Like your favorite stripper, Avatar looks fantastic, but the story feels cliché (you’re a single mom, you dropped out of high school, your neighbor molested you when you were seven, blah blah blah this is me playing the world’s smallest violin in your underpants). We’ve thrown around lots of comparisons, from Dances With Wolves to Ferngully, but none have seemed as damning as this rewrite of Disney’s Pocahontas from a guy on Reddit calling himself Matt Bateman. I haven’t seen Pocahontas nearly recently enough to confirm whether all his plot points are accurate, but I assume they are because it’s less work that way. Maybe I’ll rent it and watch it with my girlfriend. She likes Disney movies almost as much as she likes drinking from a sippy cup.
[thanks to Trey G for the tip]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Storm-Trooper-middle-fingers-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/james-Cameron-serkis-mo-cap-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Finding-Dory-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/Dog-House-150x150.jpg)
Why does this look like it was written by the Walt Whitman Essay guy?
Yeah, but in Avatar, they didn’t sing any songs that made me think of sharting.
In my land, we also resolve cultural differences like they did in Pocahontas and Avatar. We tell people to get the fuck off our land or we’ll slaughter every last one of the bastards.
It’s a lot easier to feel connected to the planet when you can literally fucking connect with the planet.
The Na’avi aren’t anti-technology, their whole fucking planet is the internet. It’s no wonder their culture features so much animal-rape bestiality.
The Na’avi put the ‘Poke’ in Pocahontas.
Both films feature ass play in their porn parodies, too.
Poke-her-hot-ass
Anal-tar
*rim shot*
Little known fact: Pocahontas masturbates by putting the ends of her two braids together.
/I do that, too
Does this mean that Michelle Rodriguez is the humming bird or the pug? I’m going with pug.
Matt Bateman’s middle name? Stir
Not Really, it’s more of a…
Braveheart + Last of the Mohicans + The Smurfs = Avatar – 3D
From a Native American standpoint, this movie BITES and yes it is a ridiculous combination of Dances With Wolves meets Pocahontas with all the cliches and stereotypes of hollywoods glorification of cowboys and indians. Shame on the creators of Avatar! This flick was insipidly boring and predictable!!!! Whilst in the movie theatre, it took all that was within my native soul not to scream “kill those yoneg mutherfuckers!”. This flick is a true waste of energy.
Whilst? who talks like that?