less than three years ago.
You know what it is? Fanfiction with a budget.
Only $80 million? Well shit, there’s only two things you can possibly do with only $80 million.
1. Create a darker, grittier, more “character-driven” reboot of a story of a boy who gets bitten by a radioactive spider and then through a few very unlikely coincidences learns that stopping all crime everywhere is his job and his job alone.
OR
2. Retire forever to a life of luxury.
Jon Voight’s nutsack faced critical reviews after digressing to embarrassing infidelity stories during his eulogy for a long time friend, Honoré de Balzac.
This will be perfect for the new flipper disc format. On one side, you have the Blu-Ray version, and on the other side, Red Dawn.
MIZ, speaking of flipper discs, I reckon the only people who think this is a good idea were born with flippers
FLIPPER BABIES!
Taylor Lautner is still hopeful that Apache Chief gets the greenlight before his 15 minutes are up.
RS, true that, only flipper babies and nattily attired dolphins.
Jon Voight’s nutsack: “At least I’m not Ned Beatty’s asshole.”
I’ll pass n the Jon Voight sack and take Marcheline Bertrand’s uterus for $500, Alex.
If you want the same visual experience as a Spiderman 3-D, I’ll be happy to provide it for significantly less than $280 million, or even $80 million. But I do require you be
hotmoderately attractivebreathing, and a sammich afterwards.Jon Voight’s nutsack is still raking in the cash after his debut performance as Aaron Eckhart’s chin in The Dark Knight.
It was Roman Polanski who convinced Jon Voight’s nutsack to star in Bratz the Movie.
The HELL is this website? Can’t a man google search Jon Voight nutsack fan fiction without running across you weirdos???
Nope. Cant do it.
Then, he meets a girl name Marijuana.
The End.